Our top moments of the week:
14. Worst Ode to Cops: After The X Factor's judges' panel walks out on 19-year-old Deangelo Wallace's painful audition, he calls them "devil worshippers" and steals a $3,000 mic pack. An uninteresting, low-speed police chase through Kansas City ensues before Deangelo is booked for the theft. We're not sure what's worse: the fact that Deangelo then sings about his arrest ("I'm getting arrested, but I'll be out in a few hours. I get to ride in the front seat! I'm a celebrity!") or that the whole sequence is scored to "Bad Boys."
13. Best Missed Connection: Leslie feels like a very small fish in a very big pond while hobnobbing with her political idols while visiting Ben in Washington, D.C., on Parks and Recreation. She retreats to a coat closet to mope in privacy. Her pity party is interrupted by Sen. John McCain, who is simply trying to retrieve his coat. Without turning around, she rudely rebuffs his offer to help and tells him to go away. "Nosy people have no respect for personal space," she cluelessly tells the camera after he leaves.
12. Most Quacktastic Finish: Sometimes nice guys do finish first. On Big Brother's season finale, nerdy face-kicker Ian triumphs over former champ Dan by arguing that he didn't play dirty. Although Dan did outplay nearly every player, Ian claims he was able to mastermind the game without stabbing everyone in the back. The jury agrees, and Ian wins in a 6-1 vote. While taking his victory lap, he can't help but pay tribute to his alliance, The Quack Pack, by running around the studio audience quacking at everyone. (Even the Chenbot gets in on the fun!) Congrats, Ian! But now we vow to never say "Quack Pack" ever again.
11. Most Scholarly Critique: Remember Adam Scott's brief but awesome rendition of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" in Step Brothers? Apparently, the Parks and Recreation star had a tough time with the scene, he reveals on Conan, thanks to Ice's nonsensical and often contradictory rhymes. To prove his point, Scott whips out the lyrics and offers a line-by-line, in-depth analysis of the poetry of the bard Ice. "A harpoon is a huge ... spear which is the size of, like, a large person," Scott notes. "And it's not something that flows. But he's saying he flows like a harpoon all day and all night." Our only complaint: Scott doesn't get to dissect the whole song.
10. Most Mysterious Cliff-Hanger: Royal Pains' Boris has always been a man of mystery, but in the final moments of the season finale, we get another huge question mark. Hank returns to Boris' estate even though he's supposed to be away for the weekend. On his way in, he spots Boris' "frenemy" Dimitri driving away and looking very suspicious. When Hank spots smoke coming out of the mansion, he attempts to rush inside, but an explosion knocks him off his feet. So was Boris inside? Or did he just want it appear that he was? Do we care?
9. Oddest Birth Ritual: If there's one thing we learned from the Keeping Up with the Kardashians season finale, it's that Kourtney Kardashian is a creature of habit. Watched by not only her beau, Scott Disick, but her entire family, the reality star gives birth to daughter Penelope in the exact same weird way she delivered her son Mason: She reaches down and pulls out the baby herself. We don't think that's what they mean by being a hands-on parent.
8. Best Punishment: After eight seasons of dodging bullets, Nancy's nebulous past finally catches up with her in the series finale of Weeds. Not only has she lost her fourth husband (RIP, Rabbi Dave!), but her sons and Andy tell her it's time for them to live their own lives — without her. There is no recrimination or redemption in their statements, but the ambiguous ending leaves us to wonder if a future of solitude is a poetic punishment or a precious gift. Run, Stevie, run!
7. Biggest Move: The Office season premiere is pretty much business as usual, including for Jim and Pam, who says in her confessional that "nothing interesting is going to happen to us for a long time." Think again! In the final moments of the episode, Jim decides to take a job offer in Philadelphia with a company he helped conceive back in college. It's nice to see Jim so excited, but who is going to put Dwight's stapler in Jell-O after he leaves?
6. Most Killer Twist: On Bones' season premiere, Brennan and her team are able to clear her name and prove that hacktivist-turned-serial killer Christopher Pelant murdered his former guidance counselor in one fell swoop. There's just one problem: After the FBI hauls in the killer, they learn that he's not Christopher Pelant, but an Egyptian citizen who will be extradited and therefore escape prosecution. So where is the real Pelant?
5. Most Tempestuous Dance: Sure, we tuned in to see who would win Season 9 of So You Think You Can Dance, but it's the spectacular opening number, which combines the genius of choreographers Christopher Scott and Sonya Tayeh, that blows us away. The elegant, dark routine features the Top 20 contestants in what appears to be a violent windstorm. Although a wind machine helps ruffle the shadowy costumes, the rest of the illusion owes its impact to clever choreography, the finalists' incredible muscular control (Go, Cyrus!), enthusiastic performance skills and a well-buffed stage. Orchestral, majestic and dramatic, the routine will no doubt be noticed by next year's Emmys.
4. Who's Your Daddy? Award: Ever since he first arrived to help Neal find Ellen's killer on White Collar, Sam has been awfully cagey. And now we finally know why. After Peter discovers that the real Sam Phelps died three years ago of a heart attack, Neal has Sam's DNA checked. The big shocker turns out to be that whoever this guy is, he's actually Neal's father. Maybe we would have seen the resemblance more if he had been wearing a fedora?
3. The Powers That Be Award: By the end of the first episode of Revolution, we thought we had a pretty good grasp on the show's agrarian, post-apocalyptic future, where all forms of power stopped working. That is, until a mysterious woman pulls out a flash drive that makes all the electricity in the immediate area function again. Say what?! She then has an ominous computer chat, implying that there are at least two, perhaps several people, who know why the lights went out — and how to get them to work again. We're officially hooked!
2. Cheesiest Impression: When Coach Sue kicks Brittany off the Cheerios squad on Glee, she's lost without her high pony and her sexy uniform. So in order to stage a comeback just like her idol, Britney Spears, she decides (unwisely) to re-enact the pop queen's lifeless, lip-synched performance of "Gimme More" from the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards. Brittany adds her own flair by munching on Cheetos during her performance. Please, nobody tell the gay sharks about this; they'll be devastated.
1. Most Heartbreaking Discovery: Usually Parenthood waits at least a couple episodes before giving our tear ducts a workout, but not this season. Just a week after Haddie's tearful departure for college, Kristina's world is rocked when her doctor tells her she has breast cancer. For a family that usually can't shut up, it's refreshingly poignant to see that both Kristina's doctor's appointment and the subsequent scene in which she tells Adam are rendered entirely without dialogue — just a manipulative, heart-tugging score, which actually meshed nicely with the sound of our racking sobs.
What were your top moments?