The Mystery of Natalie Wood Holy...

The Mystery of Natalie Wood
Holy melodrama! File this next to Mommie Dearest for child abuse. The damage Natalie Wood's — I mean, Natasha Brukalakayou'vegottobekidding
mewiththisnameashviska's — mother does to her in the first hour of this made-for-TV biopic is over the top. Seriously. That kind of abuse takes skill. In the first hour, the controlling Stage Mom From Hell makes sure her child will forever be afraid of water ("Gypsy say you will drown!"), lightning, poisoning, kidnapping, touch and any kind of emotional intimacy. Hello! Mama Wood even refuses to let a doctor tend to her injured child's broken wrist (which heals crooked and literally scars Natalie for life) and tries to pimp her out to Frank Sinatra. ("Maybe if you nice to him, he put you in movie.") Oh, and then she drops the best anti-baby, just-say-no-to-sex one-liners ever: "If you get baby, you die!" she tells Natalie with a thick Russian accent. Or, my favorite: "If you have babies, it the same thing [as] you put yourself in box and bury yourself!"

Fear Factor
Six contestants. Four pairs of tight, low-waisted jeans. Must be an "all-female" Fear Factor — aka Joe Rogan paradise. How original. (That's sarcasm, folks.) Let me change this chan- — Wait! Is she going to let them lock her in a glass coffin and lower her into freezing water? Well, maybe I'll watch this one stunt.

American Idol: Uncut, Uncensored & Untalented
OK. So last week my American Idol-obsessed little sister told me that next season she and her best friend are going to try out for the show. Now, my sister can sing, but she can't sang, if you know what I mean. And the black girls on this show have to bring it. Still, in lieu of discouraging her, I said, "Now, you know that if you're hoping to make the blooper reel, you have to be really bad. Right. You can't be sorta good. Which you are. You've got to stink. And then they just might play you over and over. But you'll be stinking. Can you handle that?" "I know. I know," she said in that way she does when she wants me to shut up. "We just want to do it. It'll be fun. And you never know." OK. So ya'll heard it here first. Next season. Watch out. But on to tonight's blooper episode.... The best thing about this episode: Lonnie Hightower. Yes, he, like Macy Gray, has a weird/annoying voice but at least it's a good one. He should not have been cut at his first audition. (Go, Hightower.) Now let me turn this before they replay William Hung. I had to rewatch his "She Bang" audition for work last week. Can't. Take. Any. More.

Girlfriends
How great is Miss (sing it with me now) "J.I.L.L. S.C.O.T. Teeeeeeeeeee" in the role of Donna Williams? I'm loving her. But there's one thing. Jill-er Donna, girl, let William take pity on you! I mean, come on. You're killing me here. It's so hard to find a good man and you've got one trying to dote on you... Just let it happen. When William said, "I think I've got everything I want. Except a woman to share it with." It was over for me. I was in the fan club, making posters. So, please take it, girl. Take it.

Half & Half
In contrast, how awful is Kathy Griffin in her guest-starring role as the very pregnant Doctor Morgan? I think it's her drag queen aura. It's so distracting. But anyway... Big Dee Dee finally had that baby. It's a boy. She named him "Drew Christian." Question: Am I the only one who thinks that angry pregnant lady in the hall was played by a reporter from Extra or Access Hollywood or something?

Two and a Half Men
First The O.C. had a stalker. Now this show's having the whole guy-who-was-a-girl story line. Yes, folks. Jill has become Bill and I am so disappointed. What's with these new shows going to the gimmick so quickly? I mean, the first season isn't even over yet and Charlie's already finding out that the hot ex-girlfriend who dumped him is now a guy (who's falling for Grandma Harper, no less). I swear, stuff like this used to take longer to happen. Now what are they going to do next season, have the child Charlie never knew he had show up to tell him the love of his life is on death row?

CSI: Miami
It's another kinder, gentler Caruso episode. I can't stomach it. Every time he turns to his brother's baby-by-the-drug-addict-he-was-sticking-while-undercover I think he's going to eat the kid. Sure his words and actions say love and happiness. But his eyes and the way he moves say, "I must have you, my little precious." Feel that? A shiver just went up my spine.

Average Joe: Hawaii
I knew it! Shallow is as shallow does. After the date she had with Brian in Boston, Dragonlady still picked Gil, the 26-year-old hottie construction worker and wannabe actor from Florida. But poor Brian. He really fell for that Evilena. Thank God he didn't let that tear drop, though. Cause she used to date Fabio. No one should have to take sloppy leftovers from that Eurotrash. Not even Gil. Which is probably why he dumped her. (Although we know he just used that as an excuse. Boyfriend was only in it for the clip reel.)

Bringing Down the House
1. Hey, that's the chubby-cheeked kid from Two and a Half Men!
2. Eugene Levy telling Queen Latifah, "You got me straight trippin', boo." It's still funny. No matter how wrong it is.

A Baby Story
"A million dollars does not last long. Especially when Uncle Sam puts his hands on almost half of the money." True words. Still Vecepia Robinson (formerly Towery) won Survivor: Marquesas and wasted no time getting pregnant. That's what I call a woman with a now-I-can-afford-it plan. But this show is so sweet, I'm glad I'm taping it because I need to take it into work tomorrow. There are some things that have to be discussed. Like: The phenomenon of people moving to a new city to start a new life. My cousin did it. And Vecepia did it pre-Survivor (she moved from Alabama to California.) But, really, how does that happen? How do people pick up, sans job, and just go? And, Vecepia met her husband on Yahoo personals. What?! Oh, this must be discussed.