Betty Cooper (Lili Reinhart), you are in trouble, young lady.
Listen, we expect Riverdale's resident redheaded hottie Archie (KJ Apa) to make some bonehead decisions. He gets all amped up on his testosterone and misplaced good intentions and starts making vigilante advertisements that could also be gay dungeon porn clips — but you're the smart one, Betty. You're our moral center and the logical one of the core group. But you're messing up and we need you to stop.
We get it. Things are stressful right now. You were fighting with your BFF Kevin (Casey Cott), and Juggy (Cole Sprouse) — do you mind if we call him Juggy? — is going to a different school. That's a lot, but you've misplaced your common sense and you need to get it back. We hate to sound like your mom, Alice (Madchen Amick), but let's review where you went wrong this week in hopes we can get things back on track.
1. You touched the Black Hood's Letter: You're checking the Blue & Gold's mail and there's a plain envelope with your name written on it in all block letters. That's weird, Betty. Be careful of that. We get that you needed to open it just in case it was next month's lunch menu for the ad pages, but once you figured out it was a delivery from the town serial killer, DROP THE PACKAGE. There are these things called fingerprints that are pretty crucial to investigations when trying to convict someone for crimes. You'd expect someone who checked out Nancy Drew's Source Code book religiously as a child to know that.
2. You didn't tell the police: Okay, you were too busy reading the letter to think about the fingerprints. Maybe we can let that slide, but tell the police. GIRL. This guy is strangling people with cello bows. He shot your best friend's dad point blank in the chest. This is not amateur hour and you cannot withhold that level of evidence because you're afraid your mom is going to keep you from investigating with your friends. Hello, that is what any responsible parent would do when they find out a serial killer is claiming their daughter is his muse. Help the Riverdale police help you instead of worrying about solving the case yourself. If this were a real horror movie, you'd be dead right now.
3. You didn't tell your boyfriend: We are not letting the not telling the police thing go, but if you insist on being an arrogant teenager about all of this, tell your boyfriend. No, him being weird about sitting with the Serpents at lunch and hanging out with another girl is not a good enough reason to keep this a secret from one of the only people that can legitimately protect you from this killer (we imagine that's one of the perks of dating Southside Serpent royalty). Keeping that kind of secret from him is just creating tension that the two of you don't need. You are going to have to be able to trust each other as the town spirals out of control so quit shutting him out.
4. Pulling the fire alarm as everyone watches: This just wasn't smooth. You ran into town hall yelling about how a serial killer was on his way and as everyone watched you just walked over and pulled the fire alarm. Are we really supposed to believe no one saw that? The mayor was trying to stop a panic and you just strolled over and pulled it like, "Okay everyone, bye!" Isn't pulling a fire alarm when there's no fire a crime? Betty, come on. At least go outside the main meeting hall and pull the alarm in the hallway so the entire town isn't actively staring at you while you do it. You are allegedly at the top of your class!
5. Answering an unknown number: Betty, what kind of teenager are you? Who answers a call from an unknown number? This is a small town so you have every important cell phone number. If it was really one of your friends they would text you because, duh. And if it really is important they'll leave a voicemail for you to listen to at your convenience. That's how you avoid telemarketers or getting guilted into signing up for a Greenpeace account. Or, in your case, it's how you avoid having a little chit-chat with the man killing sinners in your name. Your next call better be to your cell phone service carrier to get a transcript of that call or else what are you doing? What are you doing, Betty?
You are now officially the key to figuring out who the Black Hood is, which means you are essential to solving this mystery, Betty Cooper. We can't do this without you and that means you need to get your head in the game and start making smarter decisions. You know better, so do better. We are rooting for you.
Riverdale continues Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW.
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