Loyal TV viewers, we are on your side. Like you, we love it when our favorite characters make the sexytime, but we also know that not every romp in the sack is guaranteed to be a crowd-pleaser. As the new TV season gets underway, we hope you'll join us in urging TV producers not to repeat the sex-scene mistakes of the past. We've compiled a guide to some of the least sexy sex scenes in recent memory — the scenes that put the sex in unsexy.
2 of 9 Ken Regan/Showtime
Hospital Sex, Nurse Jackie
We love Edie Falco as Nurse Jackie, but do we want to watch her getting her grunt on in the hospital pharmacy? Negative. Even more disturbing is watching with the knowledge that her husband is at home making dinner for the kids while she's throwing her back out.
3 of 9 courtesy HBO
Vampire Sex, True Blood
That's right; we said it. We've got no problems with a little friendly nibbling, but when the scene becomes more bloody than a Quentin Tarantino film, we've got problems. Call us prudes, but we prefer the more traditional form of necking.
4 of 9 courtesy Showtime
Lou Dobbs Sex, Weeds
Sex in an outdoor shower? Sounds great! But not when it's your best friend's girl coming on to you. So how does Andy try to turn himself off? No, he doesn't think of baseball, but rather a CNN anchor who has never come to mind in any of our fantasies: "Lou Dobbs!, Lou Dobbs!" he recites. Major mood-killer. Funny scene, but still: ew. Only one thing could have been worse: an actual Lou Dobbs sex scene (shudder).
5 of 9 courtesy The CW
Teenage-Sex-Tape Sex, 90210
Sure, sex tapes are all the rage in Hollywood these days, but there is absolutely nothing sexy about seeing two high school kids getting their jollies in a storage closet. (Not to mention the fact that watching underage porn is illegal.) Worse, the show used this debacle as the catalyst for an out-of-nowhere "Silver is bipolar" storyline that had many a fan crying foul.
6 of 9 courtesy FX
Wound Sex, Rescue Me
Rescue Me has always kept us right on the edge of discomfort, but this scene leapt right over that line. Tommy purposefully burning a hole in his leg with a blowtorch was bad enough, but the subsequent, masochistic romp with Sheila — just to make his leg hurt more — was adding insult to Tommy's already-grotesque injury. We get the whole "drunk guy wants/needs to feel pain" emotional arc, but it's still pretty twisted
7 of 9 Darren Michaels/Fox
Hallucination Sex, House
You think you're clever, don't you, House? You go and get Huddy fans all riled up with a kiss here and there, and then you finally give them the big payday. But wait, it was all just a drug-induced hallucination. Better ship everyone's favorite curmudgeon off to the loony bin before it happens for real! Maybe the writers should have their heads checked.
8 of 9 Greg Gayne/Fox
Coma Sex, Bones
Similar to House's sexual fake-out, but deserving of its own entry, if for no other reason than the show's slavish devotion to will-they-or-won't-they tension. Since we're pretty much convinced at this point that they won't, there's no reason to tease the fans with some whacked-out whoopee-making that occurs while one of the participants is in a coma. The Stewie Griffin crossover was less offensive.
9 of 9 Scott Garfield/ABC
Ghost Sex, Grey's Anatomy
We hate to beat a dead Denny, but, well, Izzie shouldn't have been jumping a dead guy's bones. We know Jeffrey Dean Morgan has legions of fans, but they should be even more incensed that his reappearance was wasted with this ridiculous plot twist. Even our sympathy for Izzie's eventual cancer plight can't undo our hatred for Dizzie-gate.