Hit Me Baby One More Time Ever since they started airing commercials for this show, I've been psyched. Tiffany! I mean, "And so we're running just as fast as we can. Holding on to one another's hands. Trying to get away into the night. Then you put your arms around me And we tumble to the ground, and then you say, 'I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. I think we're alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound.'" Seriously, when I was in third grade, I freaking loved that song. My best friend Lauren and I (and yes, we even had "Be Fri" and "St End" necklaces to solidify our BFF status) even had a dance to it. I couldn't wait for it. I mean, Tiffany! So why, oh, why did this show have to be so bad? It wasn't even an it's-so-bad-it's-good show. It was pretty much 52 minutes of bad with eight minutes of good mixed in — and the commercials went in the good pile.

Mistake 1: Vernon Kay. Who is he? Britain's poor man's Ashton Kutcher? And why is he yelling at the camera? Honestly, this show would have been like, 10 times better if they'd cast some has-been sitcom star like Candace Cameron or Tina Yothers, or even an old talk-show host like Jenny Jones, just to keep with the theme of whole thing.Mistakes 2, 3 and 4: Loverboy, Flock of Seagulls and CeCe Peniston, respectively. Loverboy and Flock totally sucked. They're old. They're ugly. And, well, they can't sing. As for CeCe, who even knew she was the chick singing that song "Finally"? Sure, we — and by we I mean me and my girlfriends — grooved to it at my ninth-grade dance, but I have zero interest in her. However, to give props where props are due, I will note that the girl can sing.Mistake 5: The whole second half of the show. Arrested Development's version of Los Lonely Boys' "Heaven" was cool, but I did not need to hear any of these bands performing "the hits of today." And, for the record, the words "hit" and "stars" were used more loosely tonight than ever before. That being said, tonight's hour wasn't a total wash. I renewed my long-lost love for Arrested Development. They'll be on my iPod tomorrow. Some record company should snatch them up ASAP. My only issue with them is that they didn't get to that part in "Tennessee" where the chick yells "a game of horseshoes!" It's the best part of the song! But since they were otherwise awesome, I'm willing to let that slide.

Still, the piece de resistance was, of course, Tiffany doing "I Think We're Alone Now." I even sang along and did the hand motions to my old dance routine. (They came back to me like I'd done them just yesterday. It was like riding a bike.) And if you're saying that you a) do not like this song and b) did not have a dance to this song and c) did not both sing and dance along while watching the show, you are totally lying. Seriously, the only thing that could have improved the Tiffany portion of the show would be if she'd been followed by Debbie Gibson doing "Electric Youth." Now that would have been a showdown. — Ali Gazan

Channel Surfing
Started TV viewing a bit early today to catch ESPN's coverage of the National Spelling Bee and gosh, those kids are funny. Under a ton of stress, exuberant 11-year-old Samir got excited when he knew a word even before he'd spelled it correctly. These kids are remarkably intelligent; some of the words were just tremendously difficult, but they handled them with ease, especially cool and collected Anurag Kashyap, who won the whole darn thing. He was so overwhelmed that he covered his face with the placard he'd been using to air-pen words on all day... There were also some adorable kids in an unlikely spot — ESPN Classic's version of The Biggest Loser. The show, Who's No. 1?, tackled the 25 worst teams of all time. This schadenfreude-filled hour featured tiny tots' finger paintings as interstitials between such horrendous efforts as the 1988 Orioles (who lost 21 games in a row); the L.A. Clippers (who play in the Lakers' shadow and made this list twice); the 2002 Tampa Bay Devil Rays (who had people sleeping in the stands); and the losingest team of all, the 1991 Prairie View Football team (who had an 80-game losing streak and one memorable 92-0 loss).... Poker and NASCAR is an accident waiting to happen, and Michael Waltrip's Celebrity Poker Tournament crashed and burned for a poker-addicted non-NASCAR fan. Watching these non-pro, unfunny card sharks was a snoozefest, but perhaps for NASCAR fans, who are used to watching these men drive around in circles for several hours, this is exciting? At least at the races the cars are cool to look at... Is it wrong to use the Discover Channel's Ultimate Thrill special as a checklist to the roller coasters I've ridden and thus where my next vacation destination will be? The more sick, twisted and G-force-heavy, the better, so Georgia here I come to test out that super-looking Superman ride. And if I get bored, there's always the Georgia night life like on... Single in the City, where Hotlanta gets even hotter, especially for Saundra, who has a "maintenance man" (a cute younger man who is around just for sex). Damn. At the opposite end of the spectrum is Dr. Amy, the pretty plastic surgeon who takes a month off from her practice in order to break her long dry spell and find some good lovin'. And Bree, who is a 23-year-old spoiled brat and who is ditching a perfect gentleman because he's sarcastic. Umm, yeah, that's a good plan for a girl who's already picked out her wedding dress and tiara. This Southern belle made me wish I had a hammer to ring her bell and knock some sense into her. — Angel Cohn