Blue Collar TV
Just when I thought WB couldn't come up with something worse than last season's abysmally unfunny and utterly insulting The Help, the Frog network serves up this embarrassing turd unsuccessfully disguised as a sketch-comedy show. Don't get me wrong, I think Jeff Foxworthy's stand-up routines are a hoot and I seem to recall that his earlier family sitcom was relatively amusing. But literally the only thing that made me even consider laughing during tonight's debut was an entry from his preestablished "Redneck Dictionary": Handsome — "Handsome of that sunscreen over here." The rest of the skits revolved around an all-gravy eatery, stuffing various personal effects into a corpse's casket, obese parents confronting their daughter about evidence of dieting and exercise in her room, and last and certainly least, three young brothers (played by Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and the repulsive Larry the Cable Guy) doing vile things in the backseat of a car. If this is blue-collar TV, I'd hate to see what white-trash TV would come up with.

Big Brother 5
Obviously Holly had to go tonight or the Project DNA Twin Twist would have fizzled like a damp Fourth of July sparkler. (Although it would have served that blasphemer Adria right to get the boot after quoting a Bible passage about punishing liars and blathering on about righteousness when she herself is blatantly deceiving the rest of the houseguests.) Poor Jase. I guess the only adoring face he'll be seeing from now on will be in the mirror. Although in light of his mother's comments about his narcissistic behavior before the cameras started rolling and the constant preening he's been doing since he moved in, I suspect he prefers it that way.

Last Comic Standing
Winner of the Night: imaginary Tiny Tim-Steven Wright love child Jay London, who was chosen by viewers to round out the final six contestants.
Loser of the Night: a tie between host Jay Mohr and me. Jay because he came dangerously close to Ryan Seacrest territory by dragging out the reveal of the winner for 25 minutes and four commercial breaks; me for sitting through it all to find out which comic won.

Celebrity Poker Showdown
Despite the fact that hotshot chef Bobby Flay was dressed like a chorus member from the revival of Guys & Dolls, luck was not a lady tonight.

Graham Norton Effect
Oh, no they didn't! Not only did Norton get 10 male audience members to make wax molds of a certain part of their anatomy, said molds were fashioned into candles, placed on a cake and blown out by none other than TV Guide Channel's very own Joan Rivers (the first guest I've seen keep up with Norton, by the way). I have to admit I laughed out loud, but part of me silently feared Ms. Rivers might get too close to the flames and unintentionally re-create the opening of the Ark of the Covenant scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. And who knew legendary spitfire Shannen Doherty was so demure? I haven't seen that much blushing since Tammy Faye Messner's stint on The Surreal Life. She was pretty accurate when she told Norton that most women wake up looking like hell, although I actually resemble the Heatmiser.

Democratic National Convention
OK. [deep breath] First of all, I am acutely aware that few topics incite peoples' raw emotions as politics does. Second, I'm not afraid to admit that I am pitifully undereducated in the parties' platforms and agendas. So, with those two facts in mind — and in order to avoid a flurry of scathing e-mails deriding my position on the upcoming election — I'm not even going to pretend to analyze John Kerry's nomination acceptance speech. You want analysis, go to CNN, Chris Matthews or your therapist. All I will say is that many things the man said got me thinking, which is a very good thing considering that I have now entered that stage of my life (single thirtysomething female desperately struggling to achieve middle-class status) where policies will have a direct effect on my everyday existence and I need to take an active role in shaping my future instead of allowing others to mold it for me.

So, it's 10:58, the party's over and I'm about to step outside for some fresh air when I am stopped in my tracks by the Quote of the Night (and quite possibly Ever): "Balloons! Balloons! Balloons!... No confetti yet! We need more balloons!... What's happening with the balloons?! What the f--- are you guys doing up there?!" — an apparently frustrated (and obviously microphone oblivious) stage director frantically trying to get his crew to release the thousands of balloons corralled in the rafters above the crowd.

God bless America.