Why was Bernie's little devil clean as the board of health? Think about it. The fact that his inner voice is always dressed to kill must say something important about him. And it's not necessarily a good thing. Hmmm... But poor Bernie. Brotherman was just trying to get a little peace and quiet. Or, as he likes to call it, "a day off." But there's no rest for "Uncle Bernie." You gotta love him for trying to get some, though. You've also gotta love his boys for not letting him off the hook with Juanita and the kids. That man knows he had some nerve sneaking off to Vegas at night. (Goodness gracious, I love that this show is on Monday nights!)
Forget the Bundys. Lesley and Ted Shackleton are officially the most twisted parents on television. Their crazy competitive streak and fear that Tanner will be an artist was over the top. But it didn't crack me up. In fact, this show has me convinced that creator Mike White is a sick puppy. That man sees the world through twisted, mud-stained glasses. And his vision — and Tanner's damaged little family — just makes me sad.
The Victoria's Secret Commercial
I must be getting sick because that looks like Bob Dylan. And he looks all vampire-y and hot.
Some folks can fit a lot in 22 minutes. Take tonight's Girlfriends, for example. In less than 30 minutes the writers...
1. Gave Toni the worst wig ever.
2. Had Joan and co. completely make over Lynn's new apartment in one evening. How can I be down? Seriously. My friends love me but I live in Brooklyn, which means that I would have to lie, cheat and steal to get three of them to come over at the same time to help me paint. But I digress.
3. Hit the jackpot by having Maya discover her inner Iyanla Vanzant and start writing a self-help sure-to-be-beauty-shop bestseller titled Oh, Hell Yes!.
4. Turned Lynn into an accidental truth-speaking sage who had more power in Joan's life than anyone could've imagined. (More on that later.)
5. Nearly gave me a heart attack by having Joan quit her job. The partners offered her a promotion — aka the suite — and instead of taking it, Joan chose to hit the street. (I'm channeling my inner Donald Trump. Can you tell?) As Maya would say, "Oh, hell no!" Girlfriend is seriously out of her mind. Instead of being Joan Carol Clayton, Esq., she's going to be broke-ass Joan trying to flip houses or open a tea cafe or be yet another interior decorator. Riiiiight. And all because she doesn't "crave" her job. If loving your job means you have to "crave" it and think about it when you're in the shower, then I'm in trouble. Shoot. We're all in trouble. And we don't need an existential crisis brought on by this show.
Note to the writers: You'd better fix this next week. I'm not kidding.
Half & Half
Look up "cut" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of a shirtless Shemar Moore. Unfortunately, he can also be cross-referenced under "Vain," "Queer Eyed" and "über metrosexual." But I wouldn't close the door on him. Shoot. I'd probably do what the Deedees did and hire him as my nanny. And, like the Deedees, I'd also have to fire the man. Watching him sing to and coddle my baby... it would be too much. Is that wrong?
Yeah, yeah, I know it is. But that, I think, is the difference between men and women. Men would have no problem fantasizing about their hot nanny. They might even tip her and find ways to give her extra hours. But women would feel guilty. Why? Because lusting after your hot nanny is emotional cheating. And it's wrong. That's the truth of this episode. That reminds me. I have to cancel my appointment with the hot chiropractor. I don't have time to go into how I got the appointment in the first place. Let me just say that I knew, like the Deedees, that I could not have that fine man bending over me.
Caruso quote of the night: "Judge trumps journalist." Thanks. Now I know where I stand in the legal world.
The Paxil Commercial
If my name tag reads "Hello My Name is Naughty," could this drug help me?
Average Joe: Adam Returns
Oh, people. If you missed tonight's episode, you missed a good one. And it sucks to be you. Adam went into full man-slut mode. Tracilee lost it. Brian Worth cried and Jennifer Lifshitz got eliminated. It was not cute. Actually, the episode ticked me off. Here's why: Look. I'm sorry. But I need to make another list. So...
1. Adam blatantly manipulated the stocks challenge so he could get a date with Samantha. That wasn't fair. I mean, I know it's his show, but if he wanted to go out with her so badly, he should have just asked. He didn't have to embarrass another contestant by making Samantha win at her expense.
2. After the Janes saw the Average Joe promo where Adam kissed every girl he "dated," not one of them chose to eliminate him. And I don't understand why. Some of them were clearly hurt and disgusted by his behavior, yet they rationalized it away. Why?!!! I mean, seriously. If kissing is such an important factor in determining who stays and who goes, then why didn't they just all line up and submit to a kiss test? Huh? Huh! That's what I thought. It would have made my day if one of those women had told Adam to kiss off. Just one!
3. Oh, Jennifer Lifshitz... Girl. The L.S.E. (low self-esteem) moments were just too raw. Who hurt you like that? Seriously. I know I said some mean things in the past but I've got your back now. You need me to help you sugar a tank, slash some tires... what? We can get the guy who did this to you. There is no reason you have to continue being emotional roadkill.
4. Rachel used "star struck" in reference to Brian Worth. Speaking of which... Poor Brian. Watching the AJ: Hawaii finale with all those women... fighting back tears. Man. This was a tough night. I hope they paid you well for that.
The Late Show with David Letterman
Janet Jackson is my girl. But I don't know what she was thinking, going on Letterman's show. Let's review, shall we? First Letterman made fun of her in his monologue. Then when she took a seat next to him, he asked her no less than a dozen times if the Super Bowl halftime incident was an accident. "Dave, you're going to make me relive this," she cried. She tried to be coy, to flirt (thumb to her lip) and dodge the question, but he was relentless. "So it was an accident?" he asked (eyeing her breasts). "It was completely an accident? It didn't look like an accident." Sure his interrogation was funny. But it was also brutal. And uncalled for.