Warning: The following gallery contains images and descriptions of an adult nature. What follows is also extremely unsexy. Click ahead at your own risk.
Nothing's worse than finally hooking up with that hot guy from high school only to discover that he's now a minivan-driving dad with old sandwiches and Cheerios all over the back seat. Being a homewrecker is always a sticky wicket, but in this case it's just plain sticky.
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2 of 18 Fox
Jess' attempt to spice up her boring relationship is fairly PG, but yikes, is it awkward! She strips down and does a sexy, dorky dance that involves a banana tree and an oversized pillow. It's all very cute, actually, until Spencer's barely-dressed other woman comes out of the bedroom to see what kind of woman scores her striptease with her own theme song. It's Jess!
3 of 18 AMC
Paralyzed by her fear of her meth-dealing husband, Skyler can only cringe as Walt kisses and gropes her, all while hissing twisted rationalizations for his corrupt actions. "When we do what we do for good reasons, then we've got nothing to worry about," he says. "And there's no better reason than family." Not hot.
4 of 18 ABC
Ed and Sarah's drunken trip to the Boom Boom Room yielded strange noises and even stranger pillow talk. "Does that look like a pickle? Flying pickle!" the wannabe Casanova exclaimed.
5 of 18 History Channel
Hatfields and McCoys
Not every woman was happy to see her man come home from the Civil War. When Bill Paxton's believed-dead Randall McCoy returns to his far-from-blushing bride, she agrees to give him some loving — but only on her terms. "I'm prepared to do my duty as your wife, but I ask that you spill your seed outside of me," she says before he collapses in tears. She's a charmer!
6 of 18 HBO
Game of Thrones
Why do the ladies find King Joffrey so sexy? Is it the boy king's platinum blond hair? His power? No, it must be his penchant for forcing them to act out his sadist-sexual desires at crossbow-point.
7 of 18 FX
Louie's blind date offers him oral service, but he balks when she wants reciprocation. What does she do? She mounts him and "makes him." We were just as scarred as Louie obviously was.
8 of 18 STARZ
Ex-slave Ashur acts like he inherited the gladiator-training ludus from murdered dominus Batiatus and proceeds to rape widowed domina Lucretia as part of the spoils. Things get worse when he makes Lucretia wear a red wig (one of Batiatus' faves) and forces her to call him "dominus" whilst he violates her.
9 of 18 FX
American Horror Story
Perhaps still feeling guilty for cheating on his wife, Ben Harmon punctuates a feverish self-abuse sesh with a particularly ugly cry. Guess we should have known from the very start that this horror story wouldn’t have a "happy ending."
10 of 18 AMC
Why do we hate this scene so much? It's not because our beloved Joanie prostituted herself to become a partner of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and land the Jaguar account. It's that she did all of those things with a fat, grabby sleazeball with big, hairy manboobs. Yeah, it's definitely the manboobs.
11 of 18 HBO
Bill's blind devotion to the literally dripping-in-blood vampire god/fallacy Lilith comes to its apex when he drinks her blood and has graphic, hallucinatory sex with Salome, during which his partner shape-shifts into both sweet, innocent Sookie and the blood-soaked curves of Lilith. All we could think about was that dry-cleaning bill.
12 of 18 Showtime
When Frank Gallagher learns that a former friend from the bar has both a pension and a weak ticker, he derails her life-saving transplant and then literally sleeps with her until her heart gives out. Talk about being heartless!
13 of 18 Bravo
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Teresa Giudice and her husband enjoy a visit to a vineyard a little too much, getting it on between the grapes even though their friends are nearby. We know wine leads to bad decisions, but these grapes were extra sour.
14 of 18 HBO
As a vulnerable Hannah recounts her devastation at having lost both her parents' financial support and her job, her on-again, off-again friend with benefits tunes her out and positions her body for sex. "Grab your legs," he says. "OK, this is good. I'm going to go get some lube. When I get back, I want you to be in the exact same position, but take all the rest of the sh—off." Ah, romance!
15 of 18 AMC
Megan toys with Don by cleaning their filthy white carpet in her underwear, resulting in an impromptu romp that's a mix of squirm-inducing violence and we-shouldn't-be-watching-this awkwardness. Thanks for ruining all our naughty-maid fantasies, Draper!
16 of 18 Showtime
Being held in captivity for eight years clearly stripped away Sgt. Nicholas Brody's humanity. How else to explain this cold, violent gruntfest with his wife Jessica?
17 of 18 Showtime
We didn't think Season 6 of Dexter could get any worse — but Deb fell in love with her adopted sibling Dexter, as this creepy dream sequence demonstrated. We pray that nightmare doesn't come true in Season 7.
18 of 18 HBO
When Gillian visits Jimmy at Princeton, their evening, like many nights of drunken college revelry, ends with a hop in the sack. There's just one problem: She's his mom.