Performing As Loved the winner;...

Performing As
Loved the winner; you know, that spooky-good Frank Sinatra impersonator. The Faith Hill wannabe was okay, too. But everyone else sounded screechy as howler monkeys. Still, I have to hand it to the faux Cher, Lisa Cash. She did "Turn Back Time," complete with guys in sailor outfits and a tamed-down-for-broadcast-TV version of Cher's black, see-through outfit from her music video. By the way, I only remember Cash's name because she sounds like a Las Vegas lounge singer. Speaking of Vegas, there's about 100 drag queens there who could do Cher way better. Of course, if Fox let crossdressers compete, they'd blow the regular Joes out of the water.

Whoopi
The Whoopster goes way over the top in a fit of claustrophobia. Eh, maybe this is gonna be one of those hit or miss sitcoms. Giggle-inducing one week, so-so the next.

Big Brother 4
Three housemates are left. But I can't believe all the hotties have been voted off! If this is a reality soap, CBS oughta call this The Ugly and the Obnoxious. And why do they have Jun hanging out with the mime? Nothing on this show ever makes sense. Click.

The Real World: Paris
Weird. Adam looks exactly like Howard Stern's radio show producer, Gary, aka "Bababooey"! That said, those pretty Paris locations aside, this show's petty squabbling is a bore compared to the high drama (and sexier people) on The O.C.

Primetime Live
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter was understandably shelved this week. Instead, Diane Sawyer interviewed the cast about the sudden death of series star John Ritter. I felt sorry for poor Katey Segal, forced to offer on-camera soundbytes about this tragedy, just days after her co-star died on the set. I also felt sorry for these folks because ABC actually wants the show to go on without Ritter. The linchpin of this sitcom is the hand-wringing dad, watching and worrying over his kids like in Father of the Bride. Face it. You got no dad, you got no show.

The O.C.
Each week, Peter Gallagher's Beatle bangs haircut fights for attention with his overgrown eyebrows. So far, the brows are winning. And what's up with Kelly Rowan's Valley of the Dolls hairdo? Speaking of Dolls: I was so sick of doe-eyed, pouty Marisa — until she turned to pills and booze Patty Duke-style. I'm talkin' passed out in an alley like a modern-day Neely O'Hara! And love her best friend, that snotty, slutty Summer. Here's her advice to Marisa on how to deal with losing her virginity: "Kind of a letdown, right? Hurt, huh? Get right back up on that horse! Giddyap!" I can't believe Fox is benching this hit until October for baseball playoffs. Are they insane? Like, how will I cope? (Dude, all I can say is, thank God they put that 1-800-SUICIDE number up at the end of the episode.)

Got Chocolate Milk?
A supermarket checker screams "Price check!" She keeps scanning a bottle of chocolate milk, again and again and again. You know, commercials with lotsa loud, annoying noise don't attract me to a product, they alienate me from it. And that new "Shake stuff up" slogan? Stupid.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
"Culture vulture" Jai Rodriguez used to have the girliest voice. Well, he still does. But you can totally tell he's trying to butch it up!

Nip/Tuck
Last week, I didn't like John Hensley's eyebrows. This week, I'm thinkin' this kid needs his teeth straightened. Maybe I'm just getting carried away with the show's cosmetic surgery theme? Anyway, I'm bored with this week's Catholic priest molestation plotline, and the story about the Christian Scientist who won't let an MD cure her daughter's blindness. For godsakes, this is FX, not Lifetime. Nip/Tuck should stick to what it does best: Orgies and genital augmentation!