Presenting one of the first categories of the night, Jeremy Renner clumsily stumbles through reading his lines alongside a fierce Jennifer Lopez. When he asks her to open the envelope, she reasons, "I have the nails," to which he responds, "You got the Globes too," a tacky reference to her cleavage-revealing dress. When Billy Bob Thornton takes the stage to accept his award, he asks Lopez if he's standing in the right spot. She curtly tells him, "You stand there and you say thank you." Dear Hollywood: J.Lo is not taking your nonsense. Don't say we didn't warn you.
In his acceptance speech for winning Best Actor in a Mini/TV Movie for Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton says, "These days you can get into a lot of trouble no matter what you say, so I'm just going to say thank you." That's how it's done!
Before she was Mrs. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes was an actress, right? It's hard to tell from her forced bit with the always lovable Seth Meyers. When presenting an award, Seth jokes that nominees who don't win get a gift certificate for free breakfast buffet, but not on weekends or holidays. However, he warns, it's only for the night's losers, citing a particularly awkward (fictional) story about Daniel Day-Lewis.
House of Cards star Kevin Spacey keeps the censors on their toes during his thank-you speech for Best Actor in a Drama for Television. "This is the eighth time I've been nominated; I can't f---ing believe I won," he says. The censors should have taken heed of the beginning of his speech when he warned Frank Underwood-style, "This is just the beginning of my revenge!"
Although she says she's "underprepared," winner Amy Adams hits a sweet note in her acceptance speech for her performance in Big Eyes, in which she plays artist Margaret Keane, whose husband lied and claimed her artwork was done by him. "It's just so wonderful that women today have such a strong voice and I have a four-and-a-half-year-old and I'm so grateful to have all the women in this room," she says in her speech. "You speak to her so loudly. She watches everything and she sees everything, and I'm just so, so grateful for all of you women in this room."
Before presenting, Skeleton Twins co-stars Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader are eloquent about the skill it takes to write a screenplay and then proceed to quote the most memorable ones. Except that they misquote all of them. From E.T. to Jaws, no one is safe. They even take on the Terminator himself. Who could ever forget that line, "Excuse me, which way is the Beverly Center? That way? So I passed it?" Classic!
Sadly, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt have never shared the small screen on his show, Parks and Recreation or her show, Mom. But they make up for all those lost opportunities when they take the stage together to present the award for Best Actress in a TV Drama Series. Although they are mixed family -- he works for NBC and she works for CBS -- they inform the crowd "we plan to raise our children HBO." Or so they think. When Faris objects that they should let their children decide for themselves, Pratt sternly tells her to "take your own helicopter home." There goes another Hollywood marriage!
The Grand Budapest Hotel director Wes Anderson one-ups those other ingrates who merely thank the Hollywood Foreign Press by actually naming the members themselves. In his acceptance speech for Best Comedy or Musical Motion Picture, he says, "Thank you to Jorem, Dagmar, Yukiko, Armando... Jean-Paul, Helmut and names nothing like theirs but equally captiviating." The goofy tribute gives no time for an actual heartfelt speech, but it's well in keeping with his (and the film's) comic sensibilities.
Michael Keaton -- or should we say Michael John Douglas? -- gives an epic, personal speech while accepting for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical Motion Picture for Birdman. He goes back to the details of his birth (in a hospital hallway), honors his incredibly hardworking parents (George and Leona) and gives a shout-out to his many siblings (six!). But when he gets choked up thanking his best friend, his son Sean, he does two things he promised himself he wouldn't: "cry and give air quotes." You're forgiven, Batman.
Although Downton Abbey's fourth season was criticized for its insensitive portrayal of rape, Joanne Froggatt, who plays lady's maid Anna, wins Best Supporting Actress TV Series, Miniseries or Movie nonetheless. It's hard to begrudge her the win: She's a fine actress and takes the time to address victims of sexual assault in her thank-you speech.
Although pretty much every award pundit in town called newcomer Gina Rodriguez's win for Jane the Virgin, her speech is no less momentous. The always eloquent actress -- who famously turned down a role on Devious Maids to portray a more aspirational Latin American figure -- tells the crowd, "This award is so much more than myself. It represents a culture that wants to see themselves as heroes... My father used to tell me to say every morning: 'Today's going to be a great day. I can and I will,'" she recalls. "Well, Dad, today's a great day. I can and I did." You done good, Jane.
Jill Soloway, who created Amazon's groundbreaking series Transparent based on her own experience having a parent come out as transgender, makes a heartfelt thank-you speech for Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy. After dedicating the award to deceased transgender youth Lela Alcorn and all transgendered people who have passed, Soloway thanks her own "Moppa" for coming out, teaching her to tell truth and then dedicates the award "to love."
Amidst all the accolades, thanks and jokes, Jared Leto takes the stage to say, "Je suis Charlie," in support of free expression. (Later, Clooney also echoes this cry.) On Jan. 7, Islamist gunmen massacred a dozen staff members at Charlie Hebdo, a French satriical weekly newspaper known for publishing controversial cartoons depicting Muhammad.
Margaret Cho, playing a new member of the HFPA from North Korea, gets up on stage with Amy and Tina midway through the show and isn't afraid to speak her mind. "In North Korea, we know how to put on a show," she says. Among her many complaints? "You no have Dennis Rodman. No basketball at all," she laments. "Also I think that Orange is the New Black should be in drama category. It's funny, but not ha-ha funny." The hosts try to placate her as best they can, but before she leaves the stage, she also suggests that presenter Kristen Wiig do Bridesmaids 2. (Now that'ssomething we can get behind!) Later, after the final award of the evening, Amy and Tina opt not to bid adieu themselves. Instead, they bring up Cho's character again who informs the crowd: "Show over. I host next year. Goodnight." We wouldn't have it any other way. Don't forget to write, Tina and Amy!
Before presenting Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, Ricky Gervais takes a page from Billy Bob Thornton and advises caution, lest he say something that gets him in trouble. He then launches into a tirade of not-so-veiled insults about all the rich, entitled celebrities. "Streep, Clooney... I'm not even looking at Katie Holmes," he hints, before then announcing the nominees, includingAnnie's Quvenzhané Wallis. "I practiced saying that last name," Gervais confides, adding that he doesn't want to have a John Travolta moment.
Jeffrey Tambor chokes up during his acceptance speech for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical for Transparent. "This is much bigger than me," he says. "I would like to dedicate this to the transgender community." He thanks them for their courage, inspiration, patience and "for letting us be a part of the change."
Make your jokes, Tina and Amy. It may be true that Clooney does more as an entertainer than for humanitarian causes like his wife Amal, but it's clear that he still is on top of his game. In accepting his Lifetime Achievement Award, Clooney hits all the right notes, from acknowledging his co-stars and his utter gratefulness for his success (not just winning statuettes) to the "Je suis Charlie" shows of support and his love for his wife. "It's a humbling thing when you find someone to love, and you've been waiting your whole life," he said, looking at his wife. "Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn't be more proud to be your husband." Mic drop. Unfair, Clooney, unfair.
Returning hosts Amy Poehler and Tina Fey hit all the necessary topics during their third and final Golden Globes monologue. Sony hack? Check! Clooney? Check! But although they had promised that the Bill Cosby rape scandal was not off limits, it doesn't make their commentary any less gutsy... or gut-bustingly hilarious. First, the pair joke that Into the Woods's Sleeping Beauty unfortunately "just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby." Oops! But that's just the beginning. After acknowledging that Cosby has spoken out about the allegations against him, the two hosts engage in a formidable competition of Cosby impersonations. "I put the pill in the people. The people did not want the pill in them," Tina jokes in the Jell-O pudding pitchman's voice. "I got the pill in the bathroom and I put 'em in the people," Amy counters. In the end, the two compromise on "I put the pill in the hoagie," and (almost) everyone goes home happy.
When Margaret Cho, dressed as a fictional North Korean member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (safely named Cho Yong-Ja), appears in the audience requesting to take a selfie with Meryl Streep, Michael Keaton does the honors... but not before Benedict Cumberbatch makes a gravity-defying leap behind the two for the most acrobatic photobomb at an awards show ever.