The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular I used to watch this show with my grandmother when I spent Christmas break with my grandparents, but I forgot just how surreal it is: the ancient host, the sequin-clad hostesses, the rabid contestants, the insane prizes. But I'll say one thing about tonight's prime-time salute to the members of our armed forces: There's something about a man in uniform — even if he is on a game show largely based on supermarket-shopping knowledge (although I want to know where in the world a bottle of Tylenol costs $9). And while Bob Barker is certainly a TV legend, I just couldn't help hearing Dr. Evil's voice every time Barker told a contestant he was going to have a chance at winning one meel-yon dohl-lars.

Top 10 Quotes from A Christmas Story (other than "You'll shoot your eye out!"): 10. "In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan." 9. "It was... soap... poisoning!" 8. "He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny." 7. "Randy lay there like a slug; it was his only defense." 6. "Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!" 5. "I triple-dog-dare ya!" 4. "Meatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf." 3. "I like The Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man." 2. "NOTTAFINGA!" 1. "Fra-gee-lay. It must be Italian."

CSI First of all, I really did not care for this episode about four conscienceless teens who brutally murder a former friend because he cleaned up his act and didn't hang out with them anymore. Second, the subplot about the woman killed by a stray bullet reminded me of something I often wonder: What happens to the bullets fired by the hunters whose trucks are always parked on the highway shoulder? Is there a secret commuter season only hunters know about? And finally, I don't know which was weirder: the second show of the evening to feature a victimized watermelon (Tru Calling was the first) or 90210's Brian A. Green's attempt to look manly in a wife-beater. Honey, you can abbreviate your middle name and play all the sullen construction workers you want; you'll always be David Silver.

Extreme Makeover I'm sorry, I can only watch about 30 minutes of this hourlong reality show: the first 15 minutes, to get the subjects' stories and see their befores, and the last 15, to see their afters and reunions with friends and family. I understand that it's important for the audience to witness all of the pain and hard work these folks are willing to undergo to improve themselves physically and emotionally, but I personally don't consider graphic footage of medical procedures and recovery periods appropriate (or enjoyable) prime-time fare.

Without a Trace Note to self: Do not attend high-school reunion. Ever. Sure, I'm not a married expectant father having a homosexual affair with my boss (D.W. Moffett) whose wife (Sheryl Lee) is willing to murder me to save her family's reputation, but I did get the lead in the school musical my junior year. Seriously, though, despite the superb actors, I sometimes have a hard time understanding why this show and the CSIs are so popular when their subject matter is so dark week after week. I'm not looking for guffaws galore, but if it weren't for Survivor, CBS on Thursdays could stand for Consistent Bummer Source.

Best Buy commercial Maybe it's me, but aren't those Joey Tribbiani's parents shopping for holiday electronics?

Barefoot Contessa Holiday Ina Garten's somewhat pretentious moniker initially evoked a subconscious vision of a Martha Stewart acolyte, but I was pleasantly surprised: She decorates with artichokes! She uses prepared horseradish! She helps the raspberry topping drip down the side of the cheesecake! She claims her own personal bottle of bubbly at brunch! She might have gone a bit overboard with the caviar, but at least she didn't buy it (it was a gift).

Volkswagen Passat commercial Usually, I'm tickled when my name turns up infrequently in pop-culture references (Kenny Rogers's "Coward of the County" and a Sean Paul song), but the "When you meet Becky, run" directive issued by a guy's future self doesn't exactly inspire self-confidence. What, does someone from high school work for Volkswagen?