Kristin Cavallari, <EM>Get This Party Started</EM> Kristin Cavallari, Get This Party Started
American IdolAh, the final night of auditions in my hometown, Boston, Mass. Did my old stomping ground make me proud? Well, no. Simon Cowell caused people to cry, swear and make rude threats, all at the same time. Usually only Boston traffic can elicit such a response. This audition was all about

Kenneth "Dare to Be Cher" Maccarone and Michael "Clay for a Day" Sandecky. Kenneth, you may not have the wigs, Botox or butt tattoos (thank god), but you are Cher. No need getting grumpy at the judges for pointing it out. Wear it well, wear it proud and someday you'll have your own Oscar for your very own Moonstruck. As for Idol's own Clay Aiken doppelganger, I loved when another contestant asked him to tone it down and Michael said he had no "down button." Sadly, he had no "off button," either. Really, I think most people learn to stop blaming their issues on "having to pee" once they celebrate birthday No. 5. Rebecca, aka Hot Twin No. 1, didn't do a horrible job with "Black Velvet," but Hot Twin No. 2 doing perfectly timed choreography in the corner just made me think of an insane stage mother. And then there was Irada, with a flower in her hair, fire in her eyes and cruel malice in her voice. Somehow, I don't think "Chain of Fools" needs an uncoordinated bump and grind accompaniment. Even though we never saw Simon say "yes" to anyone (he must be a Yankee fan), 28 people managed to make it through the final audition. Kevin Covais belted out an impressive and solid Josh Groban tune I did not expect that voice to come out of that kid. I also thought Tatiana was cool. What's wrong with poodles anyway, Mr. Cowell? As for the rest of the auditions, a wise group from Boston named 'Til Tuesday once sang: "Hush, hush, keep it down now. Voices carry." Ken McGilvray

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