The O.C.
Everybody sing it with me now: California, here we come/ Right back where we started from...
Yeah. You know you miss a show when its theme song hits you like a sickness and you get all slaphappy and stuff. Yep. That's how I'm feeling tonight. That said. Here are the things that tripped me out about the return of The O.C.
1. Marisa: Spiked iced tea. Spiked lattes. Vodka instead of water. Skinny miss has so bungee-jumped off the AA wagon that it's not even funny. And that moment by the pool when she blew up at her mother and just screamed? That was real teen angst right there. Or hunger. Somebody feed that child.
2. Seth: OK. Last time we saw him, Mister-mister was sailing off into the sunset, mad at the world for taking away his friend. Now we find him living in Portland with Luke. Riiiight. If I'd run away like that I'd better drown in the Pacific because my parents would not tolerate me just deciding to live elsewhere. I mean, come on. His father came up to get him and he refused to go home? Rich kids must live in an alternate universe.
3. Nicholas Gonzalez: Hola, mi amor? Yes, "the yard guy" is the boxing doctor from Resurrection Boulevard. And, he's so hot I'm not even going to say anything about that whole Latino gardener stereotype thing. But you know I thought it.
4. Ryan: When he walked through the door at Luke's to do what Sandy could not — uh-uh-uh. Am I the only one who expected the two boys to hug and then was disappointed when they did not? Emotional Retards. Boys.
5. Theresa: I don't know what infuriates me more. That she played the sacrificial lamb when she lied to Ryan and told him she'd lost the baby just to let him off the hook, or that Ryan so eagerly accepted the lie and didn't even go back to console her. Now she's going to raise that baby alone as an uneducated single teenage mom. That's just wrong. And entirely too convenient. (We all know Ryan's going to find out about it later. And there'll be some equally convenient wrap-up.) O.C. writer guys, I expected better from you.
And still, I can't get the theme song out of my head. California (California)/ California-a-a-a-a-a-a/ Here we co-o-o-om-m-m-me-e-e-e!

Ah, Joey. Our favorite Friend is on the way to being on the way to falling in love with his sister's friend Donna. (Yeah, you read that right.) So naturally she's going to break his heart. But on a different note: Joey's neighbor Alex just reminded me of something. Note to self: Learn to properly knot a man's tie. That's a flirty skill every girl should have.

Will & Grace
Oh look. Vince has a hag, too. And it's Charlotte York from Sex and the City. What? Like you weren't thinking the same thing. I love to see my City girls move on but Kristin Davis is playing the same prim-and-proper, goody-two-shoes role, for goodness' sake. Only in bad clothes. I liked the story line, though. Grace seeing through Charlotte's — I mean, Nadine's — hag shell to the tortured woman underneath. She was just looking for love in all the wrong places. It's a hard lesson every hag's gotta learn. You can never have him, honey. He's gay.

The Victoria's Secret Commercial — Again
Tyra Banks and Co. have got push-up bras with no padding and they're ecstatic. Look. I don't mean to pick on Vicky S., but the commercials are annoying me. Underwear has never made me that happy. And I can never find a bra that lifts and supports like that. I feel cheated.

Survivor: Vanuatu
OK. So Twila and Julie stabbed the beastie bunch in the back and sided with their girls to vote off Rory. The corny brothaman went down in a 6-to-4 vote. (Good riddance!) But the thing that got me about it was he almost cried. And I couldn't handle it. When tears welled up in his eyes, I yelled, "Don't let them break you, man!" At first I thought he was tearing up out of relief because Jeff read four votes for Ami in a row. But then his name started popping up and I knew he knew — ah, sweet betrayal. Don't let that tear fall, man. Don't let it. Drop. No. At least the producers gave him a moment to pull it together before his post-elimination interview. Thanks for that.

Vocab Note: Nothing kills a supposedly hip phrase like having a middle-aged white guy say it. So, "off the chain" is officially dead now. Thanks, Sarge. (In case you missed it: He said, "This place is off the chain right now.")

The Survivor Buff Ad
Who buys these things? Really. If you've ever bought one, please e-mail me and tell me what you did with it. No judgment. A girl just needs to know.

North Shore
Puhlease. Don't get excited. I didn't watch it tonight. Couldn't. I mean, what's wrong with people? I know, I've been asking that since the election Tuesday night. But this time I'm talking about the Fox execs. They must hate the folks at North Shore. How else would you explain the fact that they moved this show from Monday to Thursday, placing it opposite three really good shows — CSI, The Apprentice and the soon-to-be-dead Life as We Know It? Seriously. A person can only watch so much in one night.

Life as We Know It
Speaking of a dead show airing... Let's have a moment of silence for this drama. Live fast. Rock hard. Die young.

Five things:
1. [Singing] Who are you?/ Who-who? Who-who? Oh, thank God. This theme song just replaced The O.C. song in my head.
2. Grissom gets too excited over bugs. For real.
3. Go 'head, Aisha Tyler. Not only is "the black girl from Friends" doing this show, I hear she's also going to be on 24 and she's got her own series coming out. Go Aisha! Stay busy!
4. Of course Nick "recognized" the signage from the porn shop. Of. Course.

About tonight's episode in general, I don't think I get it. Let me try to type it out. So two serial killers were taking college coeds. One of them got caught years ago and was sentenced to death. So now, every year, the other one kills on the anniversary of his partner's execution. Except this year, poor night vision made Crazy Killer Guy accidentally grab a fraternity pledge (he blamed Lasik surgery gone awry). Then when Grissom and Co. tracked down his house, Killer Guy turned himself in and made them believe he'd murdered another girl just so he could have the perp interview, draw Grissom a crazy picture, then off himself in the bathroom. Did I get that right? Because something about this seems really wrong. And I'm not just talking about the brilliant way Killer Guy played the CSI crew. (Like puppets, he had them. Like puppets!)

The Apprentice
What's with Donald Trump hooking up his friends with free real estate ads? Mosaic's reward for winning the home-renovation challenge was a helicopter ride out to songwriter Denise Rich's Hampton estate, Swan's Way. Now, I could be wrong, but I could have sworn she was trying to sell that property a few months ago. Tres convenient, no? "It really gives you a taste of what it would be like to be Donald Trump," suck-up Wes said of the reward. "A taste of greatness. A taste of power." Riiight. How about that "reward" left a bad taste in my mouth — just like Raj trying to hit on Robin after getting fired and Stacie J. coming back to work for the people who called her crazy. But at least Raj's so-called player move was funny. ("So Robin, what's your number?" he asked. "Now that I can talk to you.") Trump shilling for his company and his friends and trying to lamely make up for ruining Stacy's reputation? That's just tacky.

I don't know how I feel about doctors telling interns to get 25 patients done in one day or else. Making them race to help sick people like it's an army training exercise. I'm a little uncomfortable with that. I'm also uncomfortable with Abby asking cocky Dr. Ray for help. That man — aka how-the-hell-did-I-get-this-job Shane West — tried to usurp her authority at every turn. Now she's going to owe him one. Bad move. But hey, ladies, we can all learn lessons from Abby's failure. No matter what she did tonight, she couldn't take command of the situation. She didn't speak to patients or the nurses with authority. She didn't act decisively. Not good. Abby, girl, you've got to claim your power. Own it!