National Lampoon's Attack Of The 5'2" Women

  • 1994
  • Movie
  • R
  • Comedy

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ATTACK OF THE 5'2" WOMEN, made for cable TV and released to home video in 1995, scores a double parody bullseye. Vulgar and hilariously profane, this twin tale of media madness torn from the tabloids is the perfect party video. In the first story, "Tonya: The Battle of Wounded Knee," Tonya Hardly (Julie Brown) dreams of snaring the Olympic...read more

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NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ATTACK OF THE 5'2" WOMEN, made for cable TV and released to home video in 1995, scores a double parody bullseye. Vulgar and hilariously profane, this twin tale of media madness torn from the tabloids is the perfect party video.

In the first story, "Tonya: The Battle of Wounded Knee," Tonya Hardly (Julie Brown) dreams of snaring the Olympic gold medal despite the constant put-downs from her mom (Stella Stevens) and disqualifying threat of weight fluctuations. While prissy Miss Perfect, Nancy Cardigan (Khrystyne Haje),

figure-eights ever closer to super-stardom, Tonya feels burdened by her humble trailer park origins. She needs an edge. Rather than hire an image consultant, studly husband Jeff Googooly (John Robert Hoffman) masterminds a scheme to ensure Tonya's victory in the Olympic trials. Hiring inept

amateur mercenaries Sean Heckardt (Eric "Sparky" Edwards) and Stan Stant (Peter Deluise), Jeff only succeeds in temporarily sidelining Nancy. Sailing above the scandal resulting from the assault on Cardigan, Tonya does get to compete at Lilliehammer, yet she's plagued by her own second-rate talent

and tight-fitting panties. In the perfect anti-climax, Oksana Bayou (Jennifer Butt)--an even bigger princess than Nancy--skates off in tears with the gold medal.

In the second sketch, "He Never Gave Me an Orgasm," Lenora Babbitt (Julie Brown) relates to an interviewer (Sam McMurray) the details of her bloody path to feminist awareness. In flashbacks, we see how the repeated failure of her drunken husband, Juan Wayne Babbitt (Adam Storke), to satisfy her

sexually led to the justifiable removal of his penis. When the dismembered organ is located by police but then gobbled up by a pooch, Dr. Kelloc (Stanley DeSantis) performs wonders with a donor penis from a biker. Unfortunately, tempestuous Lenora learns that the biker's widow (Anne DeSalvo) has

visitation rights, so she repeats history live on TV during a re-enactment. While on the daytime talk show "Vick," the now re-emasculated Juan Wayne reveals himself as a transsexual who finally understands the difficulty of being a woman in these tumultuous modern times.

Fans of the versatile Julie Brown (who lampooned Madonna mercilessly in the 1992 cable feature MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL) know what to expect from her--gut-busting one-liners, comically over-the-top performances, and sight gags so crudely funny they could be called Second City Burlesque.

However, those seeking pointed satire about the Tonya Harding/Lorena Bobbitt scandals will be laughing down the wrong drain-pipes. These two sketches are broad bio-parodies in which Julie and her co-creators don't poke fun at deserving targets, but rather rib their subjects to death. If, in real

life, Harding wept about broken laces to stall for time, here Tonya Hardly's panties slide up the crack of her butt, prompting a sidesplitting remark from an Olympic judge: "Can you believe the size of her ass?" It's hard to distinguish reality from embellishment once you've enjoyed Julie Brown's

wicked put-downs of sacred cows. If the Bobbitt sketch is less hilarious, it's because the filmmakers stray too far from the outline of actual events so outrageous they hardly need comic escalation. Whereas Brown's performance as a horny version of Carmen Miranda is almost solely responsible for

powering the Bobbitt send-up, the Tonya Harding segment soars to heights of lunacy in scene after scene.

Much funnier than most Hollywood theatrical comedies, this dual-comedy also features some trademark Julie Brown tunes which are stylish enough for her collaborators Tyng and Coffey to write a full-scale musical. One only wishes that some of the weaker subplots of both sketches had been jettisoned

so that Brown might have sunk her talons into a quartet of famous females, perhaps letting Tonya and Lorena keep company with, say, Leona Helmsley and the female cast from "Friends." (Sexual situations, violence, extreme profanity.)

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  • Released: 1994
  • Rating: R
  • Review: NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ATTACK OF THE 5'2" WOMEN, made for cable TV and released to home video in 1995, scores a double parody bullseye. Vulgar and hilariously profane, this twin tale of media madness torn from the tabloids is the perfect party video. In the f… (more)

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