If we learned one thing in 2003, it's that we can't count on our televisions to keep our best interests in mind. How else to explain the unfortunate incident in which TiVo decided that, since we watched Bachelor kissing bandit Bob try out for the Olympic tonsil-hockey team, we must also want to see every single program on the Playboy Channel! So, as we brace for the year ahead, we have elected to make a few resolutions — for our constant companions, our TVs. (What? You didn't think we needed any improving, did ya?) What's more, we suggest that you do the same. After all, an indiscriminate viewer could wind up watching anything! Our solemn vows (and fondest wishes):
The O.C. will air daily. Maybe more often than that, because it is the coolest primetime soap in, like, ever. Way wittier than 90210 even aspired to be, Fox's smash has introduced into the pop-culture lexicon more cute catchphrases and insider terminology than us at TVGO (and we don't have to tell you, that's sayin' somethin'! We don't have to tell you that, right? Whew!). Why, it's a wonder we survived without Chrismukkah. Seriously — those old holidays? Eww.
Average Joe will start screening its pretty women for beautiful minds. Or IQs in the double digits, anyway. Otherwise, the Everymen the reality program recruits to compete with Abercrombie & Fitch models for the unfair maidens' hands will never stand a chance of getting anything but humiliated. Show us a gal bright enough to add up her own measurements, and we'll show the world a lass with the grey matter to choose a fella with a soft heart over one with hard abs. (Sorry, Melana.)
Emmy will check out Gilmore Girls. Obviously, the members of the National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences have been unable to do so up until now. There's simply no other reason that the most winningly witty and winsome dramedy on the air — not to mention its ensemble of heavyweight banterers — has yet to put a statuette in its trophy case. But we'll bang that drum again in a few months when we begin making up our annual Emmy dream ballot. Go, Lauren Graham! Go!
SoapNet will pick up Santa Barbara. In the late '80s, the saying went, "Old soap stars don't die, they just move to Santa Barbara." Today, we'd argue that SB is where insightful writing went to have its last gasp. Still, the Who's Who of daytime deities in the ever-changing cast — everyone from A Martinez and Marcy Walker to Justin Deas and Nancy Lee Grahn — is an awfully appealing bonus.
Cheri Oteri will show her funny face again. C'mon, if fellow Saturday Night Live alum Will Ferrell gets to be a big movie star — opposite Nicole Kidman, no less! — and Tracy Morgan can have his own series, then our favorite comedienne at least deserves a friggin' sitcom. Better yet, ABC could replace Barbara Walters with her saucy SNL impersonator and finally give us a reason to take in The View.
Simon Cowell will get a grip. If power corrupts the uncorrupted, then what does it do to the already corrupt? For the answer, think back to American Idol last season, when the nastiest judge became so eager to shock us with his rudeness that he stopped making sense. We finally got wise when he complained that one Clay Aiken performance was exactly like the last... which he'd said only days before was perfect. No more preshow pints for you, Mr. Man!