Gilmore Girls
After she tried to break up Lorelai and Luke, Emily's Find-a-Yalie-for-Rory party seemed even more heinous than it did the first time this ep aired this season. The snooty soir&#233e was completely appalling — from Rory's Princess Diaries makeover to the crazy diamond jewelry (hello, who wears a freaking tiara to a cocktail party?) to the Richie Riches lined up to impress Rory with their extensive knowledge about sports cars. Not to mention the purpose of the "alumni event": to tear Rory away from her common, working-class boyfriend Dean. In fact, Em and Dick's speech sounded awfully familiar: "He's not good enough. She needs guidance. You're not doing a good enough job. We know what's best for her." That's because a few eps later, Mother Gilmore shouted the exact same words to Lorelai about her relationship with common, working-class boyfriend Luke. I was so glad to see Dean go for good (ugh, he was unbearably dull); loved how Logan swooped right in when they broke up to work his magic. And when a drunken Rory stumbled out of a limo filled with her new Yalie friends, you knew that a new era had arrived.

My favorite line of the night: "You sleep with one old guy and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones." — Paris, who's convinced all her professors want her
My second favorite line of the night: "Fries are the devil's starchy fingers." — Kyong, the foreign-exchange student living under the iron rule of Mrs. Kim — Robin Honig

American Idol
OK, OK, I know. Tons to talk about, right? First, let me say that I'm wearing a jaunty little hat in honor of the dearly departed Mario Vazquez. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that those "personal reasons" are just his way of saying "I got me a record deal" and not "I'm wanted in four states." Either way, we could have used his 'N Sync-ronicity, especially during the first half of our inaugural theme night. Or as I like to call it, open mic night at Our Lady of Bad Ideas Gone Worse. Really, I get the need for some sort of hook, but having these young'uns perform tunes from the '60s is the musical version of child beauty pageants. And y'all know how wrong those are. Thankfully, there were a few standouts among the newly made-over (and Nikko Smith-supplemented) Top 12 that give me hope for the upcoming weeks. The others? Well, let's just say some of them won't be missed as much as li'l Mario, aiight?

Jessica Sierra: Well, that was... eh. Smokey Robinson's "Shop Around" is at best a bad Captain & Tennille memory. So I'm just going to forget this ever happened and hold out for Torch Song night. Because you know this one's got the heat to help Randy sweat off those last few pounds.

Anwar Robinson: Aw, damn. I dig this guy. I do. Such a voice. Too bad "A House is Not a Home" is also not the song for him. Especially after Tamyra Gray made that Burt Bacharach classic roll over and beg during Season 1. Then again, that girl could sing my obituary and I'd ask for an encore.

Mikalah Gordon: Big props for trying "Son of a Preacher Man." Just not sure if what she's trying to do with him is appropriate. The eye shadow and highlights, however, are perfection.

Constantine Maroulis: Constantine, you've made me so very happy. Hell, even Simon's sitting funny over you, dude. Keep it up. And call my roomie!

Lindsey Cardinale: A moment of silence, please, for "Knock on Wood." Which is now knocking on heaven's door. Why are you still here?

Anthony Fedorov: Again, all about the Tony, but there is no way to make "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" not suck. Bad choice, blondie, bad choice!

Nadia Turner: Oh, yes. I do have to say I love you. So does my friend Joe. But Simon is a tad off. In a competition full of hamburgers, you aren't just a steak, hon. You're an In-N-Out buffet of juicy hotness. Animal style. Watch your back, Jess.

Bo Bice: Is it weird that I just threw a pair of panties at the TV? Randy's right, "Spinning Wheel" is the way to get it done. And kudos on the deep-conditioning.

Vonzell Solomon: OK, I don't know what Simon is waiting for, because she just did something great. She made me forget all about first-seasoner Christina Christian's smokin' version of "Anyone Who Had a Heart." Almost as fabulous as the Tweet-meets-Naomi look Miss V is rocking.

Scott Savol: Another great voice, another boring performance. And will someone get this guy a g.d. razor? This isn't American History X, people!

Carrie Underwood: Wait. Did glazed-over goody-goody Paula just call her "When Will I Be Loved" boring? Somebody better let Hell know it'll be freezing over shortly. Personally, Carrie, I expected more.

Nikko Smith: Ahh, the irony. "I Want You Back" from the guy who got to come back. Cute. Shame we won't want him back after this hatchet job. Lindsey, hold off on packing just yet. — Damian Holbrook

The Amazing Race
Considering that ocean-loving Debbie was one of only four players to totally chomp down the mounds of meat, I really think, for that alone, she and Bianca should've been allowed to keep racing. After that long, long day she actually put away four lbs. of pork and blood sausage, cow rib, intestine, udder, kidney and saliva gland. And so did poor Patrick. Imagine eating that load on top of the pressure of competing with another team, knowing you are dangerously close to elimination. My stomach hurts just thinking about it.

That sly editing in which it appeared as if Uchenna and Joyce would come in first was just devious. And it's not like their second-place standing really matters since each leg of the race is designed to basically reset all the players. Yes, strangely enough, the businesses that serve as starting points almost always seem to have operating hours that accommodate everyone catching up to each other. But that's just smart planning on the producers' part; otherwise, plane trips and such would be nearly impossible to coordinate.

I told myself I wouldn't Rob-bash this week, so I'll just let that cab-stealing fiasco speak for itself. (Debbie and Bianca must've loved seeing that footage.) He's a clever player, but I have to wonder what sweet, innocent Amber thinks of his less-than-fair play. It's hard to tell whether she's totally in agreement with his conniving tricks or if she somehow feels she's blameless because he executes everything. — Danny Spiegel

Project Greenlight
It is the Ides of March, which doesn't bode well for this disasterpiece in the making. Sure, both Stolen Summer and The Battle of Shaker Heights bombed at the box office, so it makes sense that the documentary series would actually want to make a profit off the chosen film this time around. But watching this ep seems like rubbernecking at an accident. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Wes Craven argue with the Dimension Films execs over picking a quality script instead of a mediocre but marketable one, but the Beantown boys and the horror guru are shot down. The same fight arises over picking a director, and after much deliberation, they end up winning, but they pick a wedding videographer who seems too socially inept to helm a $2 million film. What were they thinking? They may be making Feast, but it already seems like box-office poison in the making. Check, please! — Angel Cohn

Veronica Mars
I know it's a rerun, but I have to say hello again to Deputy Leo. He is cute, makes her laugh, saved her dad's life, has police department access and plays in a band. And on top of all that, it gives Ms. Mars an opportunity to quip, "A cop that rocks? What will they think of next?", which is a perfect Steven Bochco reference if I've ever heard one. Too bad she uses the officer to get more info on Lily's murder. But the sweet cop should take heart — you can't become part of Veronica's inner circle until she's charmingly taken advantage of you at least once.

And I loved the reappearance of friendly neighborhood hacker Mac (Tina Majorino); her enterprising purity-test plot scored her a brand-new VW bug, and now she's got another get-rich scheme for my fave sleuth, a way to profit by tattling on overprotective parents. But I still have a hard time separating Mac from Tina's Napoleon Dynamite alter ego. I keep waiting for her to show up at school with a Caboodle full of boondoggle keychains and a camera ready to snap some glamour shots. At least Tina's got a knack for playing enterprising young women who seem totally overqualified for the life they are living. Who knew there was a call for that? — AC

The Shield
I can't believe it. I was all ready to take Shawn Ryan to task for casting Glenn Close as Aceveda's replacement. I had a full paragraph of scathing critique prepared about how you cannot take Lady Macbeth out of the 11th century and plop her down on the gang-infested streets of Farmington with the likes of Vic Mackey! But you know something? Dammit, I like green eggs and ham, and I like Glenn Close as Monica Rawling, Sam-I-Am!

Hardly the ball-buster I'd expected; the new captain is so totally chill she's downright affable. Maybe it's because she hasn't formally taken over yet. She's still on vacation, right? Just popping in to the Barn to have a look around and meet the troops. Now I don't know about you, but "vacation" to me conjures up images of white sand beaches, drinking rum from a coconut and stealing glances at the lovelies in their string bikinis — not shaking down gang members while investigating a quadruple homicide and sharing a laugh over a mute pit bull with a bullet in its head — but that's just me.

Not sure what Shane was doing pulling a pager off Vic's dead informant in that last scene, but the tension between the former best buddies was downright enticing:

Vic: "Why are you here? Who did this?"Shane: "You wanna smell my gun?"

Ahhhh, now that's what's been missing from my television diet. — Dan Roberts