Guess what's on Comedy Central again tonight. For, like the thousandth time. If I'd known they were going to play this cubicle classic at least once a week, I wouldn't have rented it last year then accidentally left the tape on the train and had to pay $100 to replace it. That's all I'm saying. Well, that and "Where's my stapler?"
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé
OK. I'm just going to put this out there, then I'm gon' change the channel. Steve, the fake fiancé, has nice eyes. (Oooh, yuck. Did I just type that?)
Two and a Half Men
Finally somebody addresses the question of how, since he never seems to actually work or whatever, Charlie the jingle writer can afford to live so well. And I was loving it until Charlie played the mom card. Followed by the wealthy stalker card. Wait, I take that back. Having Rose the Stalker be loaded and having her bail Charlie out, that was kind of brilliant. Now he owes her. And stalker girl just might get some love.
But here's another thing: This show made me realize that I have no friends who are mysteriously wealthy. None. No one in my inner circle could just write a $80,000 check without blinking. $8 maybe. But not a high five figures. Does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Or have The O.C. and all the other money shows tainted my expectations of adult financial life? (Whoa. Did I just channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw? Hmmm.)
What? Is there no such thing as patient-doctor confidentiality in Sin City? I mean, come on. Early in the show, Big Ed snatches Danny's crutch and breaks it over his suspiciously-arthritis-free knee, saying, "I spoke to your doctor. You don't need it." I know that was just the writer's way of getting rid of the thing that was slowing our hero down. But still. What doctor just tells a person's private info like that?
Average Joe: Hawaii
A few things:
1. Poor Brian. How good can this guy be at his homeland security job if he can't even see that the smooches he got on the yacht were pure pity kisses? Our nation is in trouble if he's that blind.
2. It's official. The tides have turned. I no longer want She Who Will Not Be Named to pick any of the Average Joes. If she didn't have the good sense to keep Sean around, then she doesn't deserve them. She deserves a hunk of misogynistic man who loves his reflection and keeps her as the mistress.
3. What do you call a male harem? 'Cause this chick has one. And, I repeat, she doesn't deserve it.
4. Somebody give Theo his SAG card because that boy gave the performance of a lifetime. The tears. The flushed cheeks. The I-feel-for-them speech. Bravo, man. Bravo.
5. Sean has lost 70 pounds since the show taped. What?! Good for him.
Ya'll know this is one of my shows. But Hello! somebody was channeling their inner Baywatch. Talk about an unintentional funny moment. David Caruso doing a slow-mo beach rescue? That's hilarious. But, tell me this: Why would you waste a beach rescue scene on creepy Caruso? And why would you keep hot bod Adam Rodriguez, who was also in that scene, fully clothed? I mean, let's get with the program, people. If Adam is going to run into the water to rescue a damsel or a dude in distress, he needs to take his shirt off. That's proper hero etiquette.
The Ford Freestar Commercial
If you haven't looked at Ford lately, look at CSI: Miami. The show, according to this commercial, is proudly "sponsored by Ford Freestar." Coming soon: A title change. Maybe Ford Freestar presents: CSI: Miami
Out on the Edge
First, let me say that my friend (whose name has been omitted to protect the heterosexual) and I did not mean to end up passing as a lesbian couple during the taping of this Comedy Central show. We thought it was going to be a one-hour Alan Cumming special. It never occurred to us that Cumming would just be the host and that it might be a politically charged show featuring a gay pimp, a band of Bettys and out-and-proud comics. (Not that there was anything wrong with that.) But a few minutes after we sat down in our primo free seats... let's say reality sunk in.
Me: [Looking around at all the unusual number of well-manicured men.] Is it just me or is this a very Queer-Eyed audience?
My friend: I was just going to say that!
Me: So, yeah. It's that kind of Out on the edge.
My friend: Right.
Me: Of course.
My friend: If we're surrounded by men... Of. Course.
Me: If this were a movie, we'd be sitting next to the only straight guys in the room. They'd be all nervous. They'd love us.
My friend: But we're not. I hate everybody.
[A few minutes pass]
Me: Hey, is that camera on us?
And that, folks, is how I ended up on grinnin' like a villain at one of the gayest comedy shows ever. No, Mama, I was not making a political statement. And, no, I did not know I would be on television. Otherwise I would not have showed up with an African beaded necklace wrapped around my happy-to-be-nappy head. OK?
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno
Here's what makes me sad about this show. These kids (and I say "kids" with all due, ahem, respect) darn near kill each other for $10,000 prizes they will have to share with 10 other people. For example: The Real World team turned on Syrus because, at 31, he's "old." Then Julie went crazy and grabbed Veronica's safety harness, trying to make the girl fall 17 flights. Wow. Stuff got ugly right off the bat! The funny thing, though, is that Julie's teammates act surprised. Come on now, people. That Mormon soiled her good girl image a long time ago. And I'm not talking about the time she spent in the RW: New Orleans house.
The Daily Show
That Jon Stewart is something special. Now I see why my friend Janice keeps him as one of the famous white boys in her closet. (My WBITCs are Johnny Depp, John Cusack, and Keanu Reeves but that's story for another time.) I laughed so hard during tonight's episode that I think I earned a couple of Weight Watchers activity points. Teetgate? It's too much. That wins the vocab of the night award.
Teetgate: A tres apropos way to describe the Justin Timberlake-Janet Jackson bodice-ripping incident during the Super Bowl halftime show.