Warning: The following gallery contains images and descriptions of an adult nature. What follows is also extremely unsexy. Click ahead at your own risk. 24 On a show with no time for food or bathroom breaks, lethal lovers Jack and Renee somehow found time for sex. Unfortunately, their golden-lit scene was ruined when a sniper shot a sheet-wearing Renee in the stomach as she waited for Jack to fetch her a glass of water. Sex kills, people.Want more? Check out more stomach-turning sex scenes here and here.

Secret affairs are supposed to be about passion and steamy stolen moments in bathrooms and seedy motels. Unless you're doing it with Bree Van de Kamp (Marcia Cross), whose OCD demanded sheets of the highest possible thread count. Nothing like a little housekeeping to kill the mood.

HBO's vampire drama has become more dependent on shock-and-awe cliff-hangers than engaging plots. Case in point: This disturbing, angry encounter at the end of Season 3's third episode. Bill (Stephen Moyer) was baited into having sex with his maker, Lorena (Mariana Klaveno). But to avoid looking at her, he twisted her head around 180 degrees. Shock and awful.

On an episode titled "Bottoms Up," peer pressure from the boys convinced E. to ask Sloan to try a particular sexual position after she learned of his interest in it by reading the search history on his laptop. Things didn't go well.

Starved for attention from Don, Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) fell for one of the most unsettling pickup lines ever: "I want to take you into that bedroom, lock the door, throw you on the bed, take off your clothes with my teeth and give you a go-round like you've never had." It might not have been so bad if it didn’t come from Duck (Mark Moses), who just seemed off. (Duck confirmed our suspicions a year later by trying to defecate in another man's chair.)

In lieu of sex scenes (we appreciate your discretion, MTV) Jersey Shore relies on colorful phrases. Unfortunately, the phrase "pounded it out" might be more upsetting than it would be to see the orange-fleshed cast of the show just going for it. (We're on the fence about "smushing.") Want more? Check out more stomach-turning sex scenes here and here.

Louie’s Louie CK falls into the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him when he meets a 26-year-old woman (Elisabeth Hower) with a fetish for older men. He keeps her interested during sex by reminding her how much he’s seen in his 42 years. “I remember smoking on airplanes!” he yells. “I voted for Mike Dukakis!” Her reply: “Who the hell is that?”

Damien (Michael Zegen) proved to be as much of a probie in the bedroom as he is in the fire house. When he finally bags rival-house firefighter Penny, he explained his 12-second performance by revealing he was a virgin. At least Penny is understanding: She gave him a second shot, and he lasted a whole 16 seconds! We're sure he'd be up to a couple minutes by now if the show hadn't gone and paralyzed him.

It's an old TV tradition that guys who aren't leading-man handsome still pull plenty of too-attractive-for-them women into their bed chamber. But we saw Steve Zahn's hindquarters just one too many times this year. It's a good thing the guy is funny, because we laughed through most of his sex scenes.

Rather than spend Thanksgiving with his kids, newly single Don Draper (Jon Hamm) spent the afternoon between the sheets with his favorite prostitute. The whipped cream on top of this pumpkin pie? We learned that Don likes to be slapped around. Sorry, How I Met Your Mother: Mad Men officially owns Slapsgiving now.Want more? Check out more stomach-turning sex scenes here and here.