The Bachelor
First off, to all the Johnny Depp fans I offended with last week's O.C. column, let me just say this: Uncle! I get it. I'm sorry. He's not dirty. He's very talented and quirky. I'm just mean and jealous and bitter and not Christ-like. Whatever. Can we stop with the nasty e-mails? After all, there is so much more with which to concern ourselves than the bathing habits of Winona's ex. Like Charlie O'Connell's taste in women. Um, hello? That little voice warning you about Sarah W.? Listen to it! Cripes, it's obviously not the girls in the house who have made the self-proclaimed "diva" the way she is. You've gotta put a lot more work into it to reach that level of crazy, OK? Lying about telling little Sara B. that she wasn't going make the final four like that. I tells ya, maybe it's the stress of the hometown dates, but these people are as romantic as a makeout session between Ann Coulter and... well, anyone. I mean, Charlie's all "I really like Sara B." to her sister... while staring at the woman's boobs! Dude, they don't do tricks. Look up, aiight? Have some class. You too, Kimberley. Even if the ousted Jenny pulled a Trash, I mean Trish from last season by crashing your drinks out, that's not a reason to ditch Chuckles to chill with that ex of yours she brought along. That's why God invented restraining orders. (Though, honestly, now that she's outta there, I need to know about her "Kim Wild" rep up there in Canada. So if anyone's feelin' a little bitchy, you know how to get me.) And then there's the nightmare of Krisily. Funny, all this time I was afraid the raspy "salon coordinator" — that's fancy talk for "receptionist" to you and me — was mortifying the folks back home with her evilness. Turns out they're just as embarrassing, only in a totally sweet way. Which means either they bought her online or that she's really a sweet girl faking it for the cameras. And if that's the case, Crassily doesn't have a future with our fella, anyway. Not after he realizes that she's a better actor than he is. — Damian J. Holbrook

So how freaking cool was Chloe? I always suspected an inner Terminator (Chloenator?) was lurking behind that geeky, furrowed brow. After this nightmare (she was chased, shot at and rammed with a car!), she's got enough Jack-like experience to join him in the field. That's if she can stop making goo-goo eyes at him. (Poor Edgar. I still think he's crushing on Chloe big time. After all, he offered to take her place out in the field. Imagine him with a rifle? And Mr. Arrogant actually told Chloe she's the best analyst at CTU. Too bad he got an "I know" and not a "Thank you." Oh, unrequited love....) Anyway, Chloe did great under pressure, way better than Lame Logan and Nice Guy Novik. Why the hell did he have to tell the president that Bauer tortured Prado? (Yeah, I know, he deceived one president and wasn't going to try it again. But he knows this president is totally ineffective and was blowing CTU's mission. What's the worst that could happen?) President Logan could not have been more of an idiot, demanding the arrest of Jack in the middle of the mission to capture Marwan. Nice one! Logan is my only complaint in an otherwise great season. The character is practically a parody of himself, pouting and stomping his foot like Will Forte as Bush on SNL. "I'm the president of the United States! I will not tolerate this insubordination!" He's so ridiculous, you have to laugh. Yeah, his ineptitude paved the way for Palmer, but there must've been a better, cleverer path for his return. Let's just hope he does something helpful and fast. — Robin Honig

I am so with Amy on this one. She busted her butt to get Ephram another Juilliard audition and he blows it, and her, off in one fell swoop to go see a kid that he may or may not have any real interest in. I get that he's ticked off that no one told him that he was a father, but he scoffed at Andy last week for his narrow-minded reasoning, thinking he was always right, and then turns around and pretty much does the same thing. So Amy hid the fact that she knew about Madison's pregnancy from him a little bit. Obviously she was right not to tell him before the audition, as he clearly can't handle the truth. But if Amy and Ephram are over for real this time, I have no doubt the perky gal will land an Ivy League hottie next season. But for now, I think she needs to get her mom an appointment. at her dad's practice, because Everwood's mayor's been sick forever. And maybe in her spare time, Eph's ex could find some time for her best friend, Hannah, who is clearly conflicted about religion and dating. Meanwhile, Andy continues to annoy me and Nina — the voice of reason — with his confrontational tone, especially toward Dr. Dimples, who really did nothing to deserve it. Thankfully, Doc Brown's bossy neighbor put him on the straight and narrow... now if only Amy or someone could get mopey Ephram to get his act together. — Angel Cohn

Las Vegas
Ah, TV's equivalent of munching a packet of sugar, and I couldn't be happier. It starts with Mike giving himself a shot of breath spray when, as far as I know, nobody's carried a tube of that stuff in, oh, 30 years. I thought we'd all switched to those odd plastic-y strips. (What? I can't use plastic-y as an adjective? They just said "explode-ier" in a Fear Factor promo, for cryin' out loud.)

Those geeks have a pretty good scam going with that cleavage-peeking, flying cam-bot, provided, of course, that nobody thinks much of a Dodger-dog-size blue dragonfly tooling around overhead. Which, this being Las Vegas, they don't, since it would mean missing out on all those down-the-dress shots.

Anyway, why do I have "I love to sing-a, about the moon-a and the June-a and Rumspringa" stuck in my head? Oh, got it. Amish cousin Seth. Who I don't buy is Amish for a second. But again, that doesn't matter when the Las Vegas powers-that-be know their audience so well. Why worry about realism when you can show an Amish guy doing a body shot off some poolside slut?

Only it turns out that's not just any slut. She's cousin Seth's Amish fianc&#233e slut. Fooled me, I'll admit. And I have to say, I'm pretty sure this is the first time any series I've ever heard of has managed to combine Rumspringa and vampires in the same episode. Or even the same series. Or network, even. Wait... Amish vampires. There's definitely a screenplay in there somewhere. — Michael Peck

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