Next Action Star
Man, it's not even right how this show owns me. It's sick. And yes, in the past, I have fed it to some of the budding Seagals and guys, but this week, they all shut me up big time. And not just during the screen tests. Though they did make dangling from a car look a lot more fun than say, sharing a house with wacko Viviana. And probably less dangerous. No matter. It's all about Jared and Melisande doing the first-date thing while the others hang at the mansion dishing them like a pack of high schoolers with better skin and bigger shoulders. Love it! What I'm hating is that next week is the finale and we lost Mae tonight. She was fab. Mark, not so much, but I may be biased... after all, John and Sean are just too much. They've got that rugged L.L. Bean hubba-hubba-ness. And Corinne? Forget about it. That new blow-out 'do is doing crazy things to me, girl. Even if you don't get a callback, I'm sure you'll be getting a lot of other calls, ya hear?

I Love the '90s
Say what you will. This is not forced nostalgia for a decade that just left us. It's a cautionary tale of where we went wrong and when. 1997. Hanson. Tamagotchi. Beanie Babies. Cloning sheep. Jewel's poetry. What we were smoking? Yikes. The Lilith Fair. Where's the remote? Ew, Bob Guiney. Forget the remote. Where's the gun? (Oh, and Hal Sparks, call me. You're my new best friend. And we need to talk about how Sebastian Bach looks like an exile from the LPGA.)

Hollywood Wives' Tales
Dag. I'm thinking this is some look at the Jackie Collins novel. Instead, I get this zzzzzz-inducing "report" on how our nation's divorce rate is due to the escalating number of Tinseltown breakups. If that's true, then J.Lo alone is responsible for every broken home in Maine.

The Simple Life 2: Road Trip
Oh no. The girls are crashing with a holy-roller family that forbids profanity. Good lord. Might as well just lock 'em in the trailer, 'cause that ain't gonna happen with these two gutter mouths. Wait. Nicole is talking with the kids about spirituality and her special relationship with Paris. Party girls gone wild gone warm and fuzzy? Better bundle up, everyone. Hell just froze over.

Catwoman Commercial
Step away from the Oscar, Miss Berry. The Academy will be over to take it back this weekend. Right after the reviews come in and Eric Benet starts looking like a catch again.

The Simple Life 2: Road Trip
So hell didn't really freeze over. It was just a light frost. Because now the fresh princesses of Bel Air are gettin' all sinful with a local baseball team and there's no hope of ever getting into heaven now. Not after Nicole's menthol-iscious rubdown on that poor jock. The player, not the location, people. Jeesh. Ya'll need to pray.

Dr. 90210
Is this guy kidding me? A dozen eggs for breakfast? I wouldn't last the drive to the hospital, much less the duration of that embalmed woman's deep-tissue chemical peel. I don't care if you worked with Mastroianni, hon. It's called SPF and you don't need to drop names at Walgreens to get some.

Six Feet Under
What is that hitchhiker doing to David? Oh my God!! Stop it! Wrong. It's all wrong! Listen to Whitney, David. Crack is whack!

Drew Carey
All right, maybe this is just getting burnt off as summer filler, but do we really need them so hellaciously out of order? First, Kelly's super-pregnant and the fetus is talking to Drew, next he's ditched at the altar by some woman we barely remember from last season. Not cool, ABC. Granted, there're only about 23 of us still watching, but we notice these things, you know? I also noticed that Marion Ross got the best line of the night, at poor Oswald's expense. "We can't fix something God gave up on." Which could totally be said about...

Ultimate Love Test
...which has been the ultimate test of my patience. All these weeks, for what? A low-rent Temptation Island with horrible Heather harping on poor Frank, and Diego sobbing his way back into Amber's heart? Please, like she'd let that plate of deliciousness go. So what if he doesn't want to travel. He wants you. And after this thing airs, that's a party of one, missy. As for Frank, well, dude, let's just say that proposing to Heather will not fix things. That'll take a lot of meds. And I don't mean the aspirin I'm gonna need after enduring this massive failure.