Wow... oh, wait a sec... sniff, sniff... where are my tissues? OK, deep breath. Regained my composure and I think I can continue now. Phew, the return of this show did not disappoint. I'm so thankful for Bright, because without his witty little quips about moldy foods and his "boo-yahs," I think I would have been sobbing for the entire baby mama-drama- filled hour. OK, not the whole 60 minutes, 'cause for a couple of minutes there I really thought that Madison was going to change her mind about telling Ephram about her pregnancy. I was holding up all right until then. After that I was a goner. Sarah "Saved by the Bell: The New Class" Lancaster was astounding as Ephram's former lover, her desperately pleading eyes and calm demeanor coupled with the devastating revelation that she had a baby and gave it away. Truly remarkable, as she always seemed like a fun match for him, but a little bit bland in the emotional moments.

So there's a musically inclined little baby boy wailing on key somewhere in Denver, which surprises me more than the other potential outcomes, like she kept it or she had a miscarriage or an abortion (hey, this show has never shied away from touchy subject matter). Having a baby boy just adds another potentially messed-up father-son relationship to this family drama, which already features the heartbreaking, self-sacrificing dad who accidentally shot his kid, Bright and Dr. Abbott's tenuous coexistence and Dr. Brown's complete and utter betrayal of his eldest offspring. I loved the teen's retort to the pompous surgeon's snappy assumption that he was blowing his Juilliard audition just as retaliation: "That's not the only reason, but it is the best one." I have a feeling that things are only going to get worse, and the fact that there is a doctor in the house won't be able to fix it. And if Ephram is this distraught about Madison and his father's secret-keeping, I just wonder how he's going to react when he finds out that Amy and the Abbott clan also knew about the potential existence of Li'l Ephram Jr. — Angel Cohn

The Bachelor
Awww, man. I was really hoping for a mani-pedi smackdown between Sarah W. and Krisily. Especially since that would have made the ladies' nail-salon trip so much more worth watching. Honestly, the blonde is calling the brunette "a nightmare" and the brunette is rolling her eyes at the blonde for admitting that she missed Charlie. It was like two high-school girls fighting over a guy who's only out to see if the graffiti about them on the bathroom stall is true. All that was missing were saddle shoes and the faint scent of Love's Baby Soft. Then again, it looks as if none of the women left is Charlie's cup of tea. Or, in the case of that dinner with Anitra, his gallon of scotch. Making it clear that they had nothing in common was bad enough, but to get tanked while doing so? Classy. Almost as classy as leaving poor Sarah B. to sit on the fence — literally — so he could ride around solo on their horseback-riding excursion. Though I must say, that perky little one impressed me by holding her tongue about Sarah W.'s "I know who's in the final four" comment from last week until after she got the rose. Nice way to prove her wrong and screw the competition. Good thing Miss W. didn't know about that chat during their fencing group-date or we'd have had someone other than the poxlike infection called Krisily whining about claustrophobia... from the grave. Sadly, as ripe with drama as this crop is, they're rotten prospects for Chuckles. Even Kimberley and her tide-affecting cleavage is just ehh. Which sort of sucks. I mean, if we don't care who he picks, how are we expected to be perversely fascinated when US Weekly devotes the entire summer to reporting their breakup, you know? — Damian J. Holbrook

Declassified Memo
To: Agent Jack Bauer, Los Angeles Bureau CTU
From: Civilian Robin Honig, New York Bureau TV Guide
Re: 12:00am-1:00am
Mr. Bauer,
I do not agree with your outrageous decision to resign from CTU, nor understand how doing so would result in the immediate release of Joe Prado. When exactly did you get approval from Dessler and Buchanan? The president is sure to be angry over the following a) that Prado was set free before he could make his executive decision and b) that you tortured Prado as a newly private citizen. (That was some serious bone crushing, by the way.) How do you plan to justify your actions? Certainly you realize that you now have far fewer privileges. How will you find Marwan without your CTU clearance? Once President Logan finds out what happened to your only witness, I am very concerned that you will not be reinstated.
Please also note the following:
1) Edgar is a mouse-click away from an all-system meltdown. He's beyond Chloe's help, and should be removed from CTU duty immediately.
2) The new president has been exhibiting bizarre behavior including paranoia, anger and anxiety. He may not be fit for duty for much longer, which may work to your advantage.
3) Sources have informed me that Chloe holds personal interest in you. Please be aware of all blushing, swooning, eyelash batting and any unusual volunteering for dangerous missions.
4) It's quite possible you ticked off Audrey for the last time when you ran out with no explanation. If Paul makes it through, you're history.
Good luck and be safe out there,
Robin Honig

I've been a fan of Allison's average husband Joe from the first episode. Average in that he doesn't have "the power," but he is handsome, charming and smart (he's a rocket scientist — yes, there really is such a thing!). And somehow, while holding down a stressful job and raising three little girls, he puts up with his wife's crazy dreams, visions and mind reading. But that doesn't mean he accepts them outright (something you don't quite expect from such an adoring TV husband). Every step of the way he forces Allison to question her special powers. "When did you make the leap from having impressions to being certain?" he asked after she claimed a colleague wasn't telling the whole truth about his wife's achievements. But he's more worried about Allison using her gifts to help put a man on death row. And he should be, because as we found out in this rerun, Allison isn't always right about everything. Turns out this medium has average-Joe days too. — RH

Fat Actress
Weigh to go, Kirstie. After some yo-yo dieting techniques that steered the series from its original goal, tonight's finale really brought home the bacon. By reveling in the self-absorbed actress' obsession with Kid Rock and getting a job, it allowed the shunned not-so-slim former sitcom-er a chance to tickle our funny bones. Plus, trusty hairstylist and spotlight stealer Kevyn got busy waxing "lady's" toes and making inappropriate revelations and comments. Like about how Jeff Zucker rhymes with hooker and not with f... well you get the point. Or that she can't quit because she's got a record ever since she stole a mayo jar full of jewelry from Patty Duke when she really just wanted the condiment. Of course she got caught; everyone knows that Patty's got an identical cousin who can help mind the wacky help. And if a hot dog makes Patty lose control, I imagine that the ham sandwich that Kev was jonesing for would have darned near pushed her over the edge.

However, I really could have lived without the recap/dream sequence. It's only been seven episodes, after all. And I wonder if Kristie — who I swear Rhea Perlman called Krusty — will keep to her Southern belle-ishly melodramatic words. "As God as my witness, I'll never be fat again." And if so, does that mean there's no chance for a second season? Slightly Chubby Actress just doesn't have the same ring to it. — AC

Miss last week's The Bachelor, 24 or Fat Actress? Click here for our recaps.

Got a comment for one of our Watercooler writers? Send it in via the feedback box at the bottom of the page.