Pepsi SmashLook at Alanis Morissette,...

Pepsi Smash Look at Alanis Morissette, all grown up! And I love the hair. That Rapunzel look never really worked in my opinion, anyway. And I'm digging her new sound and song, "Everything." She's still a little hard to understand (after all, she is Canadian), but the lyrics go something like, "You see everything/You see every part/You see something something/And you love my dog." That's brilliant! Although I wish she had a cat so I could identify with her even more. Oh, wait. I googled the lyrics and it turns out it's actually "You see all my light/And you love my dark," but I'll never be able to get dog out of my head. And I really like that Maroon 5 song and I thought that the lead singer was pretty cute (like a peppier Chris Martin)— until I saw his Lakers jersey. Ugh.

Come to Papa Tonight's big jokes revolved around overweight kids, hobos and "female problems." The only thing remotely redeeming about this episode was a reference to the Gas 'n' Sip, which reminded me of the scene in Say Anything where John Cusack's Lloyd Dobbler is commiserating with his buddies after being dumped by the incredibly wooden Ione Skye: "If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beer with no women anywhere?" God bless you, Cameron Crowe, for rescuing me from this mess.

MTV Movie Awards Given that this is MTV, it only makes sense that the best parts of this irreverent movie awards show were the music performances. The Beastie Boys, despite being alarmingly gray-haired (Mike D was smart enough to keep his signature baseball cap on), rocked! I don't know who the heck the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are, but the lead singer could be the offspring of Bjork and Chrissy Hynde. I couldn't understand a word she was singing, but who cares? The band is playing in the middle of an Alice in Wonderland sized tulip field, complete with grass and what looks like large floating pollen particles (why isn't she choking on that stuff?). And while I don't really care for Eminem the persona, I have liked some of his songs (sorry, Mom) and I thought tonight's performance was really entertaining, especially since he and D12 came out dressed like Axl Rose, Slash, George Clinton and Angus Young. I just can't figure out who the masked man with a KFC chicken bucket on his head is.

That said, here are a few random observations:

Those CGI transitions set in a mental hospital were about as scary as Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital.

Host Lindsay Lohan changed outfits 8 times. I only liked one of them.

Was I the only one freaked out by that little green gremlin man in the podium?

Will Ferrell's Ron Burgundy character comes off as a hybrid of James Lipton and Jiminy Glick. But his "interview" with Jim Caviezel, in which he insisted on calling Caviezel Jesus Christ, was hilarious.

Oddly, Paris Hilton smooches her pooch, Tinkerbell, on the lips all the time, but she'll only kiss Snoop Dogg on the cheek.

Speaking of kisses, when the Best Kiss trophy is awarded to the Starsky & Hutch threesome, the cameras suddenly cut to Jamie Foxx and his preteen daughter. Jamie, you got some 'splainin' to do...

Matthew Perry ogles Kate Hudson's rear and the cameras cut to &#252ber-Catholic Caviezel.

Uma Thurman's microphone is too low. I call this "Crouching Uma, Fired Sound Guy."

Lohan's win for Breakthrough Female Performance (as well as Hugh Jackman's win at the Tonys on Sunday) could signal a new trend for awards shows to employ for may securing hosts: Give them a trophy for something.

Jack Black thanks his young School of Rock costars by saying, "You kicked a lot of ass."

Choose or Lose 2004 Commercial The tagline for MTV's election campaign is "Vote for Explicit Lyrics." Um, isn't this the same network that just bleeped expletives during Eminem's performance at the Movie Awards?

101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets Here's what irks me about the subject matter of some of E!'s programs. No. 18 on this list of celebrity secrets is what will never be known about what went on behind the scenes in the tempestuous relationship of the late John F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife, Carolyn Bessette. Just like the True Hollywood Stories on the murders of JonBenet Ramsey and Laci Peterson, I don't get the Tinseltown connection to these tragedies. You know why? There isn't one! Although JFK Jr. and Carolyn were public figures because they were Kennedys, they, like Ramsey and Peterson, weren't movie or TV stars — the couple lived in NYC, for crying out loud! Don't get me wrong. I love celebrity gossip as much as anyone else, but there's a difference between fluffy fun like US Weekly and tacky tabloids like the National Enquirer.

Daily Show with Jon Stewart Call me catty, but how much did I love watching Stewart chew up and spit out former Party of Fiver and current Garfield star Jennifer Love Hewitt? Honestly, she should have known that he was going to bat her around like a ball of string before going for the jugular. At first he gently poked her about her peculiar pet project, asking her, "Garfield was very popular in the '80s and then not so much. When did they think, 'You know who would be good in a movie? Garfield.' Did they call you about [doing] it in the '80s?" The perpetually perky Hewitt giggled it off but you could tell just by looking at her that her radar was up. Too bad it didn't prepare her for Stewart's ensuing observation about Bill Murray, who provides the voice of the animated fat cat: "Bill Murray must be some kind of crazy whore for cash." Love was basically left speechless, except to incredulously ask her host, "Does that make me a crazy whore for money, too?... This was lovely, by the way." That it was.