Never Been Kissed
Hey, it's Tuesday night at 8 here in L.A. Where the hell are my Gilmore Girls? Instead, WB ran this dopey old movie where Drew Barrymore is a reporter posing as a high school student. I was totally annoyed, until I spotted Alias star Michael Vartan — before he was famous! — playing Drew's handsome English teacher. Who knew?

All of Us
Another benefit to Gilmore Girls being off the air this week: I can check out more All of Us on UPN. See? I said I'd watch, even if Will Smith wasn't guest starring. Hey, it says Debbie Allen directed this episode. I'll wager that's partly why it's so funny and yet somehow still classy, even though it's all about sex. Newlyweds Robert and Tia are discretely trying to "get they freak on" with an inquisitive kindergartner in the house, which grown-ups know isn't easy. "Less yackin', more mackin'!" Miss Tia demands. And who can blame her? 'Cause Robert is one hunka burnin' love. By the way, have I mentioned that Tia, Neesee and Jonelle are all fabulous ladies? Even when they're just goofing around, they manage to carry themselves with dignity and style — and their hair always looks good. I'm jealous. In my next life, Lord, let me be a black woman! Please!

Less Than Perfect
I never watch this show, but Joanna Kerns and Valerie Harper guest starring as Andy Dick's lesbian moms? This I had to see. Two things are wrong with this episode: Harper is trying to act "butch." Puh-leeze. It's a little weak. And Kerns was believable as Kirk Cameron's mom on Growing Pains because they were both attractive people. But Kerns as Andy Dick's biological mother? What would she have been smokin' during her pregnancy to produce him in the delivery room? Even so, I liked the whole sitch — the lesbian moms think their son is gay, forcing him to "come out" as hetero at Thanksgiving dinner. Cute. And although Andy Dick and Will Sasso were only "mistaken" for a same-sex couple, they sorta looked right together, didn't they? There was kind of a Geek Boy Meets Bear Daddy thang goin' on there. Hmm...

What's up with tonight's disturbing suicide theme? During a Russian Roulette game in prison, Jack watches an inmate blow his own brains out. Then, Kyle Singer attempts to hang himself! Fortunately, Kyle's sexy blond girlfriend yanked his ass down from the rafters in time. Phew! Don't scare me like that. He's too pretty to die, you know? Choose life, people!

Judging Amy
I like learning new things from TV. It makes me worry less about how else my time ought to be spent. This week on Judging Amy, I learned "rumspringa" is when Amish teens get to experience the outside world. Then, they must choose whether to embrace the Industrial Revolution — like the rest of us did in the 1800s — or stay Amish, rejecting a life of cell phones, cars and indoor plumbing. (Hey, not that I'm judging. Although even if I were judging, it isn't like Amish people are reading about television on the Internet, right? So I'm probably safe.) Anyway, I actually got caught up in Judge Amy's latest child-custody dilemma: Amish girl "rumspringas" her way into the sack with non-Amish boy. They have an oops baby out of wedlock. She wants to reclaim her Amishness and flee techno society, so who gets to keep the kid? Wow, now there's a mess. In the end, the nice non-Amish boy lets Mom and baby stay together, even though it means he may never see 'em again. Damn. Am I a total sap for feeling a little heartbroken over this?

An American Idol Christmas
I hate listening to Christmas music before it's even Thanksgiving Day. Especially when it's bad. "This is one step above karaoke," my pal Troy groaned. "It really is." And for Troy — who's truly the kindest man I know — to call it out, y'all know it's like that. He only speaks truth. Sorry, but there's a reason most of these Idol finalists lost, you know? They ain't all like Clay. Not every one of them is a talented underdog who got the shaft. Some of 'em didn't win because they just plain suck. Happy Holidays!