OK, y'all. I'm just going to put...

OK, y'all. I'm just going to put it out there. There is nothing on tonight. I know in TV Guide-land saying that is a sacrilege, but it's the truth. The only reason I'm channel surfing is because I have to watch something while I wrap gifts. (That, and well, it's my how-cool-is-this? job.) With that said, here goes...
King of the Jungle Winner's Special
Tonight, Animal Planet's newly crowned Queen of the Jungle Kelly Diedring gets her just reward: To host a prime-time special about the American alligator and the Nile crocodile. Kelly beat 11 other animal lovers to win this Survivor-esque competition. And having caught a few of the entertaining episodes of King of the Jungle, I say, more power to her.
But (and there always is one) though making this special was a prize for Kelly, it's punishment for us. Hate to knock a girl. Especially a 23-year-old zookeeper who waded in alligator-filled mudpits, mingled with poisonous snakes and hung from trees to win this thing. But, dang, can't she tone down the B-movie actress antics just a bit? Oh, the wide-eyed awe. Oh, the fake surprise. Oh, the stage whispers and awkward emphasis on the wrong words. ("The wildebeest and zebras have gathered near the river.") Why is Fear Factor — and every other show I normally watch tonight — a repeat?
Threat Matrix
New night. Same old paranoia. Should I really be watching this when our country's on Orange Alert? Shoot. I'm already worried that these gifts I'm wrapping will look suspicious in my suitcase and get me "detained" at the airport by the TSA. Seriously.
Quote of the Night: "One good piece of information is worth a thousand bombs."
Vocab of the Night: The Noriega A CIA pre-interrogation technique whereby agents blast loud rock and roll music around the clock to annoy their suspects, disrupt their sleep pattern and musically headbang them into submission. Homeland security cop Frankie Kilmer used this (and two other "techniques") in tonight's episode to break down a suspected terrorist being held at Guantanamo Bay. It worked. Dazed, malnourished and confused, the man just up and died during interrogation. Which of course, lands Frankie in jail, making her an enemy of the country for the rest of the episode. Hmmmm. Somebody's been taking notes from Jack Bauer over at 24's CTU.
The Neighborhood Commercial
Speaking of Jack Bauer, Kiefer Sutherland does his Phonebooth voice in this new MCI spot. Have you seen it? It's the one where Michael McDonald sings "Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing" as family snapshots flash onscreen. It's a warm-fuzzy moment until you hear Sutherland say in his creepy-calm voice "get the real thing all the time." Or what? You'll blow the lid off CTU?
In Search of Christmas
Maybe it's because I'm reading Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code right now, but I suspect the Priory of Sion might be behind this History Channel documentary. Why else would the narrator ask "If Mary was not a virgin and God was not the father of Jesus, who was?" Don't write me angry letters, people. I believe. It's some of scholars in this documentary who, among other things suggest that Joseph might have done a not-so-immaculate deed or that Mary was raped by a Roman soldier named Tiberius Julius Abdes Panthera. Oh, there's a lot going on in this documentary. But saying more might get me in trouble. So... where's my remote?
Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica
Ah, Nick and Jessica — aka the young, gifted and wack marathon. Click.
Penn & Teller: Bull(bleep)!
And Rochell surfs into even more controversy! According to Showtime's smart aleck odd couple, most of the laws city governments use to ban smoking inside public places are based on a 1973 Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) study that erroneously determined that secondhand smoke kills. "They faked it. And people bought it," Penn says (or is it Teller?!). So, let me get this straight: The surgeon general, the American Lung Association, the American Cancer Society and the American Heart Association are all wrong? "Freedom is more important than our comfort," says Penn. The Tall One Who Talks. Yeah. Um. I can't even.
Love Chain: Sandra Bullock
The folks at E! just had to go and point out that Sandra Bullock is "almost 40 and unmarried." Thanks. If she can't get a man, there's no hope for the rest of us. Click.
Unfaithful
What I wouldn't give to be Diane Lane's character for those few minutes where her girlfriends are sitting at the table lusting over the guy she just got close to in the bathroom. Mmmmm, Olivier Martinez. Wait. Let's sit here for a minute. Just for the coffee shop scene. Yeah. Hold on...
NCAA Gymnastics
OK. College gymnasts get no respect. ESPN2 was supposed to air an NCAA women's gymnastic's competition tonight at 11/ET. That's what it says in the Guide. But what do they actually air? The umpteenth repeat of the 2003 World Gymnastics Championships women's individual event finals. Do they think we won't notice? I mean, come on. I'm having flashbacks of the past three times Trio said it would air Terence Trent D'Arby's 1998 Vibrator tour concert special but actually ran a repeat of his 1980s Hardline show. Whoa. I've said too much. I need to get out more.
The Hoverround Wheelchair Commercial
I hate that I noticed this but... that woman standing on the motorized Hover wheelchair, hula hooping... (I'm not kidding!)... looks exactly like the Russian woman who hula hooped at the News Corp. holiday party. And I'm not even going to discuss why a unitard-wearing woman, standing on a wheelchair hula hooping supposedly sells chairs or why Murdoch's event planners hired a hula-hooper for our party.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Love Dark Angel's Jessica Alba. But, um, why did Jay give her 10 minutes of air time three weeks after her dance flick Honey came out? Did some other star cancel their couch time? Or, wait, is this a repeat, too? Drats.