American Idol
This week, we're on Group 4. Simon was dead-on about Suzy Vulaca: "You're a good singer, but forgettable." I don't care if she's from Fiji, with a special pronunciation for her last name. She has no star spark. Plus, this girl's frizz-bomb hairdo looked more attractive on Justin Guarini. As for Utah college boy John Preator, he's cute, but a lousy singer. And his hairline goes all the way back to Provo! That doesn't bode too well for the future. And I hate to slam Heather "New Attitude" Piccinini after Simon called her facial expressions "ugly," but this chick looks like a stripper, no matter what color she dyes her hair. Some of these girls on reality TV just weren't brought up right.

Redhead John Stevens was adorable, but Clay Aiken's already more than filled Idol's geek-makes-good quota, hasn't he? Plus, John looks like he's barely out of puberty, which makes him look silly singing a grown-up tune like "Always a Woman To Me." Who knew this poor kid would spark one of the nastiest debates yet between Ryan and Simon? As for Hawaiian girl Jasmine Trias, I should point out that I used to live in Hawaii. Not everybody was doing the hula, wearing flower leis and doing that special hand-sign thing. So she's a little corny with that stuff, but Jasmine gets props for being gutsy. George Huff was likable, but again, I agree with Simon on his lack of star charisma. Lisa Wilson's pretty — and she likely appealed to ladies-who-wear-Birkenstocks by doing Melissa Etheridge — but she's gotta go. And I'm not even touching Simon's comment about Lisa's big mouth — the Brit stuck his foot in his mouth on that one!

Finally, I wasn't fond of Tiara Purifoy — does everybody have to do Whitney Houston? — but when Simon slammed her, she gave him an evil glare worthy of Sherry Palmer from 24. I still wouldn't bother phoning in a vote for her, or any of these kids.

Forever Eden
Doesn't the title suggest a trashy soap opera? Too bad Eden's just a facsimile of Paradise Hotel. Right down to the snotty British hostess. Basically, a bunch of no-names hang out at a tropical resort, where they act slutty, insult each other and fight over who's getting voted off. What's the point of watching this rubbish? I don't care how hot Craig looks shirtless. It's stupid, boring and life is too short. You want porn? Go rent it. You'll get more skin and smarter dialogue.

America's Next Top Model
Quote of the Night: "This photograph looks like the battery has died in her vibrator." — Janice Dickinson criticizing April's photo shoot results

Seems like every week, Camille — Miss Drama Attitude Troublemaker herself — ends up as one of the last two ladies during the elimination round. You know they do that on purpose. And every week, she's teasingly escaped the chopping block — but not this time in Milan. Ding-dong, the witch is dead! But they should've had that cute Italian guy shuttle her away on the back of his Vespa. It would've softened the blow, don'tcha think?

Hey! Last week, Doug Savant — formerly known as Matt the gay guy from Melrose Place — was the hotel employee on 24. Here, he's the rape victim's cheating husband on Blue! He's a busy guy lately, isn't he? By the way, ABC's promos promised this week's episode — where Tony and Ortiz hook up — would be "provocative." Of course, we had to wait until the last two minutes of the freakin' episode to see their spicy scene, but they did deliver Jacqueline Obradors in lacy thong underwear. So I'm sure many fans would say provocative is right!