Ever come home from work, sit down on the couch and look at the TV set like, "What you got for me? Bring it!" Yeah, well, that's me tonight. Hungry, angry, lonely and tired (Yes, Ken Fox, I have officially H.A.L.T.-ed). I'm looking to the blue glow for entertainment and some might say salvation. Consider yourself warned.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
You mean that song was a cartoon too? Shut. Up! I wonder which came first? Hmmm. See, now that's going to annoy me. I've got to look it up. [Insert sound of my old-school dial-up connection starting. Click. Wait. Three minutes later...] According to IMDb, the movie came out in 2000. And according to Allmusic.com, the song was first recorded by Randy Brooks in 1984. Good to know.
Playing a role that is — thank God! — not a stereotypical Asian dragon lady, Lucy Liu guest-stars as Joey's new boss. And girlfriend's got obsessive-compulsive tendencies. When she's upset, she has to open and close each drawer multiple times. And don't even get her started on the stove. Hey, I have to brush each tooth 36 times. Great. I'm getting OCD. I just know it. But back to the show... Joey getting all happy and yelling "Gypsies!" when he saw the stuffed elves... Funny.
10 minutes of Survivor: Vanuatu
Eliza won immunity and will go straight to the final four. Damn her superior listening and memory skills!
Will & Grace
And the Revenge Tactic of the Year Award goes to Will's mother Marilyn. When Grace suggests that one of Marilyn's other party guests may have broken her beloved Lladro figurine, mad mama says, "I am going to wait until April and pour bleach on her roses." Re-read that sentence and think about it for a second. That's some evil stuff right there.
A hot second of Extreme Makeover
Kim sounds like a him. I'm just saying.
The first few minutes of The Apprentice
Blah, blah meet at Trump World Tower the most fabulous building in the universe blah. After he returns from Ivana's doomed boardroom, Kelly proceeds to sit on the couch and talk to Sandy about Jen as if she weren't sitting within earshot on the other side of the room. Dude. I know this is a reality show. But it's not a sitcom. There's no invisible sound barrier. Of course she can hear you!
A few more minutes of The Apprentice
More blah, blah, blah. Then Kevin gets fired because he's an overeducated black man and Sandy gets the boot because she's not Jen. Blah.
The last half hour of CSI
Tonight's episode seems like a ripped-from-the-headlines take on that awful child-neglect incident that happened earlier this year. You know, the one where that woman left her kids with that awful relative so she could go take a job. Then the relative proceeded to let the kids starve to death. It's an awful story. But a good way to reveal that Sara's a product of The System. Her being a foster child explains so much. On a different note, tonight's episode was not a good night for child-neglecting whores. First Army boy calls the working woman a "chicken-head ghetto rat." Then Capt. Brass calls her a quote, "skanky bitch." End quote. I was like, what? Did he just say that and they didn't bleep it out?!
1. Mischa gets to make out — again! — with my boy Nick. Life is truly not fair.
2. Ryan's talking too much. About his feelings. About class. About the SnO.C. dance. (Like he'd really want to go to that, right.) Remember when he was all outsider Chino guy who didn't emote and let his Eye Acting do the talking for him? Yeah, well, I think I liked him better then... back when he didn't sound like a Seth Cohen Part II.
3. Speaking of Seth, I still love him. He's the Duckie/Lloyd Dobler of the season. But that's OK.
4. Having Ryan's new love interest Lindsay be Caleb's illegitimate daughter and, by proxy, Kirsten's sister and Seth's aunt is a move of soapy brilliance. How will they carry that off?
Just a thought
Following up The O.C. with an equally angsty episode of Life as We Know It can't be good for my emotional development. For real. I think my TV tastes are contributing to the degradation of my vocabulary.
Life as We Know It
You know what, Dino may be the most realistic teen-age boy on television right now. The way he acted tonight, using Zoey and lying to Jackie when all he wanted to do was be honest with her... that had a ring of truth to it. For the most part, he's a good guy. But when it comes to the love of his life, he just does evil things. Oh, and don't get me started on Jackie walking out of chem class and putting her head in her Al-Anon beau Matt's lap. They didn't show "it," but if you saw tonight's episode you know what I mean. I can not believe the writers took it there. And I hope to God today's girls don't act out like that. 'Cause how does doing "that" hurt Dino? Whatever.
Celebrity Poker Showdown
Sara Gilbert got sent to the loser's lounge first. Ah, girl, I'm disappointed in you. I may suck at Texas Hold'em but even I could beat Macaulay Culkin tonight. But wait, I have a question: Can the audience see what we the viewers see? Seriously. I keep catching people looking up. And sometimes they're laughing at things Dave Foley says, like they're in the know. But how could they know? Do they have monitors set up around the set? Am I the only one wondering this? Hey, while I'm at it... If any of you have burning questions about Celebrity Poker Showdown, drop me a few lines within the next few days. I've got a girl on the inside who's going to answer all our questions in an upcoming issue of TV Guide.
It's that time of year again when everyone breaks out the lists. Right now (10 pm Eastern Standard Time) there are three such shows on. Three! Court TV's got The Smoking Gun TV: Year-End Special (I'll be catching that in repeats this weekend), E!'s playing the 101 Most Sensational Crimes of Fashion (seems like they've been talking about Bjork's swan dress every night for the last two weeks. But whatev.) and then there's our special TV Guide and TV Land Present: The 100 Most Memorable TV Moments. I may be a little biased, but that's the best one. And I'm not just saying it because I'm interviewed on there a few times. It just is. Now, back to my normally scheduled programming...
Chen euthanasized her father on Christmas. The Holy Night. I can't. Even. Ugh. Two words: Buzz. Kill. Nine more words: The ER writers are trying to hurt a girl. Seriously. How am I supposed to come back from that?
John Mayer Has a TV Show
And I think I might love him. Not enough to go out and buy his CD or anything. I mean, let's keep it real. I've always known my body's a wonderland. And, granted, I may be grabbing for fun, lighthearted straws after ER pushed me to the brink of depression. But shut my mouth, John Mayer is actually funny. (Who knew?!) He's like that guy who's stupid-cute and charming and you want to date him but he's nice-guy popular so you can't. But I'm getting off the subject. His show's this weird travelogue/sketch-comedy thing. He does stupid white-boy stuff like shave his guitarist's head and eyebrows, wander around the parking lot outside of his concert all incognito in a bear suit, go karaoking with Trick Daddy and conduct this out-of-control focus group interview with fans. Think of it as a home video with a reality show budget. (Ma, John's playing with the video camera again!) But, after his 22 and a half entertaining minutes was up, I am crushing on funny mister-mister singer guy. And I need another white-boy crush the way I need to eat 30 Weight Watchers points worth of chocolate chip cookies. For the last time tonight, I'm just saying.