CEO and Chairman of the Television Academy Bruce Rosenblum apparently understands that no one is really interested in what he has to say and therefore places Sofia Vergara on a revolving platform to show off her "assets" to illustrate the state of television. While we commend the Modern Family actress for being a good sport, we don't think it's too much to ask that the Academy treat her as more than just a sex object at this point.
We embrace everything Stephen Colbert, but his rant on behalf of imaginary friend Roscoe is so tone-deaf that we feel a bit embarrassed -- just how Roscoe feels.
Spoiler alert! In case fans missed the explanation of how Joffrey meets his demise in "Weird Al's" theme song tribute, Samberg milks his costume for all it's worth when Game of Thrones star Lena Headey, who plays Joffrey's mother Cersei, takes the stage. "Mother, I think I've been poisoned," Samberg complains. Well, we'll always have the Red Wedding...
Newcomer Fargo finally gets on the board with the Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries or Movie for the episode "Buridan's Ass," but the show loses most of its category nominations to American Horror Story (Academy voters voting for the familiar?) or Sherlock (and that Cumberbitchcraft!). Later, series creator Noah Hawley snags the Outstanding Miniseries award.
"Weird Al" Yankovic pays tribute to the best theme songs on television by adding explanatory lyrics to theme, as in the days of old. Mad Men, Scandal, Homeland and Modern Family warm the audience up for the big finish: a Game of Thrones production number in which Yankovic references the series' many "boobs," the season's biggest spoilery death and its signature opening map sequence before urging author George R.R. Martin to "type as fast as you can; we need more scripts," as Andy Samberg, dressed as King Joffrey, hands Martin a typewriter. "Valar Morghulis!" aka "all men must die," Yankovic intones, and we all die a little inside.
First-time Emmy host Seth Meyers has the dubious honor of emceeing the awards show's return to Monday night, which according to his vast TV knowledge, "means the Emmys are about to get canceled." He continues to comment on the state of television: how streaming series have overshadowed many network shows, the year's most surprisingly depressing series finale (How I Met Your Mother) and that Game of Thrones cast members have the worst job security. It all feels like a minor step up from a talk-show monologue, but Meyers wraps it up by comparing TV to a low-maintenance booty call that is always available, versus movies, which require you to go out of your way and put on pants. Not exactly a love letter to the industry.
After a heartfelt speech acknowledging how much Breaking Bad means to him, Supporting Actor in a Drama winner Aaron Paul thanks his wife in the sweetest way possible. "My wife, my God, thank you for marrying me, and for spreading kindness across the world," he says, referencing the Kind Campaign, which Lauren Paul helped co-found to eradicate girl-against-girl bullying.
Ah, out of the mouths of babes, and what a babe! After winning for Lead Actress in a Drama for The Good Wife, Julianna Margulies says, "Josh Charles, I miss you every day. What were you thinking?!" We agree, Jules. Your move, Josh.
While accepting the award for Oustanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy, Ty Burrell reads a thank-you speech supposedly written by the Modern Family kids, which notes that his real-life kids are cute, but not "I-can-support-my-whole-family cute" and that he will hand his award over to co-star Nolan Gould.
We love and adore and admire Bryan Cranston, but even the Breaking Bad star is shocked that he wins for Lead Actor in a Drama over odds-on favorite Matthew McConaughey. "Oh wow, even I thought about voting for Matthew," he says. Cranston's speech is moving and funny and in the end encourages the "Sneaky Petes" of the world not to settle for mediocrity. "Take a chance, take a risk, find that passion, rekindle it, fall in love all over again. It's really worth it."
"Best On-Screen Orgasm in a Civil War Re-Enactment." Thank you, Amy Poehler, for that. Have you been watching Deliverance Creek too?
Like the Saturday Night Fever actor before her, Gwen Stefani makes a slip of the tongue while presenting an award for The Colbert Report -- or is that The ColdBORT Report? Hear it for yourself and you be the judge.
Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers run through various introductions for True Detective stars Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. Although "One is named for a disciple of Jesus and one for a boner" is rightfully nixed, we're tickled by the doubtlessly accurate description of the duo as two men who "seem like they'd be chatty in the sack."
Sara Bareilles tackles the unenviable task of singing over the "In Memoriam" slide show tribute and captures our bittersweet feelings perfectly with a cover of Charlie Chaplin's "Smile." Paul Walker, Ralph Waite, Casey Kasem and so many more. Thank you.
After winning for its seminal episode "Ozymandias" and its three acting nominations, the Breaking Bad caps off the night with the big prize for Outstanding Drama. The win is no surprise, but that doesn't make it any less sweet. See, crime does pay sometimes.
Ricky Gervais mocks his losing streak by playing a sore loser who decides to read what would have been his acceptance speech. "Ha-ha! I won. I knew I would because I'm the best actor, better than those other actors... Look at those stupid faces." Can Gervais write a show about award shows?
After nabbing the Television Movie award for The Normal Heart, Ryan Murphy thanks playwright Larry Kramer, the superpowers of Erin Brockovich and the Incredible Hulk (stars and producers Julia Roberts and Mark Ruffalo) and adds that the award is for "all the hundreds of thousands of artists who have passed from HIV/AIDS since the '80s... This is for them. Thank you."
Meyers takes a page from Saturday Night Live and fields fake questions from celebs in the audience pretending to be regular schmoes (just like us!). Our favorite part is when Andre Braugher asks to go to the bathroom, and a sheepish Josh Charles hands over the key... which is attached with a chain to an Emmy.
Seth Meyers steps out with Funny or Die's Billy "On the Street" Eichner to accost New Yorkers with an Emmys version of his "For a Dollar" game, in which he gives a dollar to those who agree with his take on pop culture. Most don't know anything about the Emmys -- ranging from who's nominated to recalling the host's name ("Seth MacFarlane?"). Eventually, it devolves into Eichner screaming nominees names at the poor pedestrians, which pretty much sums up our feelings right now.
No offense to Seth Meyers, but we get more genuine laughs from Jimmy Kimmel's faux outrage against Matthew McConaughey's inclusion in the Emmys than from the opening monologue. Not only does he point out that McConaughey is too good-looking for the small screen -- poor Ricky Gervais gets pointed out as having a face for television, wait, make that Netflix -- but that he had also just won an Oscar. "How many of those speeches of yours are we supposed to sit through? I mean, alright, alright, alright already!" The good-natured McConaughey tries to throw some blame to his True Detective co-star Woody Harrelson, who sits behind him, and we just fall for him again.
"He made us laugh hard every time you saw him," Billy Crystal begins his homage to comedian Robin Williams, who took his own life in August. And although it's clear that Crystal is still mourning his dearly departed friend, he does a thorough job of celebrating Williams by showcasing humor and versatility through anecdotes involving baseball and immigrants. "It's hard to talk about him in the past because he was so present in all of our lives," Crystal adds and compares Williams to "the brightest star in our celestial galaxy." Clips further illustrate Williams' unique energy and wit before ending on his 1986 Live at the Met special in which he has an imaginary conversation with his son Zak. "Well, Zak ... maybe along the way you'll take my hand, tell some jokes, and have some fun. Come on, pal. You're not afraid, are you?" "No," Williams answers in his son's voice and then walks off into the darkness ... and then silence.
While presenting, Julia Louis-Dreyfus pretends to forget that Bryan Cranston once played her love interest Tim Watley on Seinfeld. "That was me!" he insists. "We actually had a kissing scene together." Later, when Louis-Dreyfus wins for Outstanding Actress in a Comedy, Cranston attacks her with a fierce, drawn-out kiss full on the lips. "Uh yeah, he was on Seinfeld," she acknowledges as he caresses his lips in triumph. It's gotta be the 'stache!