OK, is Bree's son gay? Or was he lying the same way ABC did with their promos for this "surprising new Housewives"? Because I don't trust either. Nor should any of us after an hour so shock-anemic that Susan's totally uncharacteristic decision to buy Zach out of town and away from the chronically underused Mike almost passed for plot development. And don't even get me started on all the sex gags. We all know I'm no prude, but really, having Andrew describe the sound of his own mother's climax to tick off creepy George is just tacky, and the Solis' battle to win a conjugal visit felt forced, like the whole thing was cooked up to introduce the horny new lawyer headed for Gaby's bed. (Welcome back, Adrian Pasdar. Good luck with that one). At least Lynette finally got some stuff worthy of Felicity Huffman. Though again, I refuse to accept that our working mama's parenting skills are so schizo that her answer to Parker's separation anxiety would involve feeding him a line about a handless orphan in need of his imaginary nanny's services. God knows how she'll handle the post-traumatic stress he's sure to suffer after seeing that trash truck crush Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella. Probably give him a scotch and a handful of her ADD pills. Which we're all going to need if the writers don't pull it together, realize that they keep forgetting about Alfre Woodard and start cooking up some cohesive storylines.
(Disclosure: TV Guide is owned by CBS Interactive, a division of ViacomCBS.)