The Burning Bed
I don't have time to watch it. I just noticed that it's on the Lifetime schedule tonight. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to ask for a moment of silence for The Burning Bed. Where would Television for Women be without this based-on-a-true-story, made-for-TV gem?

On the Cover
I hate to say it, but this new PAX series is like the TV Guide crossword puzzle, it makes you feel pretty darn smart — at least for a few days or so until you accidentally come across The New York Times crossword puzzle. If you can answer questions like "Helen Hunt and Denzel Washington appear together on which '80s TV show?" (St. Elsewhere), then you'll think you're a pop-culture genius. And if you don't have a clue about stuff like "In the 1984 Tarzan movie, Greystoke, star Andie McDowell's voice was redubbed by which actress?" (Glenn Close), then you write it off as useless facts you don't need to know anyway. Brilliant. Finally, an easy trivia-based game show I could win!

Colonial House
Props to the Puritans because, after watching this, I know I — like Oprah and Gail — wouldn't have survived a week in 1628. Shoot. I don't think I could go back beyond Little House on the Prairie. Seriously, trekking out to the outhouse and accidentally setting the barn on fire because I was reading by candlelight is as "rough" as I could get. That said, I really admire the faith of college student Bethany Wyers. And the courage of all the women who signed up to do this show. Spending three shampoo and underwear-free months in a place where you don't have indoor plumbing, let alone equal rights with men... That takes a special gene I do not have.

That's it. I am officially tired of Toni not supporting and loving her husband. I'm glad he's leaving. But not because it will teach her a lesson. I'm just fed up with the storyline. No one who manages to get someone to fall in love with them in the first place is that self-centered. Right?

Half & Half

Vocab of the Night: Mantasy, which means an imaginary boyfriend like Ben, Jerry or Emerson.

Quote of the Night: Phyllis says to Mona, "You ain't getting any younger. I can hear your eggs cracking in my sleep." Yeah, thanks Mom.

No They Didn't of the Night: Phyllis's new deejay boyfriend turns out to be Spencer's long-lost dad. No freaking way! That soap-opera twist saved the season finale for me. Otherwise, I was going to have to be mad at them for putting Spencer and Mona together so soon.

Superstar USA
Alright. I gotta admit: I laughed at Jamie, the girl who oozed "Like a Virgin." The looks on the judges' faces as she put a warped Marilyn Monroe-inspired twist on that song was hilarious!

But it was wrong, people. Wrong.

It is not OK to make fun of people this way. In fact, I'm curious to know how they'll manage to not get sued on this show. Seriously. They're leading people to believe they're talented when they're really intentionally looking for the next delusional William Hung (and you know that boy's "touched"). Isn't that some kind of legal misrepresentation or something? Not that I feel too bad for these so-called "cocky, confident schmucks." (Vitamin C's words, not mine.) After all, the fact that Tone Loc and Vitamin C are judging talent should be a dead giveaway that something's up. I mean, Mr. Funky Cold Medina and Vitamin C... come on, now.

Las Vegas
This season finale brought out my TV Tourettes. Among the things I yelled at the screen were "Watch out now — Nikki Cox is about to emote!" and "Dayumm. How much does being a valet pay?" Hey, what can I say? My neighbors already think I'm crazy.

But, anyway (warning: I feel a rant coming), this episode was juicy-great.

When "The Corps" called and Danny didn't hesitate to start "getting his affairs in order," I had patriotic tears in my eyes. And what didn't Lt. McCoy get done before shipping out? Let's revisit. In one night Danny distributes all his important possessions — just in case he doesn't come back from the war. He also helps Mary through an unexpected reunion with the father who molested her; figures out that the ATMs are the source of the mysterious counterfeit bills; clocks a grab-and-dash robber; overhears the confession of a crooked lawyer and literally catches the counterfeiters. Then he has romantic farewell sex with Mary. Whew! Forget the Army. The Marines really can get a lot done before 9 am. I mean, it was all Danny McCoy all the time.

The only thing I didn't like about this episode was how Mike Cannon — who has an advanced engineering degree — seemed so eager to keep being the Montecito's humble servant. "Contrary to what people think, I actually like being a valet," he told Big Ed after Ed offered him Danny's job. Later in the ep, Mike just figured out that Danny would be spending the night at Mary's and waited for him in the parking lot so he could drive his buddy to the airport. I know they're friends. And that's what friends do. But, when combined with the valet remark, it reeked of "Mister McCoy, I'z sho' gon' miss you."

CSI: Miami
So Creepy Caruso goes to New York because he promised a 16-year-old girl whose parents were brutally murdered "a peace of mind." Yes folks, this is the episode that doubles as the spinoff pilot for CSI: New York. And, oh, it was on like neckbone. I loved it — for good and bad reasons. Seriously. Did you notice how...

1. ...Creepy C just "appeared," hands — of course! — on hips on the crime scene in New York, then nodded and literally disappeared after they solved the crime at the end. Yeah, that was subtle. I get it: Caruso is the crime-solving avenger. CSI hero, extraordinaire.

2. ...the sun shines differently in the Big Apple. When C.C. left Miami, it was all warm hues and nice. But in New York, the same rays had blue and gray tints — because, apparently, everything, including the sunshine is gritty in NYC.

3. ...the New York CSIs are way too in-your-face. Melina Kanakaredes' character actually stopped paramedics as they were wheeling a victim to the ambulance to take a picture of the stab wounds on the guy's back. And when the paramedic called her on it, pointing out that life-saving takes precedence over evidence collecting, she power-tripped saying something like, "What I'm doing may help prevent a crime." What?! (I was too busy yelling at the TV to write down the exact words.)

4. ...medical examiner may be replacing judge and head detective as the designated black actor role. In Miami, Khandi Alexander has this part and in New York it's The Handler grad Hill Harper. At least Harper doesn't caress the corpses as he investigates their wounds.

5. ...the body count was up. Way up. They killed five people in this episode. I think that might be the highest of any CSI! (Not that I'm excited about that or anything.)

Real World-Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno
Go Katie! The Road Rules team has repeatedly tried to kick this girl out. And, in the beginning, I could see their point. She really was the team's weakest link. But, like a nasty rash, Katie keeps upping her game and surviving their wicked challenges and attempts at sabotage. Tonight, when it mattered most, she did it again. And I ain't gon' lie, I cheered like it was the Super Bowl. If anybody deserves a chance at the money, it's Katie. Too bad she nearly blew it by almost coming to blows with the show's evil Veronica. Yeah, I can't stand that girl, too. But that's another story. For now, it's "Go Katie! Shake your booty. Do the victory dance. Move your body!"