American Idol
The early auditions are finally over, and that means the end of the train wrecks. Oh, no, I spoke too soon  there's

Dave Hoover. How did he manage to get through were the judges

that desperate for comic relief? He appropriately does Meatloaf's "Bat out of Hell." I got a kick out of the skinniest guy in the competition and his bizarre take on the classic rock tune. Meatloaf? More like Chicken Bone. Much more shocking was the chopping of the 17-year-old Simmons twins. I guess the Brittenum boys fill this year's twin roles, but I was getting a bit sick of them going off on all the other contestants. That's the job of us folks at home! Who knows how long they'll be around with their real-life prison sentences getting in the way of possible future chart success? It was funny how they dissed Carrie Underwood, and then Ryan Seacrest reminded us that Carrie went double platinum. And how many times has original Idol and Grammy winner Kelly Clarkson gone platinum? About as many times as Ryan has visited the salon to get highlights in his hair. Lots of people got through, and many more were cut and then broke down and cried, like "ladies' man" Ronnie "R.J." Norman. Dude, now you can go home and impress the girls with your 15 seconds of fame. The obligatory Hollywood sightseeing tour also got a highlight, but did anyone else think the Day 2 contestants got hosed? The Magic Castle? Oooh, why not just take them to the local Target and let them run gleefully through the luggage aisle? Now that Idol is moving along, familiar elements are popping up: Randy Jackson used "dawg" twice in one sentence, Paula Abdul finally started her vendor-monkey-with-cymbals clapping for the wannabes, and contestants are blaming illness for sour notes. My favorite excuse came from the guy who accused the microphone of being the cause for a wretched performance. Yeah, somebody turned it on.    Ken McGilvray   

Why do so many people make fools of themselves on Idol? Find out here.