Bernie Mac
"You know she's a like a play-cousin to me," Bernie told Wanda about his new friend Lynette. Play-cousin. I haven't heard that term since I was 12. Lord, sometimes this show makes me want to call home.

The Venus Divine Commercial
"Reveal the goddess in you..." So what are they trying to say, that goddesses don't have hairy parts? I don't know about that. Some Hindu goddesses have, like, eight arms. Ain't no way they're shaving all those pits.

Bernie Mac: The Second Episode
Oh, I get it. First a queen of comedy guest starred on a king of comedy's show. (How sweet.) Now Ashton Kutcher's sitting witty on the "prankster" episode. (How apropos.) Seriously America, what's with all the guest stars on tonight's two episodes — Mo'Nique, Dr. Phil, Flavor Flav, Ashton Kutcher and Carl Reiner? Have I jumped forward in time? Is it, like, sweeps or something?

The Target Baby Commercial Nibble baby. Scribble baby. Zoom baby. Oh, look-how-cute babies... This commercial makes my ovaries hurt.

The Second Venus Divine Commercial
"Comfort-coated blades..."
"Moisture strips..."
You've got to be kidding me.

Miss USA Fear Factor
Six Colgate smiles and rhinestone tiaras... Looks like NBC's not even trying to be subtle about their cross-promotion. Just like host Joe Rogan's not even trying to not mock the Miss USA pageant contestants. Y'all know that's one little man who gets on my nerves. But the way he was messing with the contestants tonight had me rollin'. The little remarks he made, the way he danced with Miss Michigan and taunted Miss New York. He wasn't even pretending to respect their pageant accomplishments. "Whatever you do, don't get any of that slimy mess on your sash," he told Miss Alabama (who eventually won the Miss Fear Factor crown). Riiiight.

Oh, as an aside: Did ya'll notice how they never ID the states in the commercials for this episode? Well, I got the scoop. (hey, working at TV Guide has its TV Geek privileges.) A Fear Factor insider told me they couldn't show which states the contestants were from in the commercials to keep from prejudicing the judges. Sounds ridiculous until you see who the judges are. Let me shut up now because I'm probably going to have to interview some of these people later.

And, as a second aside... These ladies competed for a $50,000 charitable donation. That's so sweet. But I'm sorry. If I have to eat slimy sea urchin or whatever I ain't giving that money away. I'll walk for charity. I'll dance for charity. But Rochell does not gag down gross food for free.

Toni's got pickpocket talents. What?! OK. Time for a confession: Pickpocketing is one of the naughty skills I've always wanted to learn. Think of how useful that would be — that and picking locks. Maybe they teach that at the Learning Annex. Hmmmm. Wait. I digress. Tonight's episode worked my nerves. Joan dipping dogs at a wiener stand. Toni with the bad hair — again. I tried to fast forward but couldn't. Why? Oh, right. I'm watching this in real time.

The Pampers Commercial
What's with all these baby commercials? For real. Is God trying to tell me something?

Half & Half
And of course this show opens with Lil' Dee Dee and Mona making a mobile for their new baby brother, Drew. Come on, now. It's not funny!

Five Dutch chocolate cookies and 21 Weight Watchers points later...
At least producers got the sibling-rivalry thing right. But the church thing... Oh puh-leeze. You know there are too many men in that congregation. I mean, let's get real. A black church with a widower reverend... That house would be full of single women. I mean, let's tell the truth here. Nothing packs the pews like a single man of God. OK?

The Venus Divine Commercial — Again
Dang! This is the third time they've shown this commercial tonight. So what if I don't have divinely smooth skin. Or a husband. Or babies. Enough already!

The Swan
Matt Roush forgive me. But I kinda like this show. For the evilest of reasons, I'll admit, but I do. I know. I know. It represents the absolute lowest form of entertainment today. But hear me out.
1. The Swan's corny, melodramatic narration is out of control.
2. The doc squad is horror-show creepy. You'd think they were making these experts up. But they're not. The scene where they discuss 23-year-old soldier girl Kristy Garza's face and come up with an 18-point "Swan Plan" (that's 18 different surgical procedures!) for her body is straight out of a mad scientists convention. And my phone was ringing off the hook during Cristina from Ecuador's segment. When Cristina talked about the physical things that made her unhappy, she only mentioned her belly. Only. Dr. Terry J. Dubrow's response was brutal. "Your nose has a hump and it's too wide." Then he opens her gown. "So let's talk about your breasts," he adds. "Your breasts are deflated and they're droopy." Ouch. Funny how a show supposedly about improving women's self-esteem actually destroys it.
3. It's pure M.E.L.O.D.R.A.M.A. "I don't know how to dress," soldier girl cried. "I don't know what to do with my hair. [Cue the tears.] I can tell jokes. But I don't want to be the funny girl all the time." And don't even get me started on her post-op session with the therapist...
4. Oh, and here's the best thing: It's like a study of insanity. Theirs and mine. These women are crazy out-their-minds to let these people cut up their bodies. And, I'm just going to say it, watching them makes me feel superior. I look at them and think, hey, I've got issues. But I am so not that bad. Actually, in comparison, I've kinda got things going on. Yeah, me!
5. Oh, and one more thought about The Swan. These women are all ultra unhappy with the way they look. They're so unsatisfied it's almost like a social handicap. And, yet — you can predict where I'm going with this — they're all married. With kids. In fact, Cristina from Ecuador found a "very nice American boy" three months after she got to this country. How does that happen? Seriously. And isn't ridiculously low self-esteem and wicked insecurity supposed to be a turn-off? I'm just saying. And begging: Forgive me Matt Roush.

Real World/Road Rules: The Inferno
Poor Katie. How awful must it be to know your own team is throwing a mission to get rid of you. This season is cutthroat!

I Want a Famous Face
OK. The Swan made me think plastic surgeons were the narcissistic scum of the medical world. But this show makes me know it. Not only is this doctor gladly taking $15,000 to start changing this young man into a young woman. (I know gender identification is a complicated issue not to be taken lightly.) But he's also changing Michael J. Tito into Jessica — the J.Lo wannabe. This is really scary. He cut that boy up and sent him home wrapped like mummy not so he could be a better version of himself, but so he could look like a celebrity — forever. There's no network-sponsored therapist. No nurse. No "mental support" team. I know Famous Face and Swan are cut from the same cloth. And don't ask me to explain how I could like one terrible show but hate this one. I don't know. This one just makes me feel dirty.