Death stalked the halls of the Cortez this week on American Horror Story: Hotel.
Unable to continue on without Tristan (Finn Wittrock), Liz (Denis O'Hare) decides she wants to end it all. Iris (Kathy Bates) hops on board the suicide train too, since her "one true love," her son Donovan (Matt Bomer), doesn't love her back. But before they go, Iris and Liz decide to take care of any unfinished business that might keep them hanging around. For Iris, that means canceling a few magazine subscriptions. For Liz, that means making amends with her son, Douglas, whom she hasn't spoken to since coming to live at the Cortez in 1984. Talk about too little, too late, amirite?
With Liz too afraid to do it herself, Ms. Evers (Mare Winningham) invites Douglas to stay at the Cortez for a week, but warns the bartender that her son might not be too understanding towards Liz's gender identity. Understandably, Liz is shaking like a leaf when Douglas arrives at the bar, unable to recognize his own father. The duo make pleasant small talk, but Liz never builds up the nerve to reveal her identity.
Liz and Iris later get Ms. Evers a washer and dryer as a goodbye present, but just as they were about to go off themselves, Ms. Evers reminds Liz that her son is waiting for her at the bar. (Really tip-top making amends, Liz. Great parenting.) Liz goes to finally tell Douglas who she is, but it turns out he's known the entire time. And he doesn't care that his father is a woman, because he "really learned something when Pedro died on The Real World."
After this heart-to-heart, Liz decides to call off her suicide pact with Iris. She's super bummed because she already worked really hard on a tribute video for herself and was really set on dying. However, after a rousing pep talk from Liz, the duo agree that they should do as Beyonce says and run the world instead.
Meanwhile, Natasha (Alexandra Daddario) visits the Countess (Lady Gaga) at the Cortez, while Donovan breaks into Valentino's motel room. Each pair then has their own version of a pissing contest, both of which quickly escalate only to end abruptly when Valentino and Natasha attempt to bring knives to gunfights. Donovan shoots Valentino to get the Countess, who is simultaneously shooting Natasha to get Valentino. Where was the Alanis Morissette lyric about that?
Over in crazy town, John (Wes Bentley) has continued to work his way through the 10 Commandment murders, now with only one more to go. But before he can finish off his side project, John decides he must confront his wife. So Alex (Chloe Sevigny) and John meet for the lamest face off of all time. John says he's mad Alex pretended their son Holden wasn't alive and that she purposefully attempted to make John think he's insane. Both good, valid points. However, without even a real apology from Alex, John forgives her with a mere shrug and they find common ground over being terrible parents to Scarlet and abandoning her.
With their relationship rejuvenated, John decides to help Alex out of a bind and together they lock the bloodsucking brood she sired in with Ramona (Angela Bassett). They celebrate with a good bang and Alex agrees to consider calling off the divorce because she's super into John again now that he has the confidence of a seasoned serial killer. John is on cloud nine at this, but Sally (Sarah Paulson) is not so pleased, threatening to kill Alex if John doesn't return to her. Sally is clearly not thinking things through, because why would she ever want to be trapped for all eternity with the ghost of the woman her love chose over her? Why does no one have rational thought processes on this show? Is that part of your brain affected when you become a ghost? I need answers!
Speaking of irrational actions, John and Alex snatch up Holden and stroll out of the hotel one happy family, as though the Countess won't notice one of her children and his parents have suddenly disappeared. But she does have more pressing matters to contend with at the moment.
Still unaware that her soulmate is dead, the Countess reports her husband Will (Cheyenne Jackson) missing. But in the middle of giving her statement to the police, the ghost of Will interrupts with the lamest excuse ever: that he was lost in the hotel's halls for two days. This is apparently not suspicious at all to the police, because they're out of there in seconds. As soon as they're alone, the Countess info-dumps her whole evil plan to Will, because clearly she wants to be a Scooby Doo villain. As she explains, it doesn't matter that Will didn't write the Countess into his will because she plans on infecting Lachlan with the virus in order to gain his fortune.
Will storms off, and The Countess meets up with Donovan for dinner. That's when he finally tells her about killing Valentino. Upon hearing the news, the Golden Globe nominee does her best attempt at crying, while Donovan does his best Drake "Hotline Bling" impression. No joke. That is what this show has come to.
When the Countess returns from weeping over Valentino's corpse, she's shocked to find Donovan waiting for her to kill him. He says he does care about dying, but he doesn't really mind, because dying is the only way the Countess will let him love her. This sounds romantic and all, but it's also nonsense. Pure nonsense. But it seems to move the Countess anyways. And just when it looks as though she might let Donovan live, Liz and Iris storm into the suite shooting up the place like the lamest gangsters ever.
Do you think the Countess is really dead?