When I first spoiled myself online and read what the contestants would be singing, I was genuinely horrified. And though this wasn't quite the huge train wreck I was anticipating, no amount of leather, dudes wearing eyeliner or brilliant light shows could disguise the fact that these people simply can not sing Queen. They actually featured good singers last summer on Rock Star: INXS, and those people still had trouble emulating Freddie Mercury's awesome voice. And it was a travesty to say that Queen's music lived on through "memorable Idol performances" and to then show Constantine. Gross. Now I have to clean my TV screen.

Bucky mumbled and stumbled his way through "Fat Bottomed Girls" in a countrified manner that would only be tolerable after consuming all the tequila in every karaoke bar in America. And yet he still wasn't the worst of the night: That particular honor was reserved for Ace. I figured he'd have trouble with Queen, I just didn't think he'd embarrass himself so badly in the process. He thought he rocked? Whatever. How funny was it watching the band shoot down his "rearrangement" attempt not once but twice? Methinks Ace has finally falsified his last falsetto note.

Kellie Pickler did manage to surprise me I thought for sure she'd be laughable doing "Bohemian Rhapsody," but since she followed the nightmare that was Ace, she just came off as somewhat silly. At least she gave it her all. Then she didn't understand what Simon meant by "on paper it should have been hideous." Someone should explain to her that paper is what literate people write on. And also, Joan Jett wants her outfit back.

I agreed with Simon's assessment of Chris. He should have been the best of the night and wasn't, and once again got indulgent with his song choice. He was one of the few who really could have fared well with a well-known classic stadium anthem. Katherine went back and forth between clear and stunning vocals to oversinging and shouting the lyrics. Elliott's DJ intro to his own song was great but his "Somebody to Love" was just okay, though not very memorable.

The best performances were saved for last, with Taylor sounding decent but looking completely absurd shuffling around the stage. When he booted over the microphone stand all I could think was: "I'm 50.... And I can kick!" In my opinion Paris had the best vocals of the night. And while she's singing songs that are too "old" for her, it's not like she has much of a choice. Seriously, why are the producers putting them (and us) through things like Queen night? And is it wrong to hope that the one-hour results show means they are booting off all eight contestants and starting this season over?