Average Joe
Zach, you got what you deserved. When Melana whipped off that mask to reveal that what you called a DUFF (Dumb Ugly Fat Friend) was actually the top prize in disguise, your face said it all. We almost felt sorry for you when Melana called you forward to tell you she hoped you had learned your lesson, but the little temper tantrum after you were discarded and the whining about how "this isn't reality" put a quick end to the pity party. Bye-bye.

Adam, you scored big points at every turn, especially for making Melana cry with that soliloquy about feeling like a giddy teenager whenever you're around her. If that was just a line, it was a good one, but I think it was honest 'cause something tells me you're a horrible liar. Obviously Melana agrees. It looks like you're in a good position to pull an upset worthy of Seabiscuit and debunk the adage that says nice guys always finish last. My money says this one doesn't finish second, either.

Which brings us to Jason. What is your secret?! Melana can't stop sucking on your face. It got so bad in the limo that we had to read subtitles to understand what you guys were saying. Now, if you can manage to use your lips and tongue to form words to express your feelings, you just might have a chance.

Old Navy commercial
It took me a good ten seconds to recognize hip-hop hottie Lil' Kim. I think it had something to do with the fact that she was wearing clothes.

The Tonight Show
Call it "Dances With Samurai," but there's something very familiar about Tom Cruise's latest film. He's a Civil War soldier who is captured and assimilated by an enemy whose culture contradicts everything he's been taught. How do you say 'Tuh-tonka' in Japanese? The fifteen-second clip, with Cruise slicing and dicing his way through a handful of sword-wielding bad guys, played like something out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Hot stuff. Too bad Jay Leno's interview with Cruise was only lukewarm. Leno barreled through a barrage of questions about Thanksgiving dinner and Cruise's technique when it comes to playing Hide &#038 Seek. Maybe he was trying to dig beneath the surface a la Barbara Walters and reveal a side of Mr. Hollywood that few of us have seen. But Leno is no Walters, and even Cruise seemed to be thinking, "Shouldn't we be talking about swordfighting or samurai or how I'm a shoo-in for an Oscar nomination for this film?"

Larry King Live
Linda Tripp explained her part in the infamous impeachment debacle by telling Larry, "I think the country needed to know the arrogance that was going on in the Oval Office." This from a woman who successfully sued the Pentagon for nearly $600,000 after an article in The New Yorker revealed that she'd been arrested as a teenager for grand larceny. Reminds me of my son interrupting a dinner party a few weeks ago to complain that somebody had called him a tattletale.

But whatever you call her, the woman is a survivor. She beat the Pentagon and she recently beat breast cancer, and for that we admire her. Less admirable are some of the questions that King came up with while he was, no doubt, daydreaming about tonight's interview with The Bachelorette sweethearts Trista and Ryan. Speaking to Tripp's daughter about the effects of her mother's chemotherapy, he asks, "Did you see the toenails come off?" Yikes! That leaves us with an image worse than the guzzling of earthworm puree on Fear Factor. Thanks Larry.

Fear Factor
Speaking of earthworm guzzling, Fear Factor may have finally crossed the line with its latest gross-out stunt. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing sexier than a hot young woman sporting a goatee of nightcrawler guts and raising her empty glass high, but what about the worms? Typically, the challenge is for contestants to merely tolerate the presence and occasional taste of these unsavory critters. But to create a wine press in which contestants mash them into a pulp by the thousands... isn't that just a little inhumane? These are living creatures that have blood, a brain and five hearts. They are recyclers of decomposing organic matter who play an integral part in our ecosystem (thank you Mrs. Simms, ninth grade biology). And sure, I've skewered my fair share of worms on the end of a fishhook, but that's different. That was for sustenance, not entertainment. Can't the producers find ways to be cruel to humans without being so cruel to our earthworm friends?

Humanitarian pleas aside, I have to admit it made for good TV. Although you have to wonder how difficult it can be, because none of the four worm sluggers so much as gagged while draining their cups.

Rochell Thomas is on vacation. Today's column was written by Daniel Roberts.