E!'s Live From the Red Carpet
Apparently, it takes a village to prep Joan Rivers for her award show ramblings. And a harem of blonds to get Hugh Hefner down this year's oddly green carpet. Mr. Playboy had eight dates for the night. Eight! And one of them had the nerve to get snappy when Joan asked how they decided who would wear which dress. "We do have minds of our own," the bimbette said. Uh-huh. Yeah. Right.

Premios Furia
I turned from Joan putting her foot in her mouth by asking Bootsy Collins why he was wearing the same outfit again this year just in time to see Lupillo Rivera walk down the red carpet with a full marching band behind him. Banda music kills me. Each group always seems to have a dozen guys wearing the same thing. And the accordion player always gets the biggest applause. Talk about a cultural divide. Later in this 10th anniversary broadcast, Mr. Rivera came on stage to lip-synch "Sabor a mi." Now, tell me, why would you bring a tuba player on stage only to have him pretend to play?

Yea, Tim Russert, for asking the tough questions. Boo, President Bush, for not really answering them. The fact that the president we didn't elect said uniting the country is "the hardest part of being the president" was baffling. That's the hardest part? Lord help us.

The Grammys
Some things should not be watched alone. The Grammy Awards is one of them. That's why I had to phone a friend to make it through this marathon, three-and-a-half-hour broadcast which, of course, raised many questions.
1. OK. How did they get the newly religious Prince to come out of self-imposed banishment to perform with Beyonce?
2. Why was Sting hogging the mike during the Beatles tribute? And when did he become the Grammys' official duet slut? (Although that "Roxanne" remix was kind of hot.)
3. Alright. If Justin had not won for Best Pop Male whatever, would he still have had to get up on stage and apologize for Teetgate? Also, could Little Man have had more black people backing him up during his "Senorita" performance with Arturo Sandoval? I mean, seriously, I like Mr. J.T. and all, but he had like, eight backup singers and a 20-person band.
4. Speaking of black people, and I'm African-American so don't go calling TV Guide (just say "that girl Rochell's got issues")... Was CBS just trying to knock out its annual Black People Quota for the year with this one telecast? For real. I know it's Black History Month and I love my people and I love seeing wonderful reflections of us on television. But, for a second I thought I was watching BET. It was almost as if CBS and the Grammy folks were trying to make up for past Grammy evils and say, "See, we're "down, too. We love 'Soul music'! See? See!"
5. Could Alicia Keyes' terrible rendition of Lutha's song have lasted any longer? (And, yes, you've got to say it like that, "Lutha.") Goodness gracious. Apparently, a house is not a home if Alicia sings it. And on Celine Dion, I'm just going to quote my friend Linda. When Celine's mike didn't work, Linda said, "God has spoken." Amen to that.
6. How much do I love Andre 3000 for giving the shortest Grammy speech ever? No, Andre, "Thank you."
7. How gorgeous was Beyonce's hair during her second performance?
8. Am I the only one wondering what was in Snoop's diamond-studded chalice? 'Cause you know it wasn't water. Maybe it was gin and juice. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
9. OK, see. Erykah Badu would have had to move if she were sitting in front of me. I'm sorry. You cannot sit here with that double-wide Afro.
10. Holy '80s upgrades, Batman! Patti LaBelle and Richard Marx both look 10 times better now than they did 20 years ago. How is this possible? And do their plastic surgeons do pro bono work?
11. Now to the Andre 3000 and the Outkast finale. I love the song "Hey Ya." That's why I waited 225 minutes to see him perform it. But why was it OK for Andre to have a stereotypical Native American brave theme to his performance? That's just not cute. What is this, Hollywood circa 1950? Come on, y'all. Yes, he was jammin' but, that is not OK. I'm sorry. It's not. In my book, it's up there with Blink 182 having a stage full of midgets during their VMA performance of "All the Small Things." Just because you can make that link doesn't mean you should.

The L Word
Note to Josh Whatshisname, aka the writer of tonight's episode. Yes, women go to the bathroom together. But, no, we don't literally stand in front of the toilet and watch our friends take an early pregnancy test. Gay or straight: There ain't that much sharing of a moment in the world. But, kudos for pulling off the cameo of the week. Casting My So-Called Life's Brian Krakow (Devon Gummersall) as a "lesbian identified man" was sweet! This is a step up from his last role of the date rapist on Felicity.


I would have been mad if I had paid $10 to see this in the theater. But on HBO it was pretty darn good. I know, I know. Critics trashed this. And I could see why sometimes. But there were some moments that make this a primo cable movie. Like the fight scenes. Colin Farrell as the angry Irish man. And, oooh, Ben Affleck in the shower. Oooh. Bruised Ben Affleck in a sensory deprivation tank. Plus, when Ben smelled Jennifer Garner right before she walked into the caf&#233 the first time... That was something special. I mean, what does "pretty" smell like. Was she wearing Essence de Fine or Eau de Hot? Or, whoa, somebody stop me here, maybe it was Fierce by le femme Rochell. Also suprisingly good in this movie was the pop music soundtrack. The fact that they played a hip-hop "top of the morning to you" song when they introduced Colin's crazy Bullseye character was brilliant.

Alien Lockdown
Sci Fi has perfected the designer imposters of movies. If you liked Reign of Fire, you'll love Circle of Fire. Or, in tonight's case, if you like Alien or Sphere, you'll love Alien Lockdown.


Joan of Arcadia
Quote of the night: "Did you see the look Glennis gave you in Chem? That's a look you usually have to download."

Cold Case
I thought I was going to catch an episode of The Handler tonight. But what I got in its place was a Cold Case repeat and a hilarious argument with my little sister.

After Cold Case cops confiscated this poor kid's new-to-him Trans Am that was used in a murder decades before, I asked my sister, "How can you find traces of blood on a car 20 years after the fact?" Now, I was thinking that was a rhetorical question. But, no. She had to get smart. "Blood and stuff doesn't disappear!" she said. "Whenever they break out the black light, they always find something." "But 20 years?!" I say. "That car's been washed a thousand times!" "'Chell," my little sister says to me like I'm Rain Man. "Blood never really disappears. When they break out that black light, they'll find something... Believe me. I watch CSI. I know."

Ed Oh, this show just had to go out with a whimper. Why? Why! Remember the days when Ed was endearing and quirky but great. This episode just seemed defeated. Everything from Ed's ridiculous suggestion that they have a "circus wedding" to Warren's this-is-your-life-Ed video to Carol's idea of Ed and Mike's last dare was just lame. Even Carol's wedding dress — the one she wore to the second, real ceremony — was off. It was a great cut, but the material was a bit too Little Mermaid. Sorry, guys. I will not miss this show.