Survivor: All-Stars
A clip show, already? Criminy, it seems like these sadists just showed up on the island to become TV's biggest bug-bitten and backstabbing messes since... well, the last Survivor, I guess. And you know, I gotta say, revisiting the last few weeks was not a blessed event. Not only did we have to see Lex and Jerri pull their Boris and Natasha of Panama act to bring down Colby and Ethan again, but there was all that mumble-mouth posing from Boston Rob. Seriously, a guy who sounds like he should be wearing a helmet in the backseat of the short bus has no room to be mocking Big Tom's accent. I don't care if the guy got himself a TV Guide cover. You don't hear Star Jones picking on Joy Behar, do ya?

American Idol
Now this is how you do a results show! In, out, 30 minutes, a few recaps from last night's country-themed show, a killer number by last season's Kimberley Locke and a quick goodbye. But what the hell is with the Bottom 3 shockers?! First was Jennifer Hudson last week, even though she kicked it huge. This time it's the fantabulous — yes, it's a word — Diana DeGarmo. Ya'll are lucky she was saved, 'cause moppet girl is goin' Top 2, OK? And as much as we love Matt Rogers for proving that football-big frat types have souls too, his exit was worth it just for the swan song to Simon. Which, by the way, sounded so good that Camile Velasco had better trade in her cute Old Navy camo-mini for a bull's eye. I give ya another week, hon. Sorry.

That '70s Show
I find it a mite odd that anyone on this show would be so up in arms after Donna caught Eric, um... well, like she said, "sexually assaulting himself." Even Red got all Puritan on the poor guy for his onanism. Obviously, the writers are on the wacky weed, because their short-term memory is blown. These kids have been stoners and sex fiends for like, four seasons! Resorting to penis jokes now does not give me hope for four more, you know?

The O.C.
LOVE IT! Remember a few weeks back, before all the pre-emptions for the supersized Idols and whatnot, Marissa was channel-surfing and we heard a TV spot for some show called The Valley? Bless Josh Schwartz and his team for planting the seeds back then for this hilarious tongue-in-cheeky episode, which threw our favorite teens in the mix with the cast of said faux-Fox confection. Colin Hanks had Seth down cold! Even Paris Hilton didn't suck (insert your own porn-video joke at will). But this being Orange County, beeyatch, of course we needed some sort of turmoil and with just seconds before the credits rolled, we got it big time. Luke, your secret is out. Tagging Julie Cooper may score you gold in the MILF Olympics, but trust me, the Ex-Boyfriend Hall of Fame will not be calling. I, however, am expecting oodles of calls, thanks to Fox's little spot announcing that we only have five episodes left now. I know more than a few co-workers who will be needing heavy counseling to deal with that bombshell.

Secrets of Extreme Makeover
Wow, ABC really loves to gross us out. Between this and that Stephen King hospital crud, it's getting tough to keep down my takeout burrito. But instead of the usual homelies getting their noses cracked, this behind-the-sutures special aims to spill the beans on all the blood-spilling transformations. Not that there are that many "secrets" here. I mean, we've all known that liposuction can be tragic since Cher's mom bit it on the table in Clueless. Or at least since Joan Rivers lost use of her own eyelids. Though I have to throw props to the producers for admitting that they use corsets and girdles to trim down patients for the big reveals. That's mighty brave, being so honest. Now if only they'd come clean with where to find some in men's sizes. Got a wedding this weekend and a guy needs all the help he can get, right?

Kathy Griffin: The D-List
Say what you will, but this woman is a stone-cold gas! Going off on celebrities from Little Richard to the newly formerly married Britney — "she's our new Liza!" — Griffin tells it like it is and pulls no punches. That she delivers it all with the bitter glee of a fan who has caught her star obsessions at their worst makes her takes on Anna Nicole Smith, Celebrity Mole and sweaty Whitney Houston all the more riotous. Hopefully, Bravo will repeat this gem whenever they're not running Queer Eye into the ground so everyone can hear Griffin recount her stint as host of an AmFar benefit that ends with Sharon Stone looking like the biggest tool and Rosie O'Donnell better than I ever imagined.

Teen Idols of the '80s
Adrian Zmed must say a lot of prayers. That's the only way I can explain his being lumped in with classics like Kirk Cameron, Molly Ringwald and those Corey rehab flunkies. Seriously, we're talking about a guy who starred in Grease 2 and hosted Dance Fever. My brother Jim had more fans in the '80s and all he did was work at The Gap.

DeGrassi: The Next Generation
Ahhh, they're so young! The N's rerunning the first season and reigniting my addiction to the Canadian middle-school import that plays like an angsty Saved by the Bell with weird vowel sounds. I'm practically swooning at the sight of the DeGrassi students on their first day of seventh grade. Even then, Paige was no good, getting Terri boozed up so she could move in on Spinner like that. Makes me happy to be 20 years older than these kids now. And just a little uncomfortable that I can still relate to them so much.