Joan and Melissa: Live at the Grammy Awards5:59 I turned on the TV Guide Channel now to see Joan

and Melissa tackle the Grammy arrivals. And my head is already spinning from watching Joan have tea with Jadakiss on her Grammy preview special.6:00 I can't wait to see what Gwen Stefani is wearing, she's always outrageously cool. That might throw the Rivers' gals for a loop. 6:02 No red carpet — its green. Joan is already trying unsuccessfully to be hip: "The green rug is off the hook and stupid."6:06 First case of misinformation. Missy just asked Rob Thomas and his wife about their two children. They don't have any. This after I just learned way too much about Joan's pregnancy with Melissa.6:12 Modern polka. I guess with like, 170 categories there really is something for everyone.6:13 Joan just actually made me laugh out loud, saying that Mr. Britney Spears is nominated for best score. "He hit the Louisiana lotto when he married her." Funny, but Kevin Federline isn't exactly the toughest target.6:18 I love, love, love Zach Braff (or Jack Braff, if you are Joan). He's positively, um, adorkable in his suit with a hoodie, and he won an award for best soundtrack for Garden State. That's awesome. But I'm already tugging on my earlobe, hoping that someone will notice my signal and save me from the endless bad puns. 6:22 Love Chris Booker wondering when Joan is going to kick the bucket so he can get out of the back room. Better still, Melissa says it will be seven years. Obviously she's given this some thought.6:24 Is it just me or do The Killers and their gal pals look a bit slighted when Joan says to stay tuned because the big stars are coming soon?6:30 M.J. Hammer? She said it twice! I know that M.C. Hammer is a D-lister nowadays, but still. 6:45 I haven't been slacking off for the last 15 minutes. Seriously, nothing exciting has happened. Lynyrd Skynryd showed up and Melissa and Chris planned Joan's funeral. Blah, blah, blah.6:46 Wait, Mama Rivers is talking about Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, that could be fun. But it is a complete non sequitur. He's nowhere to be found.6:48 The Blind Boys of Alabama, they rock! They coordinated their outfits — is it wrong to wonder if someone helped them with that? 6:54 Okay, the name tags are cute. And I love that the Maroon 5 guys are playing along by bickering over who gets to be "Maroon 1." 6:57 Gwen showed up! She looks fab in that sexy black dress. Even Joan and Missy are impressed, though they diss on Gavin's drab wardrobe.6:58 Eve admits to using double-stick tape. No chance of a wardrobe malfunction for her.7:03 Since Joan repeatedly asked what an Escalade is on TV, do you think Cadillac will send her one? 7:09 One of the Los Lonely Boys: "It was a long year, but it was really short too." Profound.7:10 How old is James Brown's backup singer/wife? The Godfather of Soul must have something going on.7:13 Triumph finally showed up. Now Joan's comments make sense, but he's not nearly as funny as I had hoped.7:23 So I see Nelly and Usher wandering on the green carpet, but Missy's talking to the Crabb Family? Ugh.7:31 OK, Queen Latifah and Hoobastank are chatting with Joan, that's better. 7:33 But now Missy's talking at length to Big & Rich, Joan already spent forever with them. Who the heck are they?7:35 Cyndi Lauper is wearing the earrings of a dead person. This girl still knows how to have fun.7:42 The five-second delay is in overdrive with even Tim McGraw slipping up with some bad language.7:44 Courtesy special guest commentator Michael Ausiello: Melissa just said "peeper" instead of "people." Tee-hee.7:45 Chris Booker finally gets to do something 15 minutes before the show ends. He's talking to Norah Jones. I was feeling bad for him, but also wondering how much he's getting paid for sitting by himself doing nothing, and if I could somehow get promoted to that gig. 7:52 How long do you think it takes to carve those intricate designs in Kanye West's hair? 7:53 Bald looks beautiful on Melissa Etheridge, but when her hair grows back she can hook up with Kanye for some fun style ideas.The Grammy Awards8:01 Love that Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas got to open the show with that big number. The Grammys are a long way from her Kids, Incorporated days. So proud of her.8:03 If she were a wealthy girl would Gwen buy clothes that weren't torn?8:04 I'm worried that Eve's dress might be exposing me to more than I want to see.8:06 Instead of asking how far heaven is, I think the better question for Los Lonely Boys would be how long until that rickety-looking platform they are on collapses?8:10 This bizarre medley of performers is kind of cool. I would download it on iTunes.8:15 Since Queen Latifah just got a royal welcome, maybe she could give Camilla Parker Bowles tips on how to just give yourself the title that you want.8:20 The first award, only 20 minutes in. Not too bad. Oh, look, Los Lonely Boys won, maybe next year they'll get to perform on a real stage. 8:32 I'm confused. Is Jamie Foxx doing a tribute to Ray Charles with Alicia Keys or is he still pretending to be him? Don't get me wrong, Mr. Foxx can sing and all, but it is a little too meta for me.8:35 It would have been cooler if Nelly was wearing purple instead of baby blue while accepting Prince's award. And speaking of royalty, these regal names must have some power over the Grammy committee because I listen to the radio and I've never even heard the song that just won.8:41 Why are they doing all the lifetime achievement awards as passing mentions? That is usually when I take my bathroom break. Things might get ugly here pretty soon.8:46 U2 is great as always, but I have to keep looking away from the screen, that bright white background is blinding.8:48 Woo hoo! Green Day won. I like all the other nominees, but American Idiot is by far the coolest rock album of the year. Hands-down.8:56 Queen Latifah is promising the two very memorable performances back-to-back. That's a lot to live up to... we'll see.8:58 So far, still don't care that J.Lo is singing with her skinny hubby on a set that looks like it is out of a cheesy musical. And my four years of high school Spanish aren't helping me to figure out what they are singing about at all.9:02 Still don't have a clue what that tune was about, but maybe this will be a career boost for M. Ant. But just remember, Ms. Lopez: Cher did way better without Sonny.9:04 So that didn't live up the hype. Actually it was pretty darned dreadful. The Southern rockers have a lot of ground to make up. 9:08 [Sigh.] I'm grooving along a little, but not blown away. What was with the announcer randomly announcing Tim McGraw mid-song?9:09 Wait, "Sweet Home, Alabama." If I had some beer, this could have potential.9:13 Those good ol' boys got off to a slow start, but it ended in a standing O. So the Queen only stretched the truth. The second number was fairly rockin' and I'll remember Jennifer and Marc, but not in a good way.9:19 The Queen's wearing a breakaway dress... wasn't CBS concerned?9:21 She can sing. But its been a half-hour since they gave away an award. No wonder they gave most of their trophies out before the show.9:23 Maroon 5 won Best New Artist? I'm shocked. I really thought Kanye had it in the bag. My mom will be so happy. I'd call her during the commercial, except with this crazy schedule, I really have to use the opportunity to skip to the loo.9:30 I made it back in time to check out Desperate Housewives for a sec and Mike the plumber was shirtless. I'm missing that? Thank goodness that TiVo is recording it for me at home.9:31 Joan and Missy would have had a field day with Quentin Tarantino's clothing choice, but I forgive him because Kill Bill kicked butt.9:33 It is a good thing no one else is in the office to see me lamely dancing in around in my cube to Green Day.9:35 Some people aren't standing after that performance. Who are these people? I want names!9:36 Alicia Keys won for Best R&B album. Another well-deserved award. That girl's got chops.9:45 Confused again. Did Kanye West just stage his own death, then resurrection and then turn into an angel? If so, that's kinda cool. If not, can someone help me understand what the heck was going on?9:53 Oh, he won Best Rap Album and now he's explaining about the car accident. It's starting to make a lot more sense now. 9:55 Oh, wait, Kanye just said: "Everybody wanted to know what I'd do if I didn't win. I guess we'll never know." My pal Rochell just called to tell me that wasn't very humble. That in fact he was braggin', and it wasn't an appropriate way to react considering the subject matter of his song. I'll take her word on this one.10:05 Melissa Etheridge just changed the Janis Joplin "Piece of My Heart" line from "only man" to "only one." I like how she snuck that in there.10:07 Joss Stone was good, but little Missy really made those notes her own. As Randy Jackson would say, "I'm feelin it, dawg."10:12 More Tim McGraw? He was just in the Southern Rock tribute. Can't we give out some awards or something instead? Please? There is less than an hour left and I think they've only given out like six awards. That's insane!10:20 Loretta Lynn just won for Best Country Album and is bossin' her producer — the White Stripe's Jack White — around. She's so spunky. Love that!10:28 Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi really are such an adorable couple.10:29 I like John Mayer, but it is getting late and this song is so sleep-inducing.10:31 Whoa! Lisa Marie should not be wearing that nearly nonexistent dress. But at least it woke me up a bit. 10:32 U2 won some award with a really long convoluted title. Bono just channeled Donald Trump by calling this "the best Grammy's I've ever seen." 10:40 I've spent all night for waiting for the much-hyped "We Are the World" 2005. It is an impressive ensemble of performers from all across the music industry, and on their individual verses they sound great, but all together it is too much.10:43 Reminding myself that this is for a good cause. But can't help but giggle at Steven Tyler with the maracas. 10:44 Tim McGraw again? Really people.10:45 I'm sure I'll end up downloading "Across the Universe" for the tsunami charity, but I think I'll probably stick with actually listening to the original. 10:46 Stevie Wonder just sang a bit of his own "Isn't She Lovely." Wow, he's still got it. And he's a hoot pretending to read the winner of the Song of the Year. It's no wonder that he's a legend.10:55 Usher is performing. Of course he looks good in a snappy suit and dancing around. Can he look bad?10:56 Hold on a second. It just dawned on me that if it is 10:55 and Usher just started singing and there are still awards to give out, this show is not going to end at 11. Ugh. While I'd ordinarily never miss a chance to watch Usher shake his groove thang, this time I'd actually pass.10:59 Now James Brown is boogying with Usher and passing the torch. That's actually worth staying up for. 11:00 I really don't care about Lance and Sheryl's relationship puns. Records that "Live Strong." Ick.11:01 Ray Charles and Norah Jones won for Record of the Year. Big surprise.11:04 They rightly played the music to stop Charles' manager, who was going on forever, but just said that the show is coming back with a tribute to Charles. What was the Alicia Keys/Jamie Foxx duet before? I'm too tired to even care that I'm confused now.11:10 The president of the Grammys is talking about the benefit again. Dude, we get it. We already heard this speech before they sang.11:14 Seriously, after 11 o'clock is way too late to be remembering the talented people that have passed away in the past year. It is almost insulting to be putting them so late in the show.11:18 Bonnie Raitt did a loving tribute to Charles, but now they just said there is another award to give away. This is never going to end. Are they trying to outdo the Oscars? Instead they should learn from the MTV Music Awards, a fun program that is short and snappy, has hip people and ends on time.11:27 Ray Charles wins Album of the Year. Which I finally figured out is for the whole album, and record is just for the recording of a specific song, and song of the year is for the people who wrote the song of the year. I had some time on my hands to decipher this weird Grammy-speak. It is just starting to make sense to me, but I'll probably forget it all by this time next year.To see a list of the winners, click here.