Monday Night

TV-loving brothers and sisters, before we get started this evening, I'd like to have a moment of silence for the Fox show Skin. A slick soap with a Midas touch, it took Shakespearean drama to new heights. Made you love a porn king who was just trying to provide for his family. Made you realize that once you play a redhead skank, you're always a redhead skank. (Hello, Sydney Andrews Mancini Field!) Skin died a premature death last week. Was taken from us before its time. It will be sorely missed. And the remote-hogging congregation says: Amen.

7th Heaven
"Man. She. Is. Really. Bad." Ashlee Simpson said about Lucy Camden's batting skills. Man, that's the pot calling the kettle black. With robotic line delivery like that, I've only got two words for you, Ashlee: Acting. Lessons. Study your craft, girl. It can never hurt.

OK. Y'all know this is my show. But I'm going to take it to a place I rarely go and say I didn't really like this episode. The whole Joan-assuming-Brock-was-going-to-ask-her-to-marry-him thing was too predictable. Even for me. And I am far too willing to play along and live the TV lie. Plus, if Brock had made one more U-turn, I was going to change the channel. For real.

Average Joe
Speaking of TV lies. There's something suspect about Average Joe. Damn them. I like this show. And all I wanted to do was believe in the possibility of average-Joe love. But they had to go and "compensate" Melana and cast suspected actors who cry more than the pledges on Sorority Life. Come on now. I might have let a few tears go, but when jerk-of-the-year Zack broke down after Melana sent Dennis — the 35-year-old, hearing-impaired, I-never-get-the-girl, virgin — packing? Alarm bells went off all over the place. Why do they give the guys' last names on TV? Why does Joe look like the TV geek from Beat the Geeks? Why is Brad clearly crazy? If NBC pulls a Joe Schmo on me, I will never forgive them. NEVER.

BTW: Let's talk about Brad Holcum. Here's a shining, possibly scripted, example of how men and women are truly different. When Melana looked Brad in the eyes and said she's like to go out on a one-on-one date with Tareq, Brad interpreted that as good sign. That means "Brad, I have a connection with you," he said. "If she needs to go out with other people to validate the fact that I'm the one then so be it." Denial. So that's what it looks like.

Alright. Now, just in case this is a legit show and these guys aren't actors: David With The Pretty Eyes, Call me. It's Rochell Thomas at TV Guide. We're listed.

The Black Verizon Wireless Commercial
Um. Yeah. So, white guy's in a black neighborhood, wandering around saying, "Can you hear me now?" I got that. No problem. But then he happens to stop by a group of young urbanites sitting on their stoop jamming to the beat in his head. "Yes, I can hear you," the girl sings. Uh-huh. I'm not even going to touch that. But I will point out that even the narrator is black. Don't ask how I know. I can just hear it in his voice.

A few thoughts about this episode:
1.) The town mechanic is clairaudiant. He's also the homicidal maniac Vernon Schillinger from Oz. Am I the only one a bit freaked out by this?
2.) How much more can the Abbott family take? First Colin dies. Then a depressed Amy steals her aunt's prescription pad and writes an Rx for antidepressants. Now the long-lost sister-aunt doctor is HIV-positive. Hate to say it, but I saw that one coming last week, when Linda wouldn't give blood during the calamity in the coal mine. Omigod. I watched Everwood last week and this week too. Am I turning into a fan of this show?
3.) Once a troublemaker, always a troublemaker. From the brief coming attractions, it looks like next week's bad boy is going to be the same gun-toting guy from The O.C.. You remember the one, the guy who tried to bust a cap in a few rich asses. Oh, juicy.
4.) Quote of the night: "Prodigy would imply youth, while I'm actually an old soul." — Ephram
5.) And one more thing. Amy, girl, next time you decide to break the law. Go for the good stuff. Valium. Sonata. Painkillers. These are worth getting in trouble for. Not Prozac. I'm just sayin'.