Gilmore Girls Okay, I'm a sap, but loved Lorelai and Luke coaching Rory through her "first college date" via cell phone. Yeah, like I've said, this mother/daughter duo is

waaay codependent. Still, they're sweet. And it's a really good thing Lorelai's coping with her empty nest syndrome by spending more time with Luke.

Meanwhile, Rory's tale of "urine mints" was both an amusing and disturbing cautionary tale. Are you one of those people who "forgets" to wash your hands after visiting the loo in a restaurant, then shakes hands with folks and fishes around in the mint bowl on the way out, like Rory said? Well, if so, you know who you are. I hope you feel ashamed. And I hope that shame burns its way into your wretched soul. Or, um, at the very least, may it compel you to use antibacterial hand soap more often.

P.S. Ever since she wrote that Underneath It All memoir, Traci Lords is everywhere! Here she is on Gilmore Girls, guest starring as the interior decorator for Lorelai and Sookie's Dragonfly Inn. How cool to see Lords land an acting gig that isn't about playing off her sex kitten image. She's been there, done that, you know? Last week, she was telling Oprah about life as an underage porn star, but insisting she's a legit actress now. Too bad Oprah seemed far more interested in pandering to the prurient interests of her studio audience, asking if Lords enjoyed filming her porn scenes and whether she likes having the lights on or off during sex. Ugh. This woman's porn career was over before she was 18 — so it's not okay to joke about it, like she was a responsible adult having consensual sex in those movies. Okay, rant over. I'm just saying this lady's clearly trying to make lemonade outta lemons, and she deserves a break already.

One Tree Hill The embittered father (Paul Johansson) pressuring his son (James Lafferty) into high-school basketball stardom is creeping me out. Reminds me of when I joined my church's basketball team at age 10, and nobody except this one kid knew how to play. We were so bad, we'd accidentally score baskets for the other team! Meanwhile, our star player was so pressured by the parents screaming at him from the bleachers, he eventually started hyperventilating and collapsed during a game. Oy! I can't take it. My basketball drama is making it too hard to watch this basketball drama. Click.

Scary Movie 3 Trailer The previous Scary Movies were skanky good fun, but this one has Queen Latifah! That spoof of The Ring — where the Queen and Regina Hall kick the VCR ghost's butt — looks like a helluva hoot. Maybe this movie will be therapeutic for me. After I saw The Ring, I was so freaked out that I've been eyeing my television set with mistrust ever since. For a guy who works at TV Guide, this is a problem!

Frasier Oh good! Bebe Neuwirth is back as Frasier's ex, Lilith. And here she is, looking at baby photos with son Frederick, just before his bar mitzvah: "Here you are, dear, just an hour after struggling out from my grudging womb." Ew. She's a freak. But that's why she's funny!

Nip/Tuck Juicy! Juicy! Juicy! The finale to Nip/Tuck's first season was full of soapy surprises. Reformed cad Julian McMahon had just embraced the idea of fatherhood. Then, his paramour from Sexaholics Anonymous gave birth to a black baby, apparently conceived during one of her boozy blackouts. Who the hell saw that one comin'? (Well, I did, but only because I watched The Guardian last Tuesday night, when another white couple was also stunned by the birth of a surprise African-American child. I smell an odd TV trend here...) But wait! Turns out, McMahon's character is the real biological father of Joely Richardson's son, not Dylan Walsh — which explains where Jon Hensley gets his brunette hair. (The origin of the kid's Peter Gallagher-esque eyebrows remains a mystery, however.) And how fun to see the plastic surgeons ruined by their enemies, only to have the bad guys' treacheries backfire on them, thus leaving our flawed heroes back on top by the end of the hour. Wow. This episode was quite a ride. Can't wait for Season Two!

NYPD Blue Sex and cussing abound. How many candid shots of Mark Paul Gosselaar's girlfriend's tush do we need to see in one scene? What is this, the ABC network or a Girls Gone Wild video? But hey, I shouldn't complain. Just thank God it's not Dennis Franz baring his derriere again. Not to be outdone, Franz uses a torrent of profanity like I haven't heard since I got my last car insurance bill. Plus, a witness uses her pinky to describe a rape suspect's manhood. It's like, every five seconds, this show's saying, "Oooh, did we shock you?"

By the way, did you remember to play the waiting game for Bill Brochtrup — who plays John, Blue's gay secretary of few words — to say his one line? About 13 minutes into this week's episode, it was: "Good to see you, Detective." He was talking to Kim Delaney, who's back as Det. Diane Russell. Now, there's a sight for sore eyes. I miss her! She's got vulnerability and spunk. And a heavy breast cancer storyline. I'm feeling a little cynical about this overused plot twist, but intrigued, nevertheless...