There is nothing redeeming about Vee. As Taystee could certainly confirm, she would make the absolute worst best friend.
We can forgive Taslitz for being a killer, but we can't forgive this Golden Girl for being a bad one. After her failed assassination attempt on Vee - in which she accidentally killed another inmate - we wouldn't want to risk becoming her next victim.
While Aleida ultimately changed her mind, at one point she tried to sell her grandchild to her daughter's rapist's mother. So...
Chang is a total baller, but she's also a lone wolf. We doubt she'd want anyone infringing on her solo sitcom and orange time in the shed.
Once we learned about Leanne's strict Amish upbringing, her intolerance of other lifestyles made a lot more sense. But understanding why someone's a mean bigot doesn't make them any less of a mean bigot.
Angie's a racist idiot who can be convinced to support anything from Pennsatucky to a piece of toast. So if you're looking for a BFF who's more of a mindless lackey, Angie would make a great choice. Otherwise, we'd keep looking.
Daya is queen of the Debbie Downers and the most frustrating character on the show, but at least she can draw decently?
This Paula Deen-Martha Stewart hybrid may be Poussey's favorite TV star, but she only ever looks out for herself.
Lolly's incredibly friendly. That is, when she isn't convinced that you're an NSA spy. But if you know how to calm her paranoia, we bet she'd be a great brunch buddy.
Irma has seen some sh--. That's for sure. So we're betting she could give you great advice (if you ever convinced her to pause gardening or playing cards long enough to listen).
Stella is pretty, but that's about the only nice thing to say about her. She's also selfish, shady and painfully dull. So while she might make a good hook up, we won't be designing BFF tattoos anytime soon.
As long as your actions align with Maria's, she'll defend you until the end. But as soon as your desires go against her own, Maria won't hesitate to cut you down. We wouldn't recommend pranking her at slumber parties, is what we're saying.
Suzanne has a pure soul (and quite the dirty mind). We could stay up all night listening to her hilarious fiction stories. But being her friend is also being her caretaker, and sometimes you need your BFF to take care of you.
Piper's kind of the worst. However, if you can get past her narcissism, white feminist liberalism and inflated ego, she might be decent enough to catch a movie with.
Brook talks way too much (especially for someone who knows so little). But if you could get her to be quiet, we think she'd actually make for decent company.
Don't mess with Miss Claudette. Because while she may murder someone to avenge you, you never know when her temper might turn on you.
Yoga Jones has an even temperament and a seemingly endless well of forgiveness. But when you need a good vent, a Buddhist calm isn't always what you need.
Blanca puts on a crazy front, but that's only to get some free time alone time. Who doesn't value brains like that in a buddy? Although, she'd have to improve her hygiene a bit if she wanted to borrow your clothes.
Frieda is a ruthless killer, but never hesitates to offer her unique services to help out those she cares about. What more could you hope for in a friend?
Alex is hot, yes, but don't forget why Piper is in prison in the first place: Alex ratted out her girlfriend to save her own skin. Loyal, she is not.
Janae came into Litchfield with a lot of anger, but she's really softened over the years. While we wouldn't want to be road trip buddies with her, she'd be perfect for a bar crawl.
Rosa is a BAMF with a heart of gold and a Bonnie and Clyde past. Just think of the stories she could tell you!
Anita was one of the first friendly faces Piper encountered in Litchfield. And while she's technically part of Red's crew, Anita is only truly devoted to one person: Miss Rosa. You can't buy that kind of loyalty.
Gina never causes trouble and always manages to get a few good quips in every scene she's in. So while she wouldn't be the most exciting company, she is reliable.
Sorry Liz Lemon, but Norma has perfected the incredulous eyeroll. Without ever saying a word, Norma oozes sass and smarts. She's an ideal sidekick.
Tricia was one of the most kind-hearted characters on the show. So although she might steal from you, she'd always try to pay you back.
Underneath Big Boo's hard exterior is a big ol' softy who just wants to be understood. Her unexpected friendship with Pennsatucky has been one of the best relationships of the series, showing just how far Boo will go to help her friends.
Pennsatucky has changed from a murderous zealot to one of the most generous characters in Litchfield. And after everything she's survived, Pennsatucky has only learned to be more open-minded and forgiving. Plus, she usually has candy.
Although Sister Ingalls was a publicity whore in her past, she discovered a genuine passion for helping others once incarcerated. Sure, she makes mistakes sometimes (as Sophia knows), but Sister Ingalls is the type of person who will do whatever it takes to right her wrongs.
Lorna is endlessly entertaining and incredibly sweet. However, she would probably accuse you of sleeping with her boyfriend and put a bomb underneath your car.
Black Cindy, aka Tova, is a one-person party. But while Cindy would be a blast to chill with, she needs to learn to take a little responsibility for her actions. Otherwise, she'd leave you out to dry the second trouble arrived.
She's sassy. She's stylish. She's a little superficial sometimes, sure, but her bond with Flaca is probably the strongest friendship in Litchfield so we know Maritza's ride-or-die.
Flaca is just cool. She'd up your street cred just by hanging out by you.
Once Red accepts you into her family, you're never really alone. She loves her girls more than anything, including herself.
If you want your BFF to be more of surrogate mom, then Gloria is the one for you! She's maternal, reasonable and kind. Plus: If anyone crosses you, she can work some Santeria magic on them.
Nicky's wit is unmatched in Litchfield, but so are her self-destructive tendencies. Yet even when Nicky is at her lowest, all we want to do is give her a big hug.
Sophia is witty, wise and fiercely protective. And did we mention she could give you an awesome makeover?
Everybody loves Taystee. It's a fact. She's absolutely hysterical and knows how to get down, but she's also very ambitious and level-headed. She's the best of all worlds and we'd be honored to call her our friend.
Did you really think anyone but Poussey would top this list? She's smart, funny, well-read, well-traveled, sensitive and open-minded. She's the ultimate shoulder to cry on, friend to gossip with and wingman out on the town. In short, she's perfect.