Six Feet Under
OK, let's play "Guess the Dead One." I say the therapist. No, the patient. No, the therapist.... Damn, wrong again. But what the hell's the message here, that trying to face your demons and change your life for the better is foolhardy because you might end up being shoved onto a log holder and take an iron spike through the eye? Memo to self: Continue the self-improvement away from pointy things. Memo to Nate: Unless they're passed out and facing up, don't offer to help a vomiting person until after he/she is done. Memo to Rico: If you're going to be heartless enough to break up with someone via IM, be a good-enough guy to come up with a charitable lie. Memo to Claire and Billy: Moving in together only means you're opening the door to all kinds of drama. Which is the point, since this is a drama. Duh.

Now let's put our bets down on the relationship derby. My latest handicapping, based on this episode, has David and Keith ahead by a length or two. Nate and Brenda? Maybe, maybe not. They seem to be dealing OK with the miscarriage, but much as I hate to agree with that catty dead Lisa, one of them will find a way to screw things up.

Since this is the last season, by the way, wanna take bets now on which Fisher (or member of their orbit) ends up on the table at the end of the series finale? My money's on Nate. Or Ruth. Or Claire? Nah, not Claire. Rico. Never mind. I'll wimp out and keep guessing as the season progresses. But if it is Nate, I'll pretend I was confident in my first guess all along and link back to this column. And if it's David or Keith, I'm gonna be bummed. They're the only two people I truly like on this show. — Michael Peck

Hell's Kitchen
OK, so you had to know that we'd be losing Dewberry. Let's be honest: If walking out on his Red Team during the restaurant's doomed second night wasn't bad enough, the overgrown muffin still deserved to go based on his lame-o defenses on the chopping block last week. "I have a good base knowledge on... general things, you know?" No, I don't, buddy. And I want the folks pan-searing my scallops to know a bit more than just "general things." Like how to properly hate on Elsie for selling him out in the first place. Or how to handle a mofo like Gordon after he cuts off the Blue Team's air-conditioning for losing the squid-cleaning contest. Seriously, somebody needs to set that Brit straight. The customers may not always be right, but they will always be the customers. So quit bitchin' in the kitchen and feed those poor people before they order in even more pizzas! Oh, and send Jeff home next while you're at it. I'd rather watch Edward Norton look-alike Andrew bad-mouth Mary Ellen than listen to that kidney-stone-chondriac suck up to his maniacal mentor any day. Except maybe the day when the hunger-crazed whiner with a doctorate in Music Ed bitch-slaps ma&#238tre d' Jean-Philippe before choking the living fish and chips right out of rude Ramsay. Now that would be tasty. — Damian J. Holbrook

The Scholar
Before this aired, I saw two girls on Wheel of Fortune win $50,000 for getting a couple of crossword clues right, and I'm just guessing that their GPAs weren't over 4.0. (And how is a 4.6 GPA even possible anyway? My school didn't go higher than 4. Is this that new math again?) Regardless, it seems like it should be easier for such obviously deserving kids to earn money for college. All of them are really smart and in need of this full-ride scholarship; it's almost a shame that if they don't win this cash they might not be able to attend their Ivy League schools of choice. Well, I'd feel bad for most of them , maybe not that cocky Davis kid. I went to high school with a few like him (names withheld to protect those who grew up to be somewhat less self-absorbed individuals), and they always drove me insane. He was right when he said that people either liked him or hated him right away. I was so glad that Melissa — who overcame a debilitating spinal surgery that I so didn't need to see — was able to knock him down a peg and win the first spot in the final five and 50 grand. Go, girl power! I felt so smart that I knew almost all of the space questions and all of the literature questions. I just knew that degree in English Lit would be good for something. I'd hoped it would be more than just making me feel smarter than kids half my age, but at least it gives me something to look forward to every week. Otherwise, this nicey-nice show may be a little too Splenda to satisfy my reality junk-food cravings. While I had a good chuckle when the snooty Davis — who did push-ups instead of studying — couldn't come up with Margaret Mitchell's name, it was nowhere near as vapidly entertaining as the fifth-grade quiz games with the girls on Beauty and the Geek. — Angel Cohn

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