OK, feeling a little ripped off here. What the hell's with not telling us what Kate's crime was? Come on! We sat through an hour of her outback flashbacks and that poor federal marshal laying around gasping like Debra Winger in Terms and we get nada? Uh-uh. Nope. Not cool. Now, what was cool was that eerie final shot of Terry O'Quinn. Obviously, he's hiding something juicy. Nobody should like backgammon that much. Oh, and Sawyer, the hot one sweating his way across a tropical island in two shirts? You know that dude is peddling some rank funk. Get a bath, bud. If the ratings hold up, you're gonna be here a long time.

America's Next Top Model
8:06 Tyra Mail arrives. It's makeover time!
8:07 Cover Girl plug No. 1. Eva and Jennipher weep about getting their hair chopped. House crybaby Ann looks on in jealousy.
8:13 Norelle gets her braces off and spontaneously turns into Ashlee Simpson.
8:15 Amanda's new bottle-blond 'do fills the world in on what actually did happen to Baby Jane.
8:20 Cover Girl plug No. 2. CG model Kiara something or another joins Jay Manuel for the ladies' "get dressed in a limo" challenge. Please. Who doesn't know how to pull on clothes while riding in the back of a Hummer stretch?
8:20.03 I just shared too much, didn't I? Inside voice! Inside voice!
8:36 Cassie combats whispers of bulimia with the stunningly underfed defense that she "doesn't throw up after everything I eat." Oddly, her words may not be one of those meals.
8:39 Amanda cries. Must have passed a mirror. A still-tearless Ann begins looking a bit frenzied.
8:51 Janice Dickinson compares Kelle's before-and-after beauty shots to a Hitchcock film. Which, coming from a psycho, sort of works.
8:55 Julie gets the boot. Nobody seems too upset. Especially me. Seeya!

The Bachelor
Again with the letdown, ABC! Jeesh. All this chatter about "All-Star" bachelorettes storming Ladies' Villa to mix things up and I'm expecting Trash, I mean Trish or maybe pageant-nightmare Kristi. So who do we get? Aaron Buerge castoff Heather from Texas and intense Mary from the icky Bob Guiney's season. Zzzzzzzzz. Thankfully, Krysta the Malignancy was in rare form, swimming nude in a pool that deserves better, bitching about the competition and scaring the nation by appearing on camera without makeup. Take a tip from Top Model, girl. Concealer is your friend. And probably your only one. In the end, we lost Amanda, Kristie, Susie and Heather, as well as all respect for Byron for a) keeping Krysta around for another week and b) not just sending everyone home and settling down with Jayne. Love her!

Jude Law overdose of the night
Yes, he's perfect. Lithe and charming and blah-blah-blah. But the ads for that Sky Captain mess and I Heart Huckabees that have been running a gazillion times in three hours on five different networks are not. So for the love of all that is holy, would someone please... oh, my god, it's an Alfie commercial. Is there no one else working in Hollywood these days?

Kevin Hill
All right. Like I said last week, I adore this new show. Taye Diggs is just too good. So was that killer green shirt he was sporting in the opening scenes. Dag. But does anyone else get the feeling that without him, this would have ended up on Lifetime? Either way, I'm totally into Gina Gershon and her feline hotness as a rocker with crappy mothering chops. Almost makes up for Showgirls. Almost. And splitting them up at the end was a nice touch, very honest. So since we're being honest, I've gotta share that this drama's real secret weapon for me is that little girl. What a little peanut! Let's just hope that she's headed for Olsenville rather than Plato Land, you know? They start young these days.

Burger King ad
Oh, my god! Now I know what my 'Cooler colleague Rochell was wigged out about a few weeks ago! Cripes, what a creepy commercial. I swear, if I woke up to that wooden-faced clown freak, I'd burn the bed faster than Farrah with a shiner. I don't care if he's handing out bacon-laden breakfast monstrosities, that is seriously messed up. What is wrong with people?

Wife Swap
There's some spoiled liberal woman with an awful blond rat's nest crying that she "feels like a slave" because she has to do someone else's housework. Again I ask, what is wrong with people?

Rescue Me
Sean likes Laura. Sean likes Laura. How cute! Sorry, I know that's not a term anyone would ever use to describe this show, but come on. Between all the cursing and crotch-grabbing, it's kind of sweet to see one of the Engine 99 guys finally find someone who's not his girlfriend's kid or Franco's insane ex with the thing for pain. In fact, have you noticed how all the guys have been softening up? In their own knuckle-dragging sort of way, of course. There's Franco not wanting to get it on with his daughter in the house, Tommy's getting Janet her money, despite her questionable reasons and Jerry's heading to Broadway... for a musical about gay puppets, no less! If I didn't know better, I would think the writers were trying to make us care just a wee bit more about the crew in time for next week's big finale. Hmmm. Is that the smoke from the charred 9/11 drink-a-thon banner or do I smell a tragedy cooking?