You know, quirky's kind of old, but I gotta throw some love to our boy Ed. Finally, after three seasons of foreplay, the goofball bowling-alley lawyer stepped up and got his freaky-deaky on with Carol. And you know what? It works! This has got to be the best coupling NBC has going for it (you'll understand later tonight, trust me). Oh, and the guest spot by Mo Rocca as "the weird-ass breeder" who rooked Mike and Nancy was inspired. Get this man a contract!

Hilary Duff's Island Birthday
Wow, this like totally reminds me of my, like, 16th birthday party. Except instead of Hawaii, it was like, in my parents' backyard. And instead of surfing and greeting fans, I like, ate cake and stuff. Granted, I may be a few weeks over the pop moppet's demo group, but hearing Hil describe "singing as being totally different than acting" made me want to sit her down and explain who Jennifer Love Hewitt was. And why Carson Daly will be calling in two years.

Performing As...
Don't even get me started on this. How could Sharon Youngblood's Aretha beat Sharon Owens's Barbra? Yes, Youngblood had a whole choir behind her and sure, the big faux fur carpet-coat was a knockout. But did anyone see Owens? The woman obviously made a pact with the devil to get Babs's voice and Boy George's makeup artist. I demand a recount! Or at least a duet.

West Wing
John Goodman scares the hell out of me. Who is not telling this man the truth? And he is so good, so charming. Seriously, someone who loves him needs to speak up. Other than that, Josh fretting over Bartlett stepping down to search for his kidnapped daughter was tired about four minutes in. Since Aaron Sorkin is gone, I think Season Five should just scrap the whole politics thing and focus on Stockard Channing and Martin Sheen being the prickliest pair this side of Tony and Carmela.

Big Brother 4
There is a special place in hell for big winner Jun and raspy voiced runner-up Alison. Let's all pray that it's called "oblivion."

The Bachelor
I got two words for you, folks: Stalker camp. The sheer number of women lined up to bag Bob Guiney before they even met him makes me think I'm really missing something here. He's got bad hair, he lost Trista and if I see one more shot of him doing that damn Riverdance routine from The Bachelorette, there may need to be meds administered. That doesn't mean I won't be watching every week. I may not like the guy, but it's still more fun than a bad date. And no, that doesn't make me feel dirty.

The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire
You know how I said quirky was kind of beat these days? Yeah, well take note David E. Kelley. Mare Winningham talking about "shriveling up like a dried booger" and her husband "coveting" Katie Couric isn't just quirky. It's disquieting. And if you don't do something to make these characters a little more sympathetic and less pathetic, something is going to be very quieted soon. Like your show.