Shows are listed alphabetically, so you can read them all or just scroll down to your fave.
5:00 am-6:00 am
While Jack was this hour's hero for saving Tony's life, the entire 60 minutes really hinged on Michelle, who did the right thing by telling Buchanan she was being blackmailed by the terrorist. For a second I really thought Michelle might call off all those field agents, especially since Tony once committed treason to save her life. (Here's an idea for a required course at CTU school: "Relationships with a Fellow Agent: Don't Do It. No, We Really Mean It.") Talk about an ethical dilemma your love interest/ex-husband or millions of dead people? Luckily, her choice set in motion the capture of the terrorist who then led Jack to Marwan. Here's what I learned:
1) Marwan knew some freakin' hot terrorists. Mandi's a cross between Jennifer Connelly (long, straight, black hair covering intense eyes) and Angelina Jolie circa Tomb Raider (complete with teeny-tiny, tight black shorts and gun strapped to her way-muscular leg). No wonder Marwan wanted her to escape the country with him!
2) Rain doesn't wash away bloody footprints. A smart move by Tony, who cut his toe so that Jack could find him.
3) But rain should have been heard on tape if Miss Hot Terrorist (MHT) was indeed the one inside the getaway car. Which can only mean one thing: Tony's still alive! Oh, and that MHT sent her two neighbors to die in the car blast. (Reminder to self: Be really, really nice to the people living next door.)
4) Logan suffered more meltdowns than a thirsty Courtney Love fresh out of rehab. This time I half expected Palmer to slap him across the face. "Act presidential!" he barked at him after Logan whined about the missing missile. How about acting normal instead?
5) CTU needs to train their agents better. Man, did Burns give it up too fast or what? And they didn't even lay a hand on the guy. What a wuss!
Our poor hero, Jack, forced to fake his own death... Looks like he got the raw end of the deal with Marwan dead (who really expected him to be taken alive?), the missile shot out of the air (phew!), the war with the Chinese averted (phew again!) and Michelle and Tony living happily ever after (awww!). Guess that's the burden of saving the world. Here's what I learned:
1) Palmer should have run for (and won) a second term. What was classier than signing off on the MHT's (see above) immunity deal even after finding out she once tried to kill him?
2) If you can't escape the country with MHT, then you might as well free-fall to your death off a parking-lot deck.
3) A point-blank shot from an automatic weapon won't wipe out the hard drive in a GPS system. (I drop my laptop once and I lose everything. Go figure!)
4) You can't decode any information with a correlation matrix unless you expand the parameter. Duh! (Just ask Chloe.)
5) Never trust a politician. Did you notice how fast Logan turned on Palmer after thanking him for saving the day? Same goes for security chief Cummings, who immediately went against Logan's wishes by putting a hit on Jack.
6) When absolutely necessary, find a way to stage your own death. Do a really good job of stopping your heart and your breathing, and bring along some fake blood. Oh, and hope like hell the epinephrine works. (Good thing it did....)
Talk about a looooong 24 hours. But you did good, Jack, and saved millions of people. Hope you find your way back to us and to CTU. See you next year. Robin Honig
What?!?! Holy s---! Around 10:55 p.m., I was getting the feeling that this was way too much closure for an Alias episode. Then I remembered: Irina had warned Vaughn to come clean with Sydney (a deviously placed loose thread). So I knew something was coming. But just when you had digested him saying, "Well, for starters, my name isn't Michael Vaughn..." Boom! Crash! That speeding vehicle comes flying out of nowhere. And now it's gonna be months and months before we find out what happened and what Vaughn's big secret is (and you just know we won't get any real answers until a sweeps period). That was awesome. Never relax when you watch Alias; never mind during the last five minutes of a thrilling season finale.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. So much happened: Zombies were blown away; Elena got shot in the head; a red-eyed Nadia went nutso; Sloane nearly killed his own daughter; Weiss and Marshall perfected their Russian and the fine art of blackmail; Irina and Jack actually kissed; and finally, the big red ball came tumblin' down (last phrase sung to the tune of that John Mellencamp song). Whew! They really jam-packed this milestone installment. Very satisfying, and, most important, I'll say something that I may not have expected back in, like, February or March: I can't wait for next season. Danny Spiegel
The Amazing Race
Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s-s-s!!!! Woo-hoo!! Hooray for Uchenna and Joyce! It feels so damn good to see the nice guys (that is, couple) finish first. That Spanish-speaking cab driver was, initially, their savior, but he quickly became their biggest obstacle when he had to be paid (of course, he had no idea what was at stake). It just shows you how true-blue Uchenna and Joyce are, when, with their tightest and most important deadline looming, they still took the time out to make sure the cabbie "was covered." Now that's character. But, if they had lost because of that, my head would have exploded.
Those last two legs were unbelievably tight. It was one close call after another. First, Rob and Amber got stopped at a police checkpoint. Then, moments later, Uchenna and Joyce were delayed by a flat tire. (When I saw that, I was like, "C'mon!") Next, you had Amber getting confused as to where she had to jump 30 feet into the water, which was soon followed by toll-booth mayhem. And of course, let's not forget the mother of close calls: Uchenna and Joyce almost missing the early flight to Miami that Rob and Amber were already on. Talk about miracles! (And benevolent pilots!)
And here's hoping that Uchenna and Joyce have another miracle in the near future. As they mentioned, they plan to use the prize money to have a child, whether it's another try at in-vitro fertilization or adoption. It appears that this was truly a life-changing experience for them (40,000 miles across five continents can do that to you).
Well, it's been, in my opinion, the best race so far of this Emmy-winning series. You had spitting llamas, shaved heads, mounds of uneaten meat, 600 lb. elephant carts, Jerome the Gnome, a bribed bus driver, many missed flights and confused cab drivers and so much more. And even I'll admit that Rob and Amber were smart, skillful players. Not overly ethical, but smart. Once again, congratulations to Uchenna and Joyce! You two deserve it. (PS. In New York, the happy couple were interviewed on CBS local news, and let me tell you, Joyce's hair short but grown in looks great!) DS
8:02 Truth? I love 'em both, but I had to go with Bo. OK, and Carrie. She'll probably win, but he's gonna get a deal anyway. I'm a finale geek, I know. And don't worry, I'm taping Lost, so even if this thing sucks air, all won't be, er... lost.
8:05 Oh, no. The Top 10 are slaughtering "Good Vibrations." Not a good sign. And they look like Kids, Incorporated on Red Bull.
8:06 It's so nice to see Ryan in men's clothing again.
8:07 Accck!!! Mikalah's on the red carpet! Run, Kirstie Alley! Hide, Marg Helgenberger! Save yourselves!
8:11 "Your results, coming up." Um, Ryan... that's not for another 109 minutes. Stop it.
8:15 Check out Season 2's LaToya London in Bo's Alabama hometown. Awww, good times, good times. She was so robbed.
8:17 Love Bogart on "Vehicle," but we heard this last night. Smoke break!
8:23 OK, what did I miss? Ooooh, it's last year's frat-boy troubadour, Matt Rogers, live from Carrie's Oklahoma 'hood. Hitting on the mayor. Nice.
8:26 Is it me, or did country girl just send "Angels Brought Me Here" straight to the rafters? Even better than Tuesday night. And no crack. Hmmm.
8:33 Time to visit the judges' green rooms. Uh-oh. Randy's working a black suit with white shoes. Ick. Paula's First Lady hair scares me. And Simon is showing way too much U.K. man chest. My eyes! My eyes!
8:42 - 8:49 More Southerners screaming with Matt and LaToya. I think Simon's right about LaToya being tipsy. Probably turned to booze after being robbed!
9:00 Finally, the real show starts. Pass the crackers, 'cause the cheese is coming!
9:03 And here it is... Bo and Carrie just dueted on "Up Where We Belong."
9:05 They both get brand-new Fords? Dayyyummm.
9:07 I think I have a crush on Carrie. How do I tell Vonzell?
9:10 More clips from bad auditions. Oh, well, time to scratch Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua's belly until he passes out.
9:11 Those two loser auditioners Adam and Dirk were invited to the show? What? And David Hasselhoff? Come on, Fox. We've given up like, 50 nights to watch this damn karaoke contest. You couldn't throw a brotha and his Mexican superhero dog a bone?
9:21 All right, the "Simon's Bad Judgment" report spoofing the Coreygate scandal was delicious. Randy cutting a song called "Dawgtics," the telltale items from Too-Tight Tees, Paula crying "He started rejecting me." All because of Cowell's sordid affair... with himself. If only Life on a Stick had been this funny.
9:32 All-Star Medley! The Idols with their idols. This should be... scary?
9:33 Ahhh, Carrie and Rascal Flatts on "God Bless the Broken Road." So far, so good. May need to download that one.
9:35 Anthony, Anwar and Kenny G doing "I Believe I Can Fly"? No, they can't. Sorry, guys.
8:23 Constantine, Nadia, Jessica and Kenny Wayne Shephard tackle "Walk This Way" and instantly, that Britney-Aerosmith Super Bowl mess is forgiven. At least Nadia looks fab.
9:39 Gotta say it, Scott, Nikko and George Benson's "On Broadway" ain't too shabby. And yes, Scott can sing. Nikko's cooler, though.
9:41 With Vonzell and Billy Preston, I'm born again. It's weird that I wanna have her baby. So's Preston's track suit. Thanks for dressing up, dude.
9:44 How the hell did Babyface get stuck with Mikalah and Lindsey? Did he lose a bet? Poor guy. Poor us.
9:45 Now this is what I'm talking about. Bo, Lynryd Skynryd, "Sweet Home Alabama." Someone go hug Babyface.
9:50 My ass is numb.
9:53 Last words from the judges and it's all blah, blah, blah. Read the results!
9:55 And the winner is... Carrie!!! Oh, my god, am I crying? How embarrassing. But look at Bo being so happy for her, too. He's my new idol. Not to mention Robin Honig's secret, imaginary lovah.
9:58 Oh, no... "I Want to Be Inside Your Heaven" will be her first single? I thought she just won? Man, now we all have a reason to cry. Damian J. Holbrook
So Kendra got hired. I'm so shocked... OK, not really. Especially after Tana's less-than-professional outbursts about her team during last week's task. I thought for a moment that she just had one bad night, but her Arsenio Hall-style whooping when she took credit for the Pontiac task during which she ditched Kendra in order to get some beauty sleep made me realize that's just her personality. I was with her up until the Bedazzling incident and then... well, she just started to crack. I was worried that Trump might appreciate that sort of outspoken behavior, but at the end of the day, he chose the quiet, hard worker to represent his company. The fact that polished, book-smart Kendra has teamed up with gritty, street-smart Chris made me realize a couple of things: This whole grand experiment between the two kinds of education was really a failure, as it seems like you need a bit of both to succeed; and also that Kendra wasn't sitting around wasting the last few months hoping that Trump would give her a job, but was out there working it with the most difficult partner she could find. Good luck; just stay spunky and don't become a humorless worker drone like Kelly and Bill have become. And Donald, before next season, maybe you want to spend less time plugging your friend Martha and all your sponsors' great products and actually learn the names of the contestants. He clearly got confused when it came to Erin and Kristen. Ahh, the beauty of live TV. Angel Cohn
The Bachelor: The Final Rose Live
Ugh. After three hours of foreplay, Charlie O'Connell finally picked his next ex-girlfriend. And we got to watch. Some of you even got to look away. Not me. So, for those of you who couldn't stomach the journey, I offer you a predigested tour through the night I will never get back. Thanks a lot, ABC.
8:01: Ahh, the look, the feel of Chris Harrison, live from Hollywood.
8:18: Krisily meets the O'Connells, who love her. Probably since she doesn't mention Mom's Flintstoney bone necklace. Or ask for Jerry.
8:19: Chuck's buds prove to be the whitest whiteys on Earth by declaring that the salon coordinator is "so down," while pounding lite beer.
8:30: Sarah B. shows up in Montauk to irk Chuck's best pal, who calls her "a bit controlling." Maybe, but his "whips and chains" comment is way off. She's clearly of the feathers-and-duct-tape scene.
8:32: Is it me, or does Sarah seem a little drunk-faced at dinner? And is that a new bone necklace Mama O'Connell's sporting? Pretty.
8:37: It's a Bachelor on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown! Charlie tears up thinking about how confused he is. I know, let's give him two months to date the ladies off-camera. They'll love that!
8:38: Or maybe not. "I think it's kind of f----d up," grumbles Sarah. Hmm...
8:50: The gals head back to NYC for their last dates with Charlie, who "kicks it on the couch" with Krisily before facing Sarah's wrath. Which should tell him something... other than that "kicking it on the couch" is a sucky idea for a date.
9:00: Kissing montage! Wow, this guy got some major play.
9:02 We're back live with Chris and the ladies are off in their dressing rooms. "I'm freaking out," says Sarah, looking anything but freaked. Must still be loaded from dinner with the O'Connells. Krisily, however, is bangin'. So obviously, she's doomed.
9:03: Hey, it's Byron and Mary from the last Bachelor in the audience. How convenient. And they're planning a 2006 wedding. Good thing ABC had some hits this year, 'cause you know that's gonna cost 'em.
9:22: OK, enough with the Mexican date footage. Bring out the boy!
9:24: It's about damn time. Charlie finally comes out to banter with Chris about turning 30 and hating the show right now. Word.
9:30: Clips of Charlie, Krisily and Sarah watching themselves on the show? This thing has more filler than a crab cake from the TV Guide cafeteria. Oh, sorry. "On-site restaurant." Did Krisily's mother just call Kimberley a slut?
9:36: The ladies' families exchange pleasantries about one another's "beautiful girl." Which, in reality-TV speak means "your skank ho is going down!" And there's Krisily's nana, working the C.Z. like a pro. Bless her bedazzled heart.
10:06 Dancing with the Stars? Really?
10:24 I called it. Krisily just got the boot. Still, she's taking it well. Do I smell the next Bachelorette? Or is that Chuckles' instant regret?
10:48 Wait, you're kidding me, right? "I will be the greatest boyfriend ever"? This Sarah chick has been hanging around for two months, for a boyfriend?! Cripes, I could have set the ninny up with my roommate John and spared us all the last two months of Mondays. That's it, O'Connell. Just like your 15 minutes, we are so over. Damian J. Holbrook
Man, I love Quentin Tarantino. He can start with what is already a fantastic procedural show and take it to the next level. His odd-but-appropriate music choices and visual style are unmistakable (I'm sure he added the Dukes of Hazzard board game, too). However, I'm a little bit worried about his current obsession with stuffing people in confined spaces. He tossed Uma six feet under in Kill Bill 2, and now Nick is in the same predicament. Tarantino does do tight quarters better than anyone, though Alias and Veronica Mars have followed suit pretty convincingly this season. He really kicked it up Tarantino-style with the icky fire ants and tons of explosives. Did anyone else start itching when they showed those bugs biting into Stokes' flesh? I'm not too squeamish, but that really got to me. I'm not sure if tonight's torture was delayed payback for George Eads' money-grubbing stunt earlier this season, or a reward for his solid performances since then, including that showcase episode where he really got to show some range. Or maybe he and Gary Dourdan really did flip for it. The warped autopsy scene was also clearly a byproduct of the oddball Tarantino mind, but I've got to give credit to the writers for keeping their snappy dialogue and tone intact, even with a big personality calling the shots. They did a great job of bringing the whole season full circle with Grissom's request to reunite his team. That was very poignant, as was watching Grissom read Stokes' lips on the web cam. But the most touching moment of the evening was unintentional. This episode turned out to be character actor Frank Gorshin's final performance before his death earlier this week. So riddle me this: Is there any better way for an actor to go out than on the top-rated drama on TV? I don't think so. AC
Once again, the show starts the evening with a bang. Well, a chop and then a bang, as Wu defies Al, coming out of hiding to send his boys to put a hatchet into the back of a guy from Lee's side before Lee shoots one of them. Thereby, of course, letting everyone know Al was hiding Wu at the Gem. And because of it, our Al's left yelling at his knuckleheaded henchmen like a Batman villain. Then it's on to a bit of folksy observation: "Something strikes me f--kin' melancholy about that creature," Con says while looking up at the stuffed bison head. Well, yeah. His whole body's gone, he's dead and he's hanging on a wall. Duh. But now here's the big man himself, George Hearst, finally rolling into town. And he's... Major Dad? Good to see Gerald McRaney can curse with the best of them. And oh, how we move along. Al convinces Hearst to let Wu take over for Lee in staffing the mines and Hearst moves on hapless E.B.'s hotel. (E.B. gets $100,000 out of him, too.) Then Al's manipulation of Yankton finally bears fruit.
Of course, the show's never without its poignancy, as we see Alma moving slowly through the streets and hear her in voiceover. "I am afraid," she says in a pre-wedding reverie. "I am so afraid that my life is living me, and soon will be over, and not a moment of it will have been my own and of how my body now tells me that is fine and right.... He is a good man, and he whom I love is here as well." All of which is true, but marrying Ellsworth with Bullock still around doesn't bode well for the marriage.
Overall, a nice balance between the joy of the wedding and the horrific violence playing out elsewhere in the camp and even in the festivities themselves. (It wouldn't be Deadwood without a mix of love and death.) Good for Andy for stabbing Cy, though. What do you think the odds are that Mr. Tolliver's really heading off to die? Slim to none, I'm betting. Michael Peck
Wow. Rex died. Just like that. I can't believe how sad I felt watching Bree get the news and then, after the initial shock, gradually break down into uncontrollable tears. Like real life sometimes, we were blindsided by this, so the effect is both overwhelming and hard to digest. And to think Rex's final thoughts were that his wife possibly killed him (which he didn't know wasn't the case). Even though Bree had that hard-to-reconcile moment last week in which she waited to take Rex to the hospital (also because of a George-created plot), it seemed like earlier in the episode that the Van De Kamps had somehow moved past this. I imagine that at some point next season we'll see Bree discover what Rex meant by his cryptic note and it will be beyond heartbreaking.
What else? Well, John finally confronted Carlos and told him that he beat up the wrong guy. Oh you're s-o-o-o brave, you lame-o. Saying that to Carlos in a courtroom full of people and armed officers as he's about to go back to his cell must be the chicken move of the year. What a wuss. And finally not being a wuss was Tom, who, after finding out about Lynette's questionable scheme, told his loving wife that it was time for her to go back to work. Thank god. Sorry, but there've been more than enough "Lynette randomly yelling at her boys" scenes.
At the very beginning of the series, Susan asked, "Mary Alice, what did you do?" And now we finally know the entire sordid mess. But except for the actual knife thrust, nothing was particularly new or shocking. What I am surprised about though, is that it seems ridiculously obvious that Zach is Mike's son. (Two Watercooler readers e-mailed me with this theory several weeks ago.) Boy, just think how proud Mike will be to reconnect with his violent, out-of-his-mind offspring. "So let me get this straight, while I was threatening to kill your 'adoptive' father, you clocked Felicia Tillman? Huh."
With that, this year's prime-time phenomenon ends its first season. However, before I wrap up this sucker, I have one final question: Who was DH's most pathetic character? Sure, George and Zach (and maybe even Susan) are strong contenders. But I think it is, without a doubt, Edie. And not because she seeks companionship any way she can get it. It's simple, really: Just remember she's the one who actually has to sell real estate on Wisteria Lane. Good luck with that. DS
Cue the sensitive Natalie Merchant "My Beloved Wife" tune over an image of a distraught Harold Abbot praying in the toilet while Andy slices and dices that terrible tumor and the weepy waterworks start flowing for this Everwood fan and don't stop until after the show returns from the commercial break. Thankfully the heavy drama took a slightly more upbeat turn with news on the romance front: Andy kissin' Nina and sparking even more conflict in the love triangle with Dr. Dimples; the often unseen Delia making the first move and telling Ethan that she likes him; and last, but certainly not least, Hannah ditching Shasta McSpastic and finally getting her first "sweaty" kiss from Bright. YAY! I've been waiting all season for the show's two most likable and endearing characters finally to give in to their mutual attraction. I just knew that once he licked her butterscotch-pudding top, things were going in the right direction. And speaking of the right direction, glad that Dr. Abbot finally gave Andy what-for. The no-nonsense doc took his partner to task for just about every wrongdoing imaginable what a brilliantly composed wake-up call! then apologized (unnecessarily, if you ask me) and just as convincingly gave an emotional speech begging his best friend to stay in town. Color me teary-eyed again over that, and over Harold's honest admission that he trusted Amy to do the right thing after he hit her with the zinger about Zoloft. So perfect. Frankly, the Abbot family is the best reason for anyone to stay in this small town. From the gruff head of the household to the ailing true head of the household and town mayor to the sometimes self-involved but always interesting Amy to the adorably sensitive Bright to no-nonsense Grandma Edna these are people worth knowing, and I'm glad that I get to watch their little fake family every week for an hour and a good cry. AC
Everybody Loves Raymond
Nobody died. Or announced a pregnancy. Or a divorce. Or any other sort of life-changing event that typifies so many long-running series' contrived grand finales. What happened in Everybody Loves Raymond's sweet and touching and very funny final episode was a typically small but powerfully resonant moment a medical scare for Ray triggering reactions that veered from heart-wrenching emotion to rollicking comedy with breathtaking agility and impact.
The setup: Ray goes into the hospital to have his adenoids out. Finally! (Frank figures they're close to those other 'oids on his backside.) Everyone mocks neurotic Ray for being such a big baby over such minor surgery everyone but smothering Marie, who thinks breathing in the fumes from her minestrone can cure all ills (including Debra's cooking). But at the hospital, when a nurse comes into the waiting room to tell Debra that Ray is having trouble waking up from anesthesia, the instant panic is real and scary. Debra and Robert freak. (Marie, thankfully, is in the ladies' room at the time.) But once it's clear it was a false alarm, Debra calculates it's best that "nobody tells Ray." Frank adds, "Or his mother."
Still, the family is shaken to the core. Debra, in bed with Ray, gets choked up talking about her daily routine. Frank, in bed with Marie, is unusually reflective and thoughtful and naturally can't keep the secret. Frantic Marie rushes to her boy's bedside, crawling over Debra to pummel an aghast Ray with kisses. "I knew one day this would happen," Debra sighs. So did we all, but that doesn't make it any prettier.
And so we leave the Barones the next morning, three generations crowded around a breakfast table rambunctious, fractious, full of life and love, waiting for chocolate-chip pancakes, courtesy of Marie (who once again has taken charge of Debra's kitchen). As the camera pulls back for the final fade, it reminded me of the last shot in Moonstruck, another grand comic fable about an unforgettable Italian family. I never wanted that movie to end. I never wanted this series to end.
But all good things must, though rarely with as much class and confident grace as Everybody Loves Raymond. Ray Romano, Patricia Heaton, Doris Roberts, Peter Boyle, Brad Garrett. Man, it just doesn't get any better than that. Matt Roush
I think I need a minute alone with my Kleenex. [Sniffling and wiping eyes. Taking a deep, deep breath.] OK, I think I'm good. But you won't mind if I get all verklempt, right? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I can't write about Lorelai asking Luke to marry her (!!!) without getting totally choked up. How amazing and unexpected was that? Lorelai has finally come of age, shedding the self-doubt and flightiness that made her oblivious to the perfect thing right in front of her. As Luke rambled on about his master plan to get Rory back into Yale, we literally watched the transformation come across her face. (Lauren Graham deserves an Emmy nod for that scene alone.) It was the perfect ending to the best season yet. (Please, oh, please, we don't want to wait an entire year for this wedding! November sweeps would be perfect, thanks.)
Sure, I'm still swooning over the proposal, but this ep was incredibly bittersweet. Lorelai and Rory, whose lives have always merged so perfectly, have veered terribly off-course. From her new Richie-Rich Yalie friends to her very Richie-Rich boyfriend to her new living arrangement with her Richie-Rich grandparents, Rory is proving to be a true blue-blooded Gilmore, much to her mother's dismay. And now that Emily and Richard have their moneyed hands on Rory, Lorelai's lost yet another piece of what was once her sweet, down-to-earth daughter. (How bad did you feel for Lorelai, watching from outside as Rory put her books away inside the pool house?) Perhaps mom does need to let go a little and trade one bond for another. Good thing Luke's right there waiting with his toolbox, the Twickum house and his dreams of their children filling up their home. (There I go, getting all teary-eyed again.) I can't wait until next season. RH
Well I'd been waiting for those "last five minutes" since last week's previews. Very interesting. Derek Shepherd has a wife! But now we have to wait until the fall to find out if Addison Shepherd is a recent ex-wife, or if they are going through a separation or who knows? Very primetime soap. But that sort of fits after watching Desperate Housewives, eh?
Since George is my fave character, it was great that he had to expose himself to and (literally) get poked by Alex, Izzie, Cristina and Meredith. Loved it when he had to tell Mayim Bialik, I mean Olivia, that he had syphilis. Loved it even more when it was revealed that it was Alex who gave Olivia and George "the syph." My favorite moment was Cristina and Dr. Burke standing in the syphilis line telling each other they hadn't had sex with anyone else. "Do I need to be in this line?" "No." Then they walk away in unison loved the smile on Sandra Oh's face!
And, of course, I must mention the obscure guest stars. First there was Lauren Bowles as the bitchy daughter of the man with the enlarged stomach. It was driving me crazy trying to remember where I'd seen her before. Voilà! She's Julia Louis Dreyfus' real-life sister and played her sis on Watching Ellie. But portraying her mother (and you don't get more obscure than this) was the barely recognizable Patty McCormack. TV fanatics will remember Patty as Jeffrey Tambor's wife on The Ropers, but movie fanatics go way back with child actress Patty as the title character in The Bad Seed. Dave Anderson
Well, I hope you're happy. Y'all have been shouting at us when we didn't cover this snappy little medical drama, and now I'm convinced that I am gonna come down with acute intermittent porphyria, just like Sela Ward's new man. And then I'll end up paralyzed, epileptic and stuck with some bitter tool of a doctor genius who wants me to die just so my Sela-equivalent will suffer for sticking him with a bum leg, like a hundred years ago. Great. Thanks, everyone. As if dealing with my HMO isn't bad enough. Oh, and to make things worse, I think my already-addictive personality is full-blown hooked on Hugh Laurie's nasty Mike Brady in a lab coat, which does me a load of good now that the season's over. Though I could really do without the grisly needle stuff, the extreme close-ups of spastic innards and Cameron's tragic realization that House was capable of loving someone, just not her. Mostly because that's going to make things very awkward when Sela and her "I'm still not over you" moony eyes join the hospital staff next fall. Good thing Dr. Feelbad snagged those illegal pills. He's gonna need 'em. Hell, we all will. DJH
Hurley quietly stared at the pirate ship docked miles inland and asked, "How exactly does something like this happen?" And the crazy French lady glared and snidely replied, "Are you on the same island as I am?" It's about time, after more than a month, that someone start analyzing and talking about the wacky happenings on Mystery Island. And dude, if I were Hurley and saw those numbers, you couldn't have gotten me anywhere near that open hatch leading to Hell or Atlantis or some weird mummy dust or whatever. I would have taken off in the other direction as fast as my chubby legs would carry me. Though Hurley did have the best line of the night when he told Jack, "You've got some Arzt on you." Was anyone shocked that the know-it-all science guy was offed? He was totally expendable. But seriously, I did jump off my couch when he exploded; thank goodness for the instant replay feature on TiVo. Let's have a moment of rambling for the much-married geeky guy who taught us when to go sailing, exposed all the island cliques, instructed us about the touchy nature of nitroglycerin and griped about the fact that Jin doesn't catch fish for everyone. Too bad he sought a friendly ear in Jinx Boy, who in addition to the clever line, also had the best flashback of the night with his haphazard trip through the airport, which showed off more of the numbers, from the soccer jerseys, to the $1600 bucks he used to borrow some guy's scooter and the diminishing KPH of his car, which started at 15 and then dropped from 8 to 4. I'm very excited that I have more numbers to mull over during the summer hiatus, and if anyone had a nice TV and was able to tell what floor the elevator stopped on, let me know. 'K?
While Hurley and Kate were stuck in the middle of Jack and Locke's tension and testosterone-riddled discussion about whose life philosophy is better, potential concussions were all the rage on the other side of the land of the lost both at the hand of the aforementioned crazy French lady. First she knocked Claire out to steal her baby, and then she set a rock-filled trap that fell on Charlie's head. Good thing Sayid knew that gross trick to cauterize a wound with gunpowder and flames. I've learned so many cool science-y things tonight! Thank goodness little Turniphead, aka Aaron, was found by the happy hobbit and returned to his rightful mother. Just when I start to think that Rousseau really is just crazy, and there are no others; she's just manipulative and for some reason wants Claire's kid, freakin' J.J. Abrams and Co. blow my theories right out of the water with the motley crew of "others" who came after Walt. Now maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake, or just fell victim to some clever misdirection, but I never saw that coming. Sharks, Captain Nemo, the scary cannibalistic squids that I saw on the Discovery channel? Sure all of those possibilities came to mind when I thought of the fate of the rafters, but never that the Others were really after Walt, or that they had a boat. And what do they want with the special boy and his powers to do things like translating those polar bears from Hugo's Spanish comic book into reality? That just can't be good. If Sawyer, Jin and Michael survive the long swim back to shore, I'm sure that the delinquent-turned-doting dad will search that massive (as he was quick to point out) island in search of his missing son. Hopefully he's not some sacrifice for the island's monster. Instead, let's leave that to Locke, who believes that it is his fate to be taken by the unseen creature. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not. At least he finally fessed up to killing Boone; his wackadoodle theories about fate might not fly in the real world, but on this insane island, you just never know. AC
What is with Fox making me cry this week? Last night it was losing the Vonz on Idol. Tonight I'm wet-eyed over, like, everything. First it's Hailey and Jimmy returning for Caleb's funeral. Then, it's the funeral itself, though don't ask me why. He was the devil. After that, Sandy explaining Kirsten's drinking problem to Seth gave me a lump in my throat, which became full-on chin-quivering as soon as the gang whipped out their tough-love for Kiki's "after-school special" intervention. Once she 'fessed up and broke down, forget it. Gone. (Oh, and FYI: Kelly Rowan? Devastating, thank you very much.) Honestly, I barely pulled it together before Marissa shattered into a million pieces and told Summer about Trey's attempted rape. Even the ensuing and horrifyingly brutal beatdown between the Atwood boys had me sort of open-jawed upset, though not as much as the inevitable tragedy of Coop blowing a hole through Trey to save Ryan. Good thing there was the action of Jess the Coke Whore's drug-deal-turned-shootout at the Bait Shop. We needed the jolt just to break up all those raw emotions. But that's the beauty of Josh Schwartz's writing. He respects his characters' histories, so we don't just get random, out-of-the-blue dramas that scream "SEASON FINALE!" We get moments jammed with resonance: Summer seeing her addict stepmother in Kirsten's boozy mess at the wake, Ryan risking the last year of being a good boy to teach his scuzzbag brother a lesson and Julie realizing that Jimmy was the best thing to happen to her. And mentioning Caitlin! Whoo-hoo! Of course, how all of this plays out will have to wait until next season, so until then, let's all say a little prayer that Kiki makes friends with Bill W. at that rehab and that Marissa makes bail over the summer. After all, they'll probably want to be around when Theresa the 40-year-old teenager finally turns up with that damn kid of hers. 'Cause you know that's coming, right? DJH
No way! Did you see that coming? The gihugantic element that plowed into Smallville? So cool! I figured they would use the blow-out finale to wrap up the mystical crystal story line, but this? Forget about it. Ya got special effects out the wazoo, Lana shanking Genevieve, Jor-El barking at Clark about following his destiny, Jason pulling a Desperate Hours on a surprisingly heroic Jonathan and Martha and meteors turning the whole damn place into The Day After with prettier survivors. Oh, and lest we forget, it looks like the three stones are like, the key to the Fortress of Solitude or something. I mean, hello! The trumpet-soaked Superman-y music after Clark was zapped from the cave to the Arctic? Total foreshadowing. As for the Teagues, we'll miss you, Jane Seymour. It was a hoot. And yes, you guys were right: Jason survived Lionel's bullet last week, though I'm pretty sure he won't be walking out of the Kents' now that the farm has, well... bought the farm. Besides, WB is already running ads for Jensen Ackles' new fall series, so it's a safe bet he's a goner this time. Lionel, I'm not so sure about. He seems pretty out of it right now, but if Lana can survive that helicopter crash, old man Luthor could be up and running by September, right? If he is, Lex is in for a world of trouble. And somehow, I'm guessing his little romantic confession to Miss On-the-Lam Lang is going to make things easier. Though if Lois tracks down her sister in Europe and decides to come back, we could have an interesting love triangle. Then you throw in Lex, maybe Chloe... oh, man, it's going to be a long summer. DJH
Star Trek: Enterprise
I've been a Trek fan since the early days of The Next Generation, so it's gonna be a little weird not to be able to tune into the universe Gene Roddenberry created. Let's face it, though, Enterprise had its problems. And if this were the end of Season 2, I would've been pretty fine saying "Take care!" to this series. But dammit, somehow executive producer Manny Coto did indeed turn this sucker around. What a shame. If Season 4 had occurred two years earlier, there'd likely be three more seasons to go at this point. But since time travel doesn't actually exist (I think), we can't go back and change the past, and thus, the final two episodes aired on Friday.
"Terra Prime," the first, was indicative of the improved state of Enterprise. No doubt that Starfleet and alien integration would survive, but especially since this was the end the fate of Trip and T'Pol's baby was compelling (and heartbreaking) to watch. Also, I'd like to add, Trip's a real guy's guy, but damn if he can't bawl with the best of 'em.
The sudden promise of Trip and T'Pol's relationship made the finale itself all the more tragic to watch. That renewed hope was quickly supplanted by a sense of profound loss when we found that not only had they wasted six years apart, but Trip was going to die soon. Like many fans, I thought, "If they have to kill someone off, why did it have to be good ol' Trip?" Think about it, though would anyone but Anthony Montgomery's family have cared if Travis had accidentally been flushed into space?
As for the rest, while it gave me an initial jump (of joy) to see TNG's flagship again, the contrived premise just didn't work. Who gives a crap about the friggin' Pegasus? Way too much emphasis on Riker and Troi, who did look good, but who are we kidding? Anyway, on the trivial side, Trek's long-term production team got some cameos, including staffer Dawn Velazquez in the dead crew manifest of the Pegasus, and associate producer Dave "Suspicious Diet Coke Can" Rossi as "the guy sitting behind Reed and the others at the ceremony."
So, for the present, we say goodbye to Star Trek. But have no fear, just like the future, a new incarnation of the Great Bird's dream will inevitably be here soon. DS
OK, quick recap of the night: Love, love Coby and think he'll be the cutest daddy ever, Ian is either really dumb or completely crazy and Tom won. Yeah, big surprise there. Let's tackle the Ian thing first. I realize that he was trying to do the nice thing but, dude, this is Survivor, not playtime at the petting zoo; you had to know going in that you might tick off one or two people. After he took down cute little Jenn in the immunity challenge at tribal council, I thought for sure he was going to be in the final two, and I honestly think he would have had a chance against Tom if he'd just hung in there on that bouncing buoy a little bit longer. (I would have been seasick in 11 minutes and never lasted close to 12 hours.) I was hoping that all that bobbing just made him delusional. And while I was sitting in the live audience during the finale, I watched closely and didn't notice him kicking himself with those long gangly legs at any point. Basically, he gave it to Tom by asking him to take Katie. That nice gesture just put a million buckaroos in Tom's pocket. Not that Tom didn't deserve to win he took home almost every immunity and basically tried to be a nice guy, but having Katie next to him was just a gimme. Besides his slightly chauvinistic attitude nice job Jenn for bringing that up he pretty much played an honest game. Katie played the slackers game nice job, um, everyone else for pointing that out and didn't really deserve the cash. Even nice-guy Gregg joined the picking-on-Katie game, though he later apologized. See, Ian, there's the lesson: It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. Which shouldn't have been a hard concept to grasp for someone who so easily joked that Tom was three times older than him. Nice one. Good thing the new millionaire can take a joke, otherwise the 41-year-old firefighter could've easily taken down that smart-alecky 23-year-old.
Anyway, the best part of the whole three-hour show was Coby. From his "Don't Hate" T-shirt, to his out-of-control facial expressions to the news that he adopted a baby and named it Janu. Well chances are this adorable little infant will at least have great hair if her daddy has anything to say about it. And judging by the roar of the crowd anytime his face hit the screen, I think he has a few people out there who might have already started knitting him some baby booties. The only person who got more applause aside from Tom was my fave, Steph. So many people seem to agree with me that She-Ra rocked and looked great doing it.
Also, loved that Jeff Probst who really did seem to egg people on more this season brought up the fact that it seemed like he'd coerced Janu into quitting. Coby's baby's namesake said that wasn't the case at all, but at least it was nice to see that Jeff is aware of public opinion. Someone who is not aware? Wanda, who decided to appease her fans with another tune. I just wanted to hide under my chair until it was over. Which is what Jeff W. and Gregg looked like they wanted to do when asked how their island romances with Kim and Jenn had been fairing since leaving "Rat Island." Doesn't seem like Rob and Amber have to worry about another set of Survivor sweeties stealing their spotlight anytime soon. Oh, and on a random side note, I feel for the poor production person who had to swim back down and retrieve all those torches so that they could be auctioned off for charity. AC
Scene: Two people and a cat sitting on a big squishy living-room couch in suburban New Jersey, all staring intently at the TV at approximately 9:40 pm/ET on Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Angel: [Says nothing just sits in front of television with jaw agape, in stunned silence.]
Steve: I told you that he was bad weeks ago.
Angel: OK, fine. I didn't believe you, and I'm still skeptical.
[15 minutes later]
Angel: OK, you were right. I so didn't pick up on any clues, even when I talked to the seemingly nice Harry Hamlin a month ago.
Things I learned tonight: It is valuable to listen to one's husband once and a while. And never trust actors. They are paid to act and therefore lie, and in the case of this show, they are really excellent liars. Though I guess maybe I should have interpreted "I'll be in all the remaining episodes" as, "You may think that I'm just a badass dad, but I'm the psycho killer Veronica's been looking for all season. And in the finale, I'm going to try to flame-broil the nosy chick when she finds out that I was having an affair with Lilly and beat her brains in with a decorative piece of outdoor furnishings." Yeah, I probably wouldn't have believed him then either. I can't even quite wrap my head around it now, as I just saw Mr. Hamlin and his lovely wife, Lisa (oh yeah still alive), sitting happily in the audience at American Idol an hour beforehand. Weird timing.
Anyway, Neptune's little V. solved the rocking murder mystery and looked way more adorable undercover than Sydney Bristow. (Go, Kristen Bell, you had me in tears when you were trapped in the fridge!) But many, many, many, many questions remain. Like, who is at the door? Logan? Duncan? Weevil? Wallace? Deputy Leo? And will the pint-size P.I. spend next season chasing down her drunk-ass mother who robbed the teen's college fund twice? Even if Logan is at the door pretty please! he's gonna be messed up after his run-in with Weevil, having Veronica rip out his heart and then facing the fact that his abusive dad killed one of his girlfriends and tried to barbeque the other. Are these writers trying to kill me by making me wait a whole summer to see more? Probably, since between their witty dialogue skills and the well-oiled cast, this show has already made my heart stop and stunned me into silence (which is a pretty shocking thing).
At least a few little details got tied up in a pretty bow. Like the sweet little love fest that Veronica had with P.I. Daddy when she discovered that he really was her own flesh and blood. Aww, Enrico, that scene made me so glad that you were rescued from the Just Shoot Me world. Veronica easing Duncan's guilty conscience with the fact that they were NOT related see, that one I guessed! And the video-taping scam was Aaron's and not Logan's figured that one out, too! Also, loved Veronica's selfless act in reconnecting Wallace's mom with her dad. After all the tension and trauma, those scenes that looked like they were heading toward I Know What You Did Last Summer/everyone-ends-up-dead territory, it was refreshing to have a little bit of lovin' for someone. Meanwhile, I'm going to spend my summer brushing up on my sleuthing abilities to see if I can figure out what direction the writers are going to take next, and also who sang that that perfectly suited song about, "something special for my bad boyfriend," that played when Logan and Veronica (or LoVe as one of our loyal readers called them) were chatting by the lockers. AC
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