SUNDAY Baseball: World Series,...

SUNDAY

Baseball: World Series, Part 1
This Boston fan is still shocked and thrilled that the Red Sox are even in the World Series for the first time since 1986. (I can remember like it was yesterday. And for Bill Buckner's sake, I'm praying that they win.) And we're off to a good start with Saturday's error-filled win. I'll take it. I don't care. Here's how last night's contest went down:
8:18 pm: The first of several close-ups of Curt Schilling's bloody ankle. Enough of these. We get it.
8:40 pm: Jason Varitek hits one off the wall. Boston is up 2-0 after Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz make it home. I exhale finally.
8:47 pm: Varitek and Bill Mueller collide on a foul pop-up. How does this still happen? Weren't these guys in Little League?
8:59 pm (and 59 seconds): With Boston still up 2-0, I cross my fingers and, with a bit of difficulty, flip over to the "season's hottest show!"....

Desperate Housewives
I do like this show, but tonight my mind was on baseball. However, let's check in on the Wisteria Lane all-star team.
Susan (Teri Hatcher): Getting blackmailed for accidentally burning down your neighbor/rival's house has to suck. But it does help when your daughter is such a resourceful little thief and she's able to retrieve the incriminating measuring cup. Nice going, Julie.
Bree (Marcia Cross): Dragging your rebellious, indignant son out of a strip club has got to be a high point of the day for any image-conscious mother.
Gabrielle (Eva Longoria): Thanks to John the careless gardener, the cleaning woman now has to use gym socks to dust. Good thing he didn't leave behind a jockstrap.
Lynette (Felicity Huffman): Looks like her barely controllable twin boys won't be teaming up for mayhem in school anymore. I'm a twin, and my mother made sure to have my brother and me in separate classes whenever possible, which I definitely think was a good call. She didn't dress us alike, either. And, to top it off, my parents named us Daniel and Jeremy, thus not subjecting us to some sort of alliteration or rhyming fiasco. (Nothing, uh, wrong with that, though — it just wasn't for us.) I guess what I'm saying is, Lynette, split those little bastards up.

Baseball: World Series, Part 2
10 pm: Boston is up 4-1 now! Yes! I'm still worried, though.
10:30 pm: Fenway Park's Green Monster lives up to its name when it denies Orlando Cabrera a home run. Regardless, beard-lovin' Johnny Damon and Trot Nixon score. It's now 6-1, and I'm getting paranoid thinking that somehow it's all going into the toilet the next time St. Louis is up. No reason, just general, warped Sox mentality.
10:48 pm: "Boston's own" Donna Summer performs a truly amazing rendition of "God Bless America." Hats off.
11:01 pm: The "Pokey chant" can be heard for Pokey Reese.
11:11 pm: The Cardinals start to look alive. All of a sudden we see a lot of nervous crowd-reaction shots. During the Yankees series, long-suffering fans could be seen literally watching the game through their fingers, the same way you watch a horror movie. You're compelled to watch, but it's torture.
11:37 pm: Mike Matheny grounds out and the Sox win 6-2! Wait, are we sure?... Really?...Yay!
11:39 pm: A quick shot of a Boston fan with a sign that says "I Love These Idiots." Me, too.

Boston Legal
Yeah, I watched this on tape. So what. Anyway, I didn't think it was possible, but I'm actually not seeing Captain Kirk in a pricey suit anymore when William Shatner is on screen. He has become "Denny Crane." Incredible. And I love how the show is already having fun with itself by peppering various utterances of "Denny Crane" through various scenes, both in the background and foreground. Nevertheless, this was Sally's (Lake Bell) episode. When Alan (James Spader) was laying into that poor, pathetic store clerk for daring to testify against a CEO who shoplifted, you could feel Sally's overwhelming regret. After seeing such venom from her colleague and lover, it not so strangely gave her pause regarding their relationship. Hmph, who would've thought?

60 Minutes
I'd just like to note that unlike Jon Stewart's appearance on Crossfire last week, this time he did not call anyone, namely interviewer Steve Kroft , a d--k. He saves that for the typically annoying Tucker Carlson.

SATURDAY

Saturday Night Live
I can't be sure, but I think tonight's theme was "Oh, by the way, Mary Cheney, the vice-president's daughter? Lesbian." Or as Amy Poehler, impersonating Kerry's campaign manager, put it, "a stone-cold lesbone." It's always a thin line on material like this. It's the Chris Rock rule: If you're going to say something arguably offensive, it had better be sidesplittingly funny. Luckily, this was pretty close, and to be honest, this was chiefly poking fun at the awkward way Kerry inserted this tidbit into the last debate. During the later debate sketch, I was waiting for a crazed Lynne Cheney (Rachel Dratch, maybe?) to come flying out of the wings and tackle Kerry (Seth Meyers), pulling him off the stage in one fury-filled motion. But that didn't happen. Also, before I forget: I wonder if PBS's Jim Lehrer saw the makeup job they did for Chris Parnell 's impression and thought, "Damn, does my turkey-neck really look that bad?"

And now for the ultimate musical screwup. Yikes — I mean, how bad did you feel for Ashlee Simpson at the end of the show (as well as her band, sound technicians, etc.) when after, performing "Pieces of Me" in her first set, the same prerecorded track came on for set No. 2. You could hear her voice, but she wasn't singing into the microphone. At best, this could've been a background track that accompanied her on this song; at worst, it was lip-sync meltdown. So what did she do? She just danced briefly and then sheepishly exited, stage left (as Snagglepuss would say). Thankfully, she (somewhat) acknowledged this faux pas at the end of the show during the good-byes. "I feel so bad," said Simpson. "My band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I'd do a hoedown. I'm sorry." That's an exact quote. Now, if only we could all escape any awkward moment by simply doing a hoedown. So next time you, say, mistake a woman gaining weight as a pregnancy, or mistakenly add 10 years to someone's age, just start dancing.

The Incredibles commercial
I can't stop laughing at the clip in which Mr. Incredible is trying, with Herculean effort, to click his superhero belt and, in utter frustration, he bangs the desk, like, "C'mon! Button, you stupid belt!"

FRIDAY

Joan of Arcadia
In a not-so-subtle critique of our rancorous national election, Joan comes frighteningly close to playing dirty to help the geeky candidate she supports become student-body president. She declares, "This is about good and evil — and good is gonna kick ass!" Joan, you kill me.

Star Trek: Enterprise
I've watched a lot of Star Trek, and this was the first time I've heard someone from Starfleet say "son of a bitch." (The Borg say it all the time, but that doesn't count. Actually, they say "drone of a bitch," so never mind.) In this case, it was an increasingly testy Captain Archer going off about consistently condescending Soval, Vulcan's ambassador and original ingrate. Anyway, in addition to a little futuristic swearing, there was also a story line focusing on Trip's visit to Vulcan. It's hard enough meeting your girlfriend's mom on Earth; I can only imagine what's it like to come face-to-pointy-ears with a Vulcan mother. But, Trip, next time the woman you're in love with is about to get married, speak up, buddy.