Question: Why do you suck so hard? You can't hold a candle to Matt Roush. Monkeys could do your pathetic job (if you can call it that). Do us a favor and kill yourself. — Phil, N.D.

Televisionary: Not true. I've held a candle to Matt on several occasions, but nowadays he has only to hear me strike the match and he's off like a shot. The man's got wheels for feet, I tell you.