Hell's Kitchen
8:02 Oh, yippee. The requisite flashbacks of the gang competing for theZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
8:10 Gordon tells final two, Michael and Ralph, that "this is your biggest challenge yet" as a curtain drops to divide the restaurant. Apparently they'll be doing window treatments? How odd.
8:12 Oh, they'll be designing and running their own eateries. Neat. Too bad I hate both of them.
8:17 A spot for Fox's new fall comedy, Kitchen Confidential, inspires the sudden wish that it was September. Or at least an hour and 43 minutes from now.
8:22 The fellas unveil their decor ideas, and it looks like Ralph is going for Olive Garden-chic. Michael, on the other hand, is the devil. Oh, and his place wants to be White Lotus meets poseur minimalist.
8:25 Ramsay takes the guys out to Hollywood Boulevard to peddle their signature dishes. Because Michael is the devil, his braised short ribs trump Ralph's porterhouse mess, 12 to 6.
8:31 Ahh, and now we get an ad for Fox's überfascinating ensemble mystery Reunion. Seriously, how long till September?
8:40 "You people cook like old people [bleep]!" Classy, Mike. We only need one Gordon, OK? Simma.
8:47 Ralph busts his competitor, sending out crab risotto sans crab during their trial run, but fails to run him through with a rusty kabob skewer. Gutless wonders. You both deserve to lose.
8:50 I may not know much about sports, but Ralph's comparing the final test to the Super Bowl, the Kentucky Derby and Game 7 of the World Series seems a bit much. Unless he means, "Michael and I are awful people who screwed over Elsie to be here."
9:00 Meet your staff, kids! Yep, it's Elsie. And Dewberry. And Wendy, Andrew and Jimmy. Now it's getting interesting. Sort of. Well, maybe a litt Zzzzzzzzzz.
9:01 Hey, look a commercial for Fox's crafty cell-block drama Prison Break. Think Oz with hotter male leads and none of the flinch-inducing shower scenes. Good times. And totally not gay at all, honest.
9:05 Mikey and Ralph name their restaurants and really, who cares? Like Elsie, I'm now officially bitter that these two yahoos are eating up my entire night. Jerks.
9:06 Does this font make me look fat?
9:07 Andrew proves useless in the kitchen once again by slicing his thumb instead of his own throat with an artichoke peeler. Hey, a guy can dream, right?
9:15 Gordo sizes up his hopefuls' wait-staff outfits and deems Ralphie's crew "old grannies." Michael, on the other hand, remains the devil. Oh, and his team looks gayer than Prison Break.
9:20 The doors open and blah, blah, blah. I'm hungry.
9:26 Quick, somebody get a parasol and a mint julep! Steel Magnolia reject Dewberry is getting faint. Drink your juice, Shelby.
9:40 Dinner is over! Stick a fork in it, Gordon, and name your winner.
9:41 Whenever you're ready, bud.
9:48 Seriously, chief. Pick someone.
9:50 Anyone!
9:54 Truth? The promo for The O.C. just reminded me that the best thing about the show is its publicist. This season had better be bangin' or we're so breaking up.
10:00 And the winner is Michael. Turns out having no soul has its benefits. Thankfully, the tattooed horror of haute cuisine accepts Gordo's offer to work with him in London. Like those poor people haven't suffered enough lately? Let's just hope all those stiff upper lips teach our little backstabber what just desserts really taste like.   Damian J. Holbrook