Bachelor in Paradise's 18th week of Tia and Colton drama started with the thrilling(?) conclusion to Tia and Chris, which saw Tia calling him out for saying he was all in on her and then kissing Krystal. Tia swore a lot. I have no problem with people swearing, but it was a lot of bleeps for a TV-14 show, is all. Krystal thought the whole thing was funny.

"We're like literally in a triangle right now," she said. Chris came off very badly with the insincerity. He's really full of goose poop, one of the worst kinds of poop there is!

Then I got distracted for 15 seconds looking at a fake Wheel of Fortune Twitter account and when I looked back up Krystal was crying about something and I couldn't tell what. I think it was about being torn between Chris and Jordan, two dumb guys. (Chris is dumber.)

And then Tia decided she still wants to date Colton. TIA, STOP. WE DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS ANYMORE.

And then Jacqueline from Arie's season arrived. Hi, Jacqueline! Kendall and Jenna encouraged her to go out with Colton. Jacqueline pulled Colton aside, and Tia saw it and had a meltdown about how she literally could not. This is the FOURTH EPISODE. This exhausting storyline has been going on since the premiere. Eight hours of Tia and Colton.

But Colton told her he couldn't put the effort in. Ouch! "Well, that sucked," Jacqueline said. Very rare that someone gets turned down in Paradise. You dodged a bullet, Jacqueline.

Colton went and talked to Tia and told her that he didn't want to go out with someone else while he and Tia still have "whatever... this is." He admitted he was thinking about leaving. She said she felt insecure. He tried to hug her, and she wouldn't hug him back. TIA, LITERALLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU WERE CRYING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WANTED HIM FIVE MINUTES AGO AND NOW HE'S TELLING YOU HE STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR YOU. Don't be impossible.

Jacqueline used her date card on Kenny — "I don't care that she asked Colton first." — and Annaliese was very sad. She likes Kenny. Jacqueline and Kenny's date was nice. Jacqueline speaks Slovak! Kenny and Jacqueline are smart, nice and they had a good time.

But then Annaliese made an aggressive move on Kenny when they got back. She gave him dessert, and he took his shirt off because he was "hot." They kissed, and Jacqueline might not have anyone to give her rose to.

Venmo John is in a love triangle with Caroline and Jubilee. Shoutout to Venmo John!

Krystal and Chris talked about "IRA Roths," and I didn't enjoy it. They're actually perfect for each other. They're full of it in the same transparently narcissistic way.

Bibiana isn't dating anyone, so she's just become everyone's fairy godmother. She encouraged Colton to stop complicating things and just pick Tia.

"People are just over it," Chris said, correct for the first time on this show. "Let us enjoy Paradise." And then, finally, Colton said "enough of this" and chose Tia. Wait, so they're really doing this?

Between Evan, Ashley I. and Tia, Bachelor in Paradise is really making the case that wearing people down into they fall in love with you is a viable dating strategy. Not the best message, but hey!

Jordan showed up to the rose ceremony wearing a two-piece floral suit? Very bold choice! Jenna liked it. She asked him to do Zoolander walks and she loved it. They're kinda the best couple here? They're very well matched.

Caroline had a nice conversation with John, and she thought everything was good, and then Jubilee gave him a massage. Haha! "Shut the f--- up!" Caroline said when she found out. She just doesn't have the juice like Jubes. John's abs are ridiculous.

Bibiana made a last-ditch effort to stay by talking to Kenny, and Kenny just went for it and started kissing her. Kenny has kissed three women this week. Kenny and Jacqueline talked about Edgar Allen Poe on Bachelor in Paradise. To me, that's cool. He and Annaliese wrestled in luchador costumes, which kinda tipped it that he was going to choose her.

David, who sucks, gave Jenna a bigger dog stuffed animal than Jordan gave her because David will do anything producers tell him. And then Jordan walked in out of nowhere, didn't say anything, grabbed the dog and went and threw it in the ocean. Very forced. Very inauthentic. Doesn't serve Bachelor in Paradise to do obviously scripted storylines. But I guess I'm in the minority, because people on Twitter liked it.

Jordan has had a lovely redemption storyline. He was right to be mad at Jenna for playing along with that. But then he started bugging out on Chelsea and Jubilee for no obvious reason? Chelsea and Jubilee were confused. Was there something we didn't see? Annaliese went and told him it wasn't okay to disrespect women like that. Eric joined her and said he should apologize. Shoutout to Annaliese and Eric for standing up for justice. Maybe let's pump the brakes on Jordan's redemption narrative. Jordan has a dark side that's not far from the surface.

Eric asked Jordan to apologize, and he did. All right. Then it was time for the rose ceremony. Jordan gave his rose to Jenna, and she accepted. "Even the nicest neighborhoods have speed bumps," Jordan said. All right! David gave his rose to Chelsea. Kevin and Astrid are very solid. Chris and Krystal are whatever. Venmo John likes Jubes more than Caroline. Grocery Joe and Kendall got no screentime at all this week. Colton and Tia will torture us for another week. Eric and Angela, OK! And Kenny gave his rose to Annaliese. Jacqueline got sent home on her birthday. It's hard to get to Paradise so late. Bibi, Nysha and Caroline got sent home, too. Aww. Don't worry, you're all still great!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.