Desperate Housewives
Wow. Rex died. Just like that. I can't believe how sad I felt watching Bree get the news and then, after the initial shock, gradually break down into uncontrollable tears. Like real life sometimes, we were blindsided by this, so the effect is both overwhelming and hard to digest. And to think Rex's final thoughts were that his wife possibly killed him (which he didn't know wasn't the case). Even though Bree had that hard-to-reconcile moment last week in which she waited to take Rex to the hospital (also because of a George-created plot), it seemed like earlier in the episode that the Van De Kamps had somehow moved past this. I imagine that at some point next season we'll see Bree discover what Rex meant by his cryptic note and it will be beyond heartbreaking.

What else? Well, John finally confronted Carlos and told him that he beat up the wrong guy. Oh you're s-o-o-o brave, you lame-o. Saying that to Carlos in a courtroom full of people and armed officers as he's about to go back to his cell must be the chicken move of the year. What a wuss. And finally not being a wuss was Tom, who, after finding out about Lynette's questionable scheme, told his loving wife that it was time for her to go back to work. Thank god. Sorry, but there've been more than enough "Lynette randomly yelling at her boys" scenes.

At the very beginning of the series, Susan asked, "Mary Alice, what did you do?" And now we finally know the entire sordid mess. But except for the actual knife thrust, nothing was particularly new or shocking. What I am surprised about though, is that it seems ridiculously obvious that Zach is Mike's son. (Two Watercooler readers e-mailed me with this theory several weeks ago.) Boy, just think how proud Mike will be to reconnect with his violent, out-of-his-mind offspring. "So let me get this straight, while I was threatening to kill your 'adoptive' father, you clocked Felicia Tillman? Huh."

With that, this year's prime-time phenomenon ends its first season. However, before I wrap up this sucker, I have one final question: Who was DH's most pathetic character? Sure, George and Zach (and maybe even Susan) are strong contenders. But I think it is, without a doubt, Edie. And not because she seeks companionship any way she can get it. It's simple, really: Just remember — she's the one who actually has to sell real estate on Wisteria Lane. Good luck with that. — Danny Spiegel

Once again, the show starts the evening with a bang. Well, a chop and then a bang, as Wu defies Al, coming out of hiding to send his boys to put a hatchet into the back of a guy from Lee's side before Lee shoots one of them. Thereby, of course, letting everyone know Al was hiding Wu at the Gem. And because of it, our Al's left yelling at his knuckleheaded henchmen like a Batman villain. Then it's on to a bit of folksy observation: "Something strikes me f--kin' melancholy about that creature," Con says while looking up at the stuffed bison head. Well, yeah. His whole body's gone, he's dead and he's hanging on a wall. Duh. But now here's the big man himself, George Hearst, finally rolling into town. And he's... Major Dad? Good to see Gerald McRaney can curse with the best of them. And oh, how we move along. Al convinces Hearst to let Wu take over for Lee in staffing the mines and Hearst moves on hapless E.B.'s hotel. (E.B. gets $100,000 out of him, too.) Then Al's manipulation of Yankton finally bears fruit.

Of course, the show's never without its poignancy, as we see Alma moving slowly through the streets and hear her in voiceover. "I am afraid," she says in a pre-wedding reverie. "I am so afraid that my life is living me, and soon will be over, and not a moment of it will have been my own — and of how my body now tells me that is fine and right.... He is a good man, and he whom I love is here as well." All of which is true, but marrying Ellsworth with Bullock still around doesn't bode well for the marriage.

Overall, a nice balance between the joy of the wedding and the horrific violence playing out elsewhere in the camp — and even in the festivities themselves. (It wouldn't be Deadwood without a mix of love and death.) Good for Andy for stabbing Cy, though. What do you think the odds are that Mr. Tolliver's really heading off to die? Slim to none, I'm betting. — Michael Peck

Grey's Anatomy
Well I'd been waiting for those "last five minutes" since last week's previews. Very interesting. Derek Shepherd has a wife! But now we have to wait until the fall to find out if Addison Shepherd is a recent ex-wife, or if they are going through a separation or — who knows? Very primetime soap. But that sort of fits after watching Desperate Housewives, eh?

Since George is my fave character, it was great that he had to expose himself to and (literally) get poked by Alex, Izzie, Cristina and Meredith. Loved it when he had to tell Mayim Bialik, I mean Olivia, that he had syphilis. Loved it even more when it was revealed that it was Alex who gave Olivia and George "the syph." My favorite moment was Cristina and Dr. Burke standing in the syphilis line telling each other they hadn't had sex with anyone else. "Do I need to be in this line?" "No." Then they walk away in unison — loved the smile on Sandra Oh's face!

And, of course, I must mention the obscure guest stars. First there was Lauren Bowles as the bitchy daughter of the man with the enlarged stomach. It was driving me crazy trying to remember where I'd seen her before. Voil&#224! She's Julia Louis Dreyfus' real-life sister and played her sis on Watching Ellie. But portraying her mother (and you don't get more obscure than this) was the barely recognizable Patty McCormack. TV fanatics will remember Patty as Jeffrey Tambor's wife on The Ropers, but movie fanatics go way back with child actress Patty as the title character in The Bad Seed. — Dave Anderson


Saturday Night Live
A vividly blond and slinky-svelte Lindsay Lohan demonstrated appealing self-mockery in SNL's amiable 30th-season finale. During the monologue, Lohan met her shorter, burned-out 2007 self (Amy Poehler, dangling on wires) — the future Lindsay will overdo it on the Red Bull, star in Mean Girls 2 ("a suck bomb") and introduce late-night porn on Cinemax. (The PPV "Rumble in the Jungle" with Hilary Duff must come later.)

Best sketch: TV Funhouse's "Divertor" was a brilliant satire about a top-secret metahuman who impels Sinbad to flash schoolchildren and outs Jenna Elfman as a slave owner to divert media attention from burning issues like massive deficits and environmental disasters. And wouldn't you know, Mike Tyson ate that golden retriever on his own after all! Worst sketch: The regional stereotypes of Appalachian Emergency Room made Hee Haw look like S.J. Perelman. The rectal joke with the Sharpie pen really hit bottom. Even Chris Parnell deserves better. Parnell's revenge: Chris turned in his best performance of the season as the boozy, lecherous dad putting the moves on babysitter Lohan in the show's final sketch. Recycled bit: The hilarious Woomba feminine minivacuum. "The little pink robot that cleans your noonie!" Best Update zinger: Musing on Condoleezza Rice's surprise trip to Iraq last Sunday, Poehler observed that "also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday were the thousands of troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." Final thoughts: Poehler and Tina Fey are superb comics, but their chronic giggling at themselves during Update borders on the smug — this isn't The Carol Burnett Show, gals. How does Horatio Sanz win at poker in the opening credits when he can't get through a skit (i.e., the "Little Italy" bit) without guffawing? — G. J. Donnelly FRIDAYThe Daytime Emmy AwardsEllen DeGeneres is right. Daytime is the new nighttime! It's also educational, and not just in the Sesame Street way. No, there are true lessons to be learned from all the high cheekbones and low-cut dresses. Check it out... 1) Soap religion lesson: Show openers Deidre Hall, Eric Braeden and Susan Lucci are the holy trinity of daytime. Sadly, they were saddled with ungodly dialogue. And could someone please get Erica Kane a doughnut?! 2) LOVING that The Young and the Restless' Greg Rikaart and Christian Jules LeBlanc took Outstanding Supporting and Lead Actor for playing the scariest brothers this side of the Menendez boys. Gives me hope for the Holbrook sibs. 3) Soap math lesson: A cancer survivor who was raped by her fianc&#233's evil look-alike is greater than, not equal to, a baby snatcher, two barely ex-alcoholics, a white-trash barfly and Crystal Chappell. So congrats to General Hospital's Natalia Livingston on both your Outstanding Younger Actress win and for sparing yourself a lifetime of Hilary Swank jokes with that last-minute shout-out to costar and lovah Tyler Christopher. Nice. 4) One Life to Live's Heather Tom, Nefertiti called. She wants her eyeliner back. Take Hunter Tylo's platinum toga gown with you, OK? 5) "Rob and Amber Get Married"? How about "Rob and Amber Get Lost." So tired of those two. 6) Oh, my god. Guiding Light's former Phillip, Grant Aleksander looks awful. Is he on the Erica Kane diet? 7) Soap logic lesson! Leave a show, win an Emmy. Both Outstanding Younger Actor and Actress trophies went to kids no longer on the canvas. And while Eden Riegel totally deserved it for making Bianca so much more than All My Children's token lesbian, Y&R's diabetic pushover Raul, David Lago, needs to give his back just for that insane speech. I didn't realize nitrous was included in the shindig's goody bags. 8) "Amber Frey: Witness for the Prosecution"? How about "Rob, Amber and Amber Get Lost"? Seriously, CBS, this is what you're touting? 9) AMC's David Canary and Oscar the Grouch: the cutest same-sex couple that isn't Ellen and Portia DeRossi. 10) Bobby Flay married Stephanie March?! 11) Merv Griffin should be beaten with his Lifetime Achievement Award for discovering Ryan Seacrest and not putting him back where he found him. 12) Hey, is that "International heartthrob" Lorenzo Lamas? 13) Only two good things have come out of the loss of the great Bill Bell: Susan Flannery's loving tribute and the comfort of knowing that my mom — who gave me my love for soaps — is up there thanking the man who gave her the best parts of Y&R, GL, The Bold and the Beautiful, Days of our Lives and Another World. "Such a storyteller shall not pass this way again soon." 14) Eight Outstanding Lead Actress nominees and they give it to OLTL's Erika Slezak? The woman has five already! I mean, yeah, she now has more than anyone else, but what about her costar, Kassie DePaiva? The poor girl spent like, a month trapped in a car trunk. Or Guiding Light's Kim Zimmer? You know, playing menopause can't be easy. 15) Soap history lesson! In 1971, As the World Turns distinguished itself as the first daytime drama to be featured on the cover of TV Guide. Tonight it scored the gold for Outstanding Writing Team, even though they recycled half of their plots from last year and still can't find something juicy for Elizabeth Hubbard's delicious Lucinda. Come on folks, get on that! 16) Maybe we could save a little time by just giving Best Talk Show and Talk-Show Host out at the same time? That way Ellen wouldn't have to keep getting up. 17) Looks like Y&R's Eric Braeden found his goody bag. Either that, or sharing the stage with Aretha Franklin has him all flustered. 18) And the Outstanding Drama goes to... General Hospital! Because nothing says love in the afternoon like mobsters, kidnappings, sexual assaults and drug lords. Of course, executive producer Jill Farren Phelps didn't get to say anything about GH's record-shattering eight wins since she was so rudely cut off seconds into her speech. Hmmm. I wonder what would have happened if a CBS show had won? — Damian J. Holbrook

(For backstage gossip from the Daytime Emmys, click here.)

The Muppets' Wizard of Oz
This is not your mother's Wizard of Oz, and chances are it won't be your grandkids' Wizard of Oz either. It's overstuffed with too many modern-day pop-culture references that are likely to fly over the heads of their current target audience, and will probably only baffle the little kids of the future. (Though show me a 5-year-old who knows what the Kabbalah and Manolos are, and maybe I'll stand corrected.) I mean as a child-free adult, I thought it was funny that Dorothy refused to wear hand-me-down shoes (silver, not ruby) until she found out that they were designer, but I still think that the Muppet people may have taken it a little too far with their cutting-edge humor, because even I was skeeved out when Toto started tweaking the Tin Man's nipples. Yeah... too far for family fare. A laugh-out-loud moment came when Kermie, I mean the Scarecrow, cutely asked the very scary wizard of Oz if he were related to Muppet-master Frank Oz. That's just clever; so was having the Cowardly Lion (Fozzie) say he is a friend of Dorothy's. Cute and timeless for those who love the felt creatures... getting felt up... too much. And I'm still confused about the fact that Toto wasn't a dog and instead was a king prawn. Was Rolf unavailable? — Angel Cohn

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