American Idol
Oh, Sugar Honey Iced Tea. Since this is my Watercooler night, I'm blessed and cursed with a fourth season of AI. Blessed because it's my job to watch TV. Cursed because it's my job to watch TV — specifically, this festival of really bad singing and mental illness. Oh, who am I kidding? Like y'all, I get a guilty high watching Simon, Paula, Randy — and Sugar Ray frontman turned Extra host Mark McGrath — preside over this train wreck. My fave highlights:

1. Oh,

Jesse. He choked so tragically. Ya know that nightmare we've all had where you turn up at school for a big exam and suddenly can't remember anything you studied and you're gonna fail and be absolutely ruined? He actually lived it, poor bastard.2. Was that poor, crazy queen Derek Braxton really Toni's cousin? If so, he's an even more embarrassing relation than her envious sister, Towanda, who went on NBC's reality soap Starting Over. His lunatic ramblings just cried out for some calm-down meds.3. Karaoke addict Regina Brooks frankly scared me with her raw, naked, tearful desperation — and that hillbilly hubby of hers. Yikes. But I was relieved the 28-year-old could actually sing and made it through to the next round. I was mildly afraid for the judges' safety if she didn't.4. That scratched-up, plus-size crooner Melissa Considine reminds me of an oddball from a John Waters film. She's like Edith Massey trapped in Divine's body. And anyone who doesn't get that reference should go rent Female Trouble, pronto.5. Mary the beauty-school psycho (who looked a bit like Ellen DeGeneres and harbored a crush on McGrath) was truly the craziest of this particularly unbalanced lot of auditioners. I couldn't decide what she needs more: a bottle of ProActiv Solution or holy water!

Gilmore Girls Just noticed something odd about this GG repeat (original episodes begin again next week): Luke introduces himself to Emily Gilmore's housekeeper, saying, "I'm Luke." The domestic staffer responds, "I'm a maid." Then, she quickly scuttles off, looking as if he's crazy for making eye contact with such a lowly sort as herself. What is this — a 1930s movie where the African-Americans just make brief appearances as servants eager to do Massah's bidding and be gone before incurring his displeasure? By the way, where are the black folks in Stars Hollow?

The Amazing Race1. How sad that wrestler Bolo couldn't even pronounce the name of Ethiopia's capitol, Addis Ababa. And Miss Kendra (once again) snottily rolled her eyes at the entire "third world." Later, she says it's "refreshing" that Ethiopians "choose" to be poor, unlike the residents of Dakar. Wow. She makes Simple Life road-tripper Paris Hilton look practically worldly and well informed.2. Adam and Rebecca's airport meltdown — complete with hiding from Race's cameras under their sweatshirt hoods — was ugly. Then, Adam starts freakin' out at the temple — I didn't think My Favorite Martian's voice could get any higher. Again I ask, what are these two doing together?3. Speaking of the temple, is anyone else uncomfortable when reality TV uses sacred holy sites for cheesy game-show stunts?4. And speaking of spirituality, thank God Jonathan and Victoria were Philiminated. As if their constant, abusive bickering and whining weren't bad enough — he didn't even care when she cut her finger — we were forced to watch Jonathan run around in tight red boxer briefs for much of the episode. Not an attractive sight! These two were so horrible and snappish the whole time — how exactly did they find themselves "connected at the soul" at the end? Sounds tr&#233s phony to me, unless Victoria means they're both damned now. They should truly be ashamed of their behavior. Tsk, tsk.

Law & Order: SVU I am weirded out by this week's bizarro story. Lemme get this straight: A 14-year-old twin brother and sister are played by the same young actor, Reiley McClendon. One twin gets raped and bites the gangsta rapist's privates in self-defense, sending the creep staggering off a building to his death. Then, they think the female twin is a lesbian. Wait, she's not a lesbian, she's really male. Only she doesn't know she was born a boy 'cause they did a sex reassignment when she/he was a baby and she's been getting estrogen treatments without her knowledge for years. Then, we learn the twins' doctor is also their molester. And then, one twin murders the doc and spits on him, but since their DNA's identical, the cops can't tell whodunit. Please, somebody hand me an Advil.